


Letters From The Dead

by Shethatwrites



Category: Guns N' Roses, Hanoi Rocks, Metallica, Mötley Crüe, Ozzy Osbourne (Musician), Rock Music RPF, Skid Row (US Band)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 59,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29216529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shethatwrites/pseuds/Shethatwrites
Summary: In her last moments, Martha Vee scrambles together hundreds of letters to her second daughter in attempts to do some explaining of her life in the past. And how she somehow knows everyone her daughter idolises.
Comments: 21
Kudos: 3





	1. Prologue(Letter One)

To, my little baby girl. Who, I know isn't so much of a baby anymore. Amara, today you turn seventeen and today, you find out everything you've always wanted to know. Now, I know you've always had these questions all your life, and that you never truly understand the just of things and why they were the way they were. I'm hoping that, after you read these, wrapping your head around all that had happened might be that much easier for you. I know that I hadn't been right in some of the decisions I had made and I know that keeping you from all who cared for you and all who could have was not the right thing to do. My mistakes may be unforgivable in your eyes but, I do hope that, even if you cannot forgive, you do understand. And that you see the worth deep in you that I could not quite share, alone. 

Now, there had been many things leading up to the certain decision that I'd made and they all had their equal in the weighing. Of course, I could not quite put all of them into words for you and I could not possibly rememeber every detail for the life of me. But I do rememeber a great deal and if you would like to know just why I did what I did, I wish you would continue to read on. It would also give you some insight on how things were when I had been around all, who I assume you've met and got nicely acquainted with. 

I don't want to be to dismal about the entire thing but the truth of the situation is that, of you're reading these then the inevitable happened, and I am no longer with you. You know, it's sucks. I wished I could have told you myself. I knew I had held it off for too long and your sister did too. That's why she kept these for me because she had always so strongly believed that you deserved more than I had given. And I knew that, I realised that the day you'd first asked about your father. When things turned for the worst, I didn't want you to be in the dark, confused. I know that, especially in the hands of your sister, you've already come to meet everyone and come to know so much. But here's everything that happened, leading up to my leaving and the hiding away. 

If you've read this far, I assume you do want to know more. Which you are more than deserving of. Now, if you would allow for your mother to let you in on everything, I'd suggest you find some place you would be comfortable. This will take some time.


	2. Letter Two, The Early Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martha's life before the chaos sets in.

Letter Number 2  
The Early Days

"To this day, the memory will never leave my mind. It seems imprinted there, to kind of remind me of my epic mess up. It had been the most miserable, most gloomy day I'd seen in many years and in more ways than just the one. It was quite literally so dark and thundery outside and the rain was like bullets. I rememeber being so worried that you might have even gotten hurt when I ran with you and Ray down the driveway. It seemed pretty ironic to me, it was as though the weather had been a direct reflection of just how dark I'd felt on the inside. Everything turned to chaos around that time. Things... Things you'll soon come to find out as you go along. I remember being so eager to leave that I nearly flopped to the ground while you were still in arms. (And thank God that didn't happen.) Ray was only eight at the time and she didn't quite understand things either. I just kind of dropped a bomb on her head, not realising the gigantic shift I'd caused in our relationship from that moment on to the next few years. I find it funny, I couldn't see why she was so upset, if anything I was the only one who had the right to feel even an inkling of the sadness. The two of us couldn't really recognize the fullest of our anguish because that had been only three days since you'd been brought into the world. But when I think back to all of this, it makes me cringe in annoyance. It reminds of the exact same thing that had happened to me, the year I turned sixteen. That year was 1978 and, honestly that had been many years ago so I don't have many memories of it beside the fact that it had been one of hell of a ride. Let me tell you about it."

"So, this had been only a few weeks after I turned sixteen. I had a pretty horrid birthday and I don't think my mother understood how difficult things were for me because I distinctly remember the lecture I'd gotten for being ungrateful. I'd been living in Indiana at the time. For most of my life, in fact. In a city called Lafayette, which I'm sure you're quite familiar with. It was a pretty warm day out, considering the fact that it had been the middle of March. Some date around that time, I got up super early and I got ready for the day with so much enthusiasm because that day would be my first day back school after being home for six months. I'd been in remission for two and a half of those but my mother and I both agreed that it was in my best interest to only go back once my hair grew out again. I wouldn't have minded if I hadn't inherited my father's absolutely horrid head shape. Either way, my hair grew into a shaggy pixie cut and I hadn't felt that great in forever. Plus, I really needed to get out of the house. I'll always remember that day as though it happened yesterday, my first step into the outside world, completely rid of sickness. I felt like a new person. But that day did not go down in history for just that reason alone. That day would also be greatly recalled as the day I cracked William Bailey's head open,or as you may know him as,Axl."

-Indiana, 1978-  
Martha Vallath,had never been happier to see the grotesque little creature that's crawled across the concrete steps in her doorway, it's many legs giving it a deadly aspect. Still, she made sure she that she'd do everything in her power to avoid any contact with the creature completely. Her worn out white Chuck Taylor's bent with her foot and the rubber rim bent outward as she did so. Her jeans, as she'd only realised when she stepped onto the porch, still had a prominent red paint stain closer to the right pocket but she knew she couldn't do much about it. As soon as she'd delicately surpassed the stairs, she made quick work of grabbing onto her bicycle handles and starting it onto the road just a few steps ahead of her. As she stepped onto the road, she decided that would get onto the bicycle as she neared the big oak tree at the end of her street. Then, while she walked peacefully beside her two wheeled ride, an unexpected palm sized rocks hit the metal on the rear part of her bicycle eliciting a surprise shriek as she parted from the bicycle momentarily, only to awkwardly dart right back, moving at a strange pace to try and keep the bike from hitting the ground. Once she'd regained her composure, she flicked her hair out of her eyes and shot her head in the opposite direction, keen on finding the perpetrator. Her eyes turned into thin slits when she'd instantly spotted the boy, who made absolutely no attempt at keeping himself hidden. There had only been one person in the whole of the city that would ever do something like that to Martha and there he stood. William Bruce Bailey, or as everyone at Jefferson called him, Bill. Martha herself called him Will and for some reason, he let her. Anyone who dared call him anything other than what he'd told them to got their heads shoved into walls or other violent outbursts of the same sorts. Even if he seemed pretty much out to get her all the time, he never once tried to pull one of his dumb antics on her when she called him Will. In fact, he'd even snuck into her room countless times while she hid away in the dark corner, trying to hide her thinning, balding self from the world. And he never seemed to care then. The two of them shared a very...interesting dynamic, if you will. They fought all the time, non-stop. And most of the time it ended up being physical but it had become such a norm to everyone that it at the end of the day, it just been Bill and Martha, doing what they always did. 

Now, Martha was in no mood to be derailed by the chaotic red head that stood only a few feet away from her with an arrogant smirk spread across his face. "William, you dirty son of a bitch."She yelled, her voice raising in volume with each word. He laughed and for that, he'd always cuss himself out,for if he hadn't laughed, he wouldn't have missed her picking up the same rock that caused only the smallest dent in her bicycle. He didn't see her aim at him and he definitely didn't see when she sent the thing flying directly at him. Next thing he felt the sharp object leave a piercing pain as it opened a big piece of skin around the front area of his head. The crinkles by his eyes quickly flattened as did his lips when he felt the jagged piece of earth dig into his forehead. "Ow-fuck!" he yelled in a tantrum like tone as he grabbed at the injured area and bent over in pain. Martha decided that then,rather would have been the best time for her to start pedaling. While she paid very little mind to the yells of pain from behind her, she hopped onto the seat and began pedaling for her life. While she didn't quite care if he did get a hold of her or not, she didn't want to be around to hear him cuss her out and pull her hair or punch her in the arm, or whatever the case. She quickly rode past the tree and down the road, unashamedly throwing a suggestive finger up in the air.

As Martha neard the entrance to Jefferson she already felt the millions of eyes that had cemented themselves onto her. She wasn't quite sure if it were good or not, she didn't pay attention to their faces or their expressions, but she couldn't deny the burn of their gaze. Martha would hold onto the memory of the air hitting her face and sending her hair whipping backward as she rode into the school until her very last days. She threw her bicycle into the bike rack rather carelessly and her feet carried her back into the school before she could even think of where to go to. There had been a slew of familiar faces smiling at her with a welcoming gleam in their eyes and some others, not so nice, but none she cared to pay attention to. She greeted everyone with as much zeal as she treated the sunrise that morning. The morning went on like that until the bell had sounded for the homeroom, the first "classroom" in the day. She had hoped that the timetable she'd recognized the many weeks prior was still clearly memorized as it had been. Even if the morning had gone ever so wonderfully for Martha, there had been a certain uneasiness that set in the pit of her stomach and she immediately knew why her nerves began to rise so suddenly. There was the fact that she had been expecting Will to pop out of absolutely anywhere and make sure he got his sweet revenge, which wasn't always so pleasant when she knew that she may not be as physically strong as she had been when they'd usually go about being the reckless idiots that they were around each other. The other thing that had her feeling so nauseated and uncomfortable was the actual thought of getting back into the swing of things so suddenly. Yes, she'd spoken with her mother on countless occasions about the matter and made sure she'd been completely doubtless in her decision to return to school, Martha still felt as though she'd never fully continue on as an ignorant little girl anymore. Even if she'd pushed the thought if her sickness to the back of her mind, it was the sympathetic eyes that would plague her. And the last thing, being last on the list for all good reasons, was not on the level of intensity as the others. It had its own little bubble which she would sometimes let herself revel in the feelings it brought or she would sometimes completely stay clear of this thought for weeks on end in hopes that time would eradicate her emotions. Emotions toward a certain dark haired boy that she always regretted for having. That boy, being Jeffery Dean Isbel, or just Jeff as most everyone called the lanky boy. Jeff had been the ultimate example, the very poster boy of "Don't judge a book by its cover." The tall but skinny, introverted boy had a shy and reserved demeanor about him. He only had a select few friends and wasn't seen by many. The interesting thing about Jeff, that Martha will learn in the years to come, is that this truly was his way. The quiet one. But his actions, not exactly innocuous. Jeff did all the crazy delinquent things the boys who were on the street did. He smoked and did all kinds of drugs. Sometimes Martha had to do a serious retake and remind herself some things the kids at Jefferson got up to, more specifically, Jeff. He was down for almost anything, as long as it would be fun and it would get him high out of his mind. He liked it. Jeff liked many things. He liked walking, playing music, he really liked skating and he liked Martha. In which context, he never quite thought about figuring out but one wouldn't leave him, even when he thought he might never set eyes on her again.

Now Martha trailed very slowly toward her homeroom, knowing that two out of her three concerns would most certainly come to full and physical affect as she had to finally, "start" school and, see Jeff who had been in her class. When the small girl stepped in, the class fell silent and there was this awkward stiffness she tried to avoid as she walked over to her seat in on of the further rows. "Y'all fucken act like y'all never seen me before or something." She commented loudly and so the icebreaker had been set into the air, letting everyone around her know that she felt perfect and that they need not stare for much longer. When she sat, she looked to the desk on her right, where Jeff usually sat. But the boy had not seemed to have arrived yet , which isn't exactly suspicious if you took everything into account,everything mentioned before. And with that thought in mind, it didn't immediately strike Martha (or anyone for that fact) that Jeff had run into a little "business" on the way to school. People were happily chattering about, a few quipling here and there to ask Martha about herself, how's she's been and all that predictable jazz. She only smiled answered simply as possible, hoping people will take the hint that she wants to think about her days of sickness as little as possible. The second bell had rung and Martha became a little anxious at the fact that two out of her three reasons for the churning in her stomach had still not turned up at school. She only hoped that the damage left on Will was not too bad, but bad enough that he would have to skip the day. Lord knows he's stayed away for a lot less. Her attention had been snatched by a deep engraving in the table she sat at, a pretty gross drawing that had been dug into the table with some scissors and run over with a thick black marker so that the image was just undeniable. But quickly, her eyes shot up when there was a clear uproar of students at a random moment of time. Unluckily for her, both and Jeff and Will had stepped into the classroom together, both happy as hell, both high as balls. She rolled her eyes at the sight of Will, who immediately made for his desk, which had been super conveniently placed some tables in front of her. She giggled as some of the boys teased Jeff. "Yo, Jay. How many fingers?" they all asked, an inside joke that seemed to get funnier with the years. Jeff, who was very giggly about the whole thing, was a total opposite to Will who-as soon as he laid eyes on Martha- angrily stomped toward her with gritted teeth. He had a white bandage sloppily wrapped around his forehead and a very clear spot of red could be seen. Shit. "You. Bitch."he said with much dramatized anger. Most of the class looked back at Martha who wore a pretty dirty grin, her fingers twisting underneath her chin. In that state, where her hair had been this new length that no one's ever seen, with the devil in her eyes as she death stared Will, Jeff had nearly dropped to his knees. His giggles had disappeared completely and his expression blanked. She was actually here. He cleared his throat and walked slowly, forcing a smile on himself. As he neared, Martha looked at him and smiled brightly. "Well, hey Jeff." she greeted, dragging out each word. "Marty-uh, shit you're here." he stammered. "Oh yeah. Did you miss me?" she joked, trying to hold her own giggle. Jeff, who wasn't as smooth with the ladies as an awkward and quiet seventeen year old, flushed hard and tried not embarrass himself. He flashed her an abnormally wide smile before dropping to his chair."Oh fuck me."Will reacted to scene with feigned exasperation, and artificial sneer plastered across his face."Yeah, good luck finding someone to help you out with that."She retorted and earned a few "oo"'s and "burn!"'s from some surrounding students. This time, the sneer on his face was real and he didn't think before reacting. "Oh fuck you, you're gonna get it." He shouted as he got out of his chair. She tried to duck from his claws but his grabby hands had succeeded in pulling her glasses right off her face. "William, I swear to God. You better give that back, right-fucking-now!" and with that, she stepped onto her desk and jumped on hid back. The two of them swung back and forth as she tried to get a hold of her glasses while they both shouted as many profanities as they could muster in that moment. Everyone in the class stared with awe but not surprise, this was classic "Bill and Martha". Finally, the teacher had walked in and she immediately saw the scene at the back of the room. "Martha and William!" she said in a stern voice and the two cut it out almost immediately. Will, who still held her glasses, still earned a hard elbow to the stomach making him drop the glasses right into her palm.

*

"Now, if that didn't set the scene for you then I'm not sure what would. That was Will and I, always at each other's asses. Always with each other. You'll see what I mean by that later. But for now, it's good to have a starting point. For you to know where all the drama began, and how my life took the most drastic turn in three week from then. "


	3. Letter 3, The Nights

"From as early as sixteen, I'd learned that attachment and I had never been on the same page. No matter how comfortable I was or how stable things had been, how much I'd loved something, they never meant to stay in my life for good. I know they say that good things never last. This had been especially true after the first move that my mother decided we needed. I'd been going to school for a good three weeks and things were finally starting to turn back to normal for me. Unfortunately, I wasn't always made aware of the inner working of mother's mind when things started to go sideways for us, and oh, did it go sideways. Of course, I wasn't informed of the shit that had been going on in the background while I was up all night, trying to patch Will up or when I went out with him and Jeff and a few other guys to smoke around the corner of my house. While I was out, trying to be a normal teenager again, my mother was melting in a boiling hot pool of debt. All the bills for all the time I'd spent in hospital, all the treatment I'd needed threw a serious spanner in the works. My mother, who was already struggling before I'd gotten sick to afford the rent, had been desperately begging place to place to get another job, hoping it would, at least, ease the backlog. That, paired with a greedy landlord who has no understanding of the average human living(or below) and a daughter who's school fees had also backed up, well-things started looking very tight for the Vallath's."

-  
Martha was well aware of the consequences if her mother just so much as stepped around the corner to find her doing what she'd been doing. She and another friend, Carla had been joined by Jeff and Will behind her house. It was a windy Saturday afternoon and the friends were getting bored, staring at the dry grass that blew in the wind. Martha reached into her jean pocket and pulled put an all too familiar red and white box. The boys always made fun of her for that, the fact that she would quite literally, shun any sort of drug with all her might but somehow managed a steadily increasing nicotine addiction. Luckily for her, due to the Carla and boys rising enthusiasm in experimenting with drugs, they'd never bothered her for cigarettes. In fact, Carla had pulled a small silver tin filled with a black powdery substance, something Martha couldn't quite figure out, even if she tried. She was hoping to God that whatever it was, it wasn't going up there nose (and thankfully, didn't). Rather, they'd rolled it into the shape of cigarette and then smoking it until they were so high that they couldn't even sit straight, which did wonders for Martha's own paranoia. Martha never wanted to try that stuff, she always thought that getting high was overrated. Especially after spending so many hours having to be sedated because of pain, she thought, she'd stick to cigs. When her mother, Kamala, had stuck her head out of one of the back room windows to call her in for the day, Carla, Jeff and Will were so out of it that they couldn't even stand. "What the fuck did you guys have?" she remembers asking, but never getting an answer.

The entire weekend seemed off to Martha. Kamala hadn't spoken much and she looked as though a ghost had followed her around all over the place. Her eyes had sunken in and the skin around it looked strangely wrinkled and purple. She hadn't even eaten properly. Martha began worrying, as any kid would, but she knew better than to ask her mother who would either brush it off as nothing or give Martha the long talk about how she shouldn't involve herself in adult matters, either way, Martha wouldn't find out any time soon. The long, drawn out weekend had finally started coming to a close and Kamala had signed off to bed abnormally early, leaving Martha to her own thing for the rest of the afternoon and night. She was alone in the little spare room that served as both an art room for Martha and a sewing room for Kamala. There had been a painting she'd been working on for a month straight and she thought it best to try and take her mind off of her mother. The time was flying and before Martha knew it, the night sky was at its darkest and everything around was silent, yet she did not feel tired. Usually her eyelids would grow droopy and she'd yawn every couple seconds, but this had not been the case on this night. And luckily enough too. She could feel that something had been amiss the secomd she heard the outside silence break. First, a few hard and quick footsteps, then the breaking of dry leaves and small twigs. Erratic movements, something that could grab someone's attention. Martha stopped, keeping dead still as she focused on the happenings on the outside. She heard footsteps again but this time is was accompanied by harsh breaths. She looked directly at the window, adjusting her glasses place on her face. A few seconds past and before long, she saw two hands grab at the opening in the window. She gasped loudly and almost dropped the paint but when Will's head popped upward just next to where his hands gripped at the window, she sighed. "Oh fuck-"she grunted and set the palette down beside her. As she made her way over to the window, he'd crawled his way into the house, trying to be as quiet as possible."What the hell, Will? Can't you warn me or something before you do that? My heart nearly fucking exploded." she complained and helped him to his feet. "Well,I'm sorry I didn't think of that sooner."he said, full of sarcasm. It was only when he fully stood up in the light did she see his face, and the damage done to it.

Whenever Will came running to her house during that part of night, there was only one reason for it and was almost always the case. Judging by the giant bruises and gashes spread all across his face, this was definitely one of those times. Full truth of the violence he'd experienced at home, Will's injuries were the result of yet another brutal and hardly deserved beatings from his step father. Most of the times, these beatings occurred when Will hadn't done something right, like not filling the bottle of water that was to be in the fridge or making his bed or doing homework, normal kid stuff that were rewarded by harsh, and unnecessary beatings that were so bad, they resulted in broken bones and scars that would last a life time. Will's step father was truly a terrible man, someone who'd turn you inside out for breathing incorrectly. And Will, well he got the worst of it. It was like his step father hated him,or he did hate him. Whenever this happened(and it was a regular thing), Will would sprint as far away as possible and one night, he saw Martha's light on and thought that, if anyone, she could definitely make him forget about all the shit he gets at home. That one night, he did not find the normal, happy and energetic girl he was so used to but a thin and sickly version of herself. Her hair had been completely shaved off and her body looked if it were made of bones. He'd never seen her like that before but it really opened his eyes for him. That night they both sat beside each other, trying their hardest to forget the hardships life had sent them through.

"What happened?" She questioned, reaching her hand to his chin, pulling his face into the light so she could take a good look at the damage. "What the fuck do you think happened?" He snarled but still leaned in to her touch. She clicked her tongue and and dropped her hand, grabbing at his fingers and weekly tugging him along with her. When this first started happening, they'd have to sneak around so that Kamala would not blow a fuse at the sudden emergence of the troublemaker in her home so late at night. But one night, when she'd heard some commotion from the bathroom at an ungodly time in the morning, and she'd caught them, the two were frantic in trying to find excuse. Kamala knew of of the things that went on in that house and after many moments of harsh over thinking, she knew she had to let Martha help him. Otherwise, who else would've? Will sitting on the cabinet while Martha stood in front of him, dabbing a piece of cotton against his eye while he hissed away in pain. Much like now, Will didn't even need to be told what to do. It was instinct. He hopped onto the cabinet and waited for her to grab the first aid kit, which had been placed in a higher cabinet and she had to stand on the toilet seat to reach it. Will giggled quietly at her height.

The night went on as usual. After Martha had finished patching Will up, they'd go back to her room and talk about it. He'd usually speak with angry conviction of the things that happened and how much he hated his stepfather. Then they'd do something to get his mind off of it and he'd run back home. But this night was different, she could tell from the second they'd entered her room. They sat on her floor where they always did but he wouldn't let go of her hand and this time around, he cried. And he cried hard. Now, it hadn't been the first time she'd ever seen him cry like that, but it was a rarety and to see him like that really meant that something terrible happened. (It was all quite terrible, really, but to get him to react like that-). After holding his crouched, sobbing figure for hours, the two of them fell asleep, right there on the floor. The two of them leaned against each other as they drifted off into sleep.

Finally,the next morning had rolled out and Kamala was up and ready as though she hadn't been in worlds most terrible mood all weekend. When she'd left her room, she noticed how quiet it was. Martha hadn't woken up for school yet, which seemed pretty unlike her, considering the fact that she'd liked getting out of the house so much after being locked up for months. Kamala went to her room and was slightly taken back to find the two sleeping bodies on the floor of her room, leaning against each other. Their faces were clear indicators of the rough night that they'd had, or Will, rather. Sometimes Kamala would be so shocked stupid by her daughters kindness toward people like Will, who didn't have the nicest things being said about him around town. But he was a nice boy and she knew of all the shit he'd gotten at home. Kamala thought of the terrible news she'd have to deliver to her daughter that same day and suddenly, waking her up for school didn't seem so important anymore. With one final glance over Will and Martha, she closed the door behind her and left for work.

When Martha and Will finally woke up, it was nearing around eleven in the morning. The latest Martha has woken up in a long time. It took her a moment to collect her bearings as she couldn't figure out why she's still at home, how Will is still in her room and why her mother allowed that. "Holy shit, I can't believe I fell asleep here. They're going to fucking have my ass for dinner."Will complained, even though he showed no intention of moving. Marthas face scrunched up as she rummaged around her bookshelf for a hair tie."God, don't say shit like that Will."she groaned at him."You should probably get going before mum gets home."she suggested, feeling anxious all over. Whatever strange feelings had gotten hold of her the past weekend has resurfaced and with an intensity greater than ever before. Will was slightly confused by her strange and rather, out of the blue urgency. She basically kicked him out of the house, not even listening to anything he had to say. Afterward, being left all alone for a the next couple of hours, Martha spent that time in total agony as she paced around trying to figure out exactly what had been going on. There were the many times when her own self doubt cut through her excessive mind games and she'd told herself that she was stressing herself out for absolutely nothing as she had no clue what had really been going on. How sure was she that this isn't the effects of stress on her mother? How could she know for sure that there was this big thing happening that she wasn't sure of yet? But then again, how could her mother have just let her sleep through the morning like that? It was very unlikely and strange. Either her mother was too late to check if she'd been up already, or she had and for some reason, decided that Martha was best at home. And if that were the case, is she going to excuse the case of Will sleeping over? Her mind ran a million miles an hour and non-stop until her mother came home. She hadn't bothered to go out and clear her mind  
She didn't run out when school was over to try and find Jeff or Carla. She didn't even play any music to take the edge off the day. Whenever she was alone at home, she'd blast Van Halen as loudly as possible. Her friends would jokingly ask her if she listened to any other band because of the extensive amounts of Van Halen intake. They'd accused her of only listening to them because David Lee Roth was so handsome but... She had many other reasons. (And Alex was her favorite, so that was always an invalid account)  
But this time around, there was no such thing. She'd sat by her window and stared out until she saw her mother's tired figure slowly walking toward their house. She thought she knew nervousness all day, but when she say her mother walking with her back hunched over and a deathly grimace, her heart dropped into her stomach. Martha had even left her room to hurry toward the door, so she couldn't avoid confronting her mother. Even if Kamala had just come through the door. She stared down at her daughter with sadness in her eyes. And from that Martha knew that, she'd been right all along. Whatever was going to happen next would change her life. Much to Martha's obliviousness, it wouldn't just change the next year of her life but the rest of her life.


	4. Letter 4,Meeting With The Devils

"I think may have been in a little over my head. I was only a few months away from nineteen and nobody at that damn studio took me serious enough. (Some of the guys there were my friends but I think they all had this mutual understanding of me). I'd finally gotten out of being a slave to the illiberal white men in A&R and down to recording. I was moving. But in all honesty, if I look back at it now, it shouldn't have felt that way. The pay was still absolute shit and I still got treated even worse. There we the few guys, Randy Kizna, Tom Zutaut, Henry Belinni, those dudes were nice to me. Didn't think of me as a joke and all. But to the other guys and ladies? I was nothing but total trash. In their eyes? There was a lot wrong with me. I was a kid, I'm female, I wasn't white. I kept my hair curly and I never dressed up or wore makeup. I smoked but didn't try to be fancy about it and I wasn't shy to eat in front of people. The guy who hired me, Daren Fowly had been demoted and sent to work downstairs where I hardly saw the man. I thought for sure I was done for. But when I kept working smoothly for the next month, I knew they'd either forgotten about me or they kept me around so they could pin me on a minor fuck up (and I hardly ever fucked up). But as I said, I was moving. Even if they'd sent me some trash psychedelic Pink Flloyd wannabe's that called themslves The Saints Children, or Children of The Saint or some bullshit like that. They're lead singer was a crazy alcoholic named Rich McCoy who wore really bright pink lipstick. They stuck out like a sore thumb. So you can imagine how stoked I'd been when Tom sauntered his skinny ass into the studio that day with some pretty great news."

-Midyear, 1982-  
It was only past midday and these Saints were throwing marbles all around the floor, trying to get an "original" sound but spent nearly two hours on it because, one;they couldn't quite get the right sound and two;they'd been so fucked out on cocaine and vodka that they'd drop the entire bag to the ground and stare at the glass objects bounce with the most fascination in their twinkly little eyes. "The absolute bullshit",Martha thought. She sat beside a fellow producer, Randy Kizna, who shared the same expression. Bored and irritated as shit. Martha was leaning against her palm, staring at the three idiots in the sound booth with total dull rage. She wanted nothing more than walk in and pelt them with those same marbles before giving up on them completely. Fortunately for her, just a little bit up the hall, was her saving grace. Or her worst nightmares, if she thought back during her time spent working at Elektra,because once Tom Zutaut had passed the small glass door with this amazing idea-well her life would never be the same. From the second she'd gleefully agreed to do the first bits of the dirty work for him,she didn't know the world of chaos, unlimited happiness and unlimited pain she'd been hurled imto. A world where, nothing was ever constant, nothing would stay for another twenty years. 

When Tom pulled her to the side, she felt more grateful than anything, for he'd taken her away from the agony of having to listen to Rich McCoy for much longer. "I need your help."he asked, sounding a little on edge, even if he had a big goofy smile across his face. She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned in to what he was saying. He smacked an A4 sized, black and white poster onto the table beside them and turned it in her direction, wanting her to get a good view. "Have you heard of them?" he questioned, even before she looked down. She stared at the paper for a few seconds before reading the heading, the acts name. "Mötley Crüe?" she said in a questioning tone, grabbing it from him so she can take a better look at the men on the front. Unluckily for her, it had been such a grainy photo and all she could really make out was giant hair and giant shoes. "Yeah man, they're fucking out of this world. And I gotta sign 'em."He cheered, earning a surprised look from Martha."Sign? Tom what the fuck are you talking about?" She questioned, still clutching the paper at her side. Tom explained how they'd told him that he could sign them, just so they could watch it burst into flames to use it as an, "I told you so." but regardless, he'd been allowed to bring this band to the world and to actually do something about it. He, just like Martha, saw himself moving up in the food chain-even if in retrospect-they'd just been sent up a little so that the assholes higher than them could see them lose in life. To be the laughing stock, the perfect example of "stay in fucking line." Maybe Martha should've listened, went about her life listening and drive herself to continue through the agonizing process of dealing with the shitty bands that no one wanted to handle anymore. It would have paved a much simpler path for her. But she knew full well that this wasn't the life she wanted for herself. To be treated differently and terribly all her life for something as mere as her outward appearance. "Well, fuck yeah,I'll help!" she agreed and earned another goofy smile from Tom who stood quite awkwardly, unaware as to what to do next or how to thank her. "But uh-dude I gotta see them first!" Martha realised she still has no clue who this band is. Tom didn't even shed an ounce of sweat because he knew for a fact that as soon as Martha saw Mötley Crüe, it'd be like seeing through his eyes. Like seeing through the eyes of every soul that had been captured on the scene by this rising flame that grew and grew. Tom knew that they were doing the Whisky again in a day, so without much thought, he got himself an official A&R card before leaving the work building that day, feeling excited at the fact that this time around, he didn't need to sneak his way into the place. 

He and Martha cut the line as if they had no fear for their lives. (especially when some very impatient, very intoxicated people growled at them.) The bouncer had a deadly snarl that seemed permanently bolted to his face and when he saw the two of them, he looked like was about ready to squash them under his boot. But Martha's heart rate didn't change a bit. She simply flashed him a tag that had been hanging from around her neck and before he could give her the go ahead, she grabbed Tom by the wrist pushed into the club. Tom looked pretty much like he always did. He wore a plain long sleeved shirt that had blue and green stripes and his left his shaggy hair to graze at his cheeks. Martha had worn some black jeans that has been ripped up at the knees. She also wore a big dark blue hoodie, with the hood up. "Are you trying to hide from someone?"Tom asked, looking around, anxious to see if he could spot the band before their performance."No, not really. I just hate everyone here."She answered truthfully. She looked around the dimly lit room which had packed to it's capacity by all things reprehensible. Drugs being passed around and done at almost every corner, woman dressed to the complete opposite of Martha-everything hanging out, ratted up hair and make up for days. People passing or acting out due to extreme alcohol consumption. The Whisky-A-Go-Go had it all. "Ew."Martha commented, even though her face stayed blank and emotionless, her tone said it all."Can you at least act like you don't want to commit mass murder on all these people right now?" Tom feigned exasperation, bringing his fingers to hook at her hood to try and pull it down. "The only person that's gonna get murdered is you if you don't put your scrawny hand down, Zutaut." she growled at him, making him pull back his hand at the speed of lightning. This wasn't very much like Martha. She usually had it rough from everyone at work but it never created this giant ball of anger in her that he's seeing currently. He couldn't figure out was wrong and he was getting a little scared to ask too. As they wove through the crowds of people,Tom would always remember this time as being the one that saved him from her growing annoyance,and he'd owe it all to Tommy Lee's unbelievably, outstanding height. "Shit it's them."Tom commented, the excitement returning to his voice. And when Martha turned to see who he'd spoken about, she felt the same excitement flare up inside of her and not because she was happy to find his band he'd gone on about."Oh my God... No fucking way!" she yelled and Tom stared at her with confusion. "Tommy?!"she yelled and loud enough for the trigger-happy boy to hear and boy was he glad that he did. His head snapped in her direction as fast as lightening and when he caught sight of her, his eyes widened to the size of tennis balls. The way his shoulder raised and his body shifted, it was as if anyone with eyes could tell that he was about to lunge at her with excitement,exactly why Tom gave into the urge to move to the side. And just as expected, Tommy swept past the few people in front of him with great haste and soon enough, Martha was in his tight grip. Being swung around by Tommy, who had very little care about the bodies that had been tightly packed around them. Martha gripped tightly at his shoulders as he did at her waist. After a few seconds, he'd let her down, but never letting go of her. Tom was stunned. "Man, what the fuck are you doing here?" Tommy yelled over the music, bending down for convenience. "I'm here to see this band my friend over there told me about!" she shouted back, still holding a bright, wide smile. Tommy's smile matched her enthusiasm , jumping a little, knowing damn well that it was his band she'd been speaking about. "I can't fucking believe this! Fuck dude!" He was beaming. Between the excitement to play the gig and running into Martha after not seeing her for over a year, he was over the moon. Tom, who was now very taken back and confused, suggested that they head over to the bar area so that they could properly talk. About how Tommy and Martha know each other, of course, not about the actual signing if the band. 

While Tommy sat at the table with Tom and Martha, the other members of Mötley Crüe were certainly bewildered . They stood from a distance and watched Tommy throw around the most insane hand gestures as he spoke to a very awkward, nerdy looking boy and someone else,kind of hard to make out considering the amazing cover up of Martha's hoodie. "Who the fuck is he talking to?" Nikki practically growled, doing very little to hide the scowl on his make-up plastered face. Mick said nothing but shared a very similar expression to Nikki's and Vince, as surprising as it is that he wasn't off playing rabbits with some chick, was trying very hard to figure out who Tommy was speaking to. During the course of their conversation, as Martha grew more comfortable, she finally pulled her hoodie off. He hair came down with it, revealing itself in all its black and shiny glory. You could hear Mick and Nikki's facial expression change as the girl's face was revealed to them. And even worse, Vince,who seemed just as stunned as Tommy was. "Woah, whose that-" Nikki began but Vince spoke over. "Martha, holy shit." And with that, he went strutting toward them with an uneasy smile on his face. The two blackheads stayed behind, wondering what on earth was going on. Well, more like Mick had been left wondering this where Nikki was now eyeing this girl with bad intentions written all over his mind. He may have had no idea who she was, but she was hot as fuck. Beside, when has being strangers ever stopped him before? Nikki set out his target for the night which compelled him to make a move toward them, trailing after him, Mick. As they walked over, they noticed that things seemed a little icey between this beautiful girl and Vince. Whichever way he knows her, there wasn't much "good blood" floating around. "What in the fuck is this?" Nikki spoke almost immediately upon entering their vicinty. They all stared and Tommy muttered out something immediately but he'd been so fixated on Martha's excited smile that he didn't even a hear a word that come from the drummer. She wasn't what he'd expected at all. She was small and had curly, jet black hair. Even though she wore a big jacket, her tattoos were visible past the color line. Nikki wouldn't lie, the thought of her race only briefly flashed through his mind as he thought about how she'd been the only brown person to be in the building. "So what are you doing here, with this-?"Mick questioned, looking at Tom with disgust in his eyes. Nikki, who had been anxious to hear the girl speak, felt disappointed when Tom spoke instead. He's nasily voice already associating itself with annoyance in Nikki's mind."Tom Zutaut, Elektra Records, how are ya'?" He spoke, shoving his hand out toward Nikki, who very powerfully expressed that he will not be taking the boys hand. Tom, still smiling, reluctantly pulled his hair back. "You still work at that damn place? Shit-" Vince commented and Martha only smiled. Once again, rousing disappointment from Nikki when he hadn't heard her voice. Her eyes were dark but she was squinting quite a bit, as though she'd struggled to see clearly. Nobody could tell but she felt extremely uncomfortable with the big haired bad boy that opted for standing, intimidatingly over them with a snarl attached to his face. And the much shorter, older looking one next to him who looked like he wanted nothing more than to shove his giant boot up Tom's ass. "I saw you dudes playing the other night and I gotta tell you-" Tom began but as Martha zoned out of the conversation happening around her, she zoned into the bassist who stood before her. His hair was the first thing that really drew her, big and as dark as hers (but definitely not naturally). He had prominent bangs that covered up his eyes and the rest of hair fell over his cheecks. Underneath all the could make out was some pink lipstick and face powder to the extreme. Almost as extreme as the infinity inched boots he wore, making an already tall boy extremely tall. His face changed many times throughout Tom's well thought out proposition. Annoyance, confusion, interest. He looked crazy. Not just the way he dressed (a bedazzled top coat and striped pants) but his personality too. This man, whoever he was, had quickly caught Martha's attention span and she become so interested that she almost didn't catch when he spoke up, asking Tommy and Vince how they seem to already know her. "Hm, what?" she asked, trying to regain composure, hoping to God that no one caught her eyeing Nikki. Her voice was deeper than everyone thought a small girl of her size to have. "How do you know these losers?" Nikki asked again, slapping Tommy on the shoulder as he did so. Tommy smiled and let out a breathy chcuckle, shaking his head as the memories came flushing through his thoughts. "We were in high school together."Vince spoke, but his time seemed to hold a bothered tone. Nikki shook his head, acting uninterested. 

They spoke a lot more after that, Tom mainly. He'd made the company sound almost irresistible to their hungry little souls. Tommy was basically jumping in seat, which as unsurprising as it is. Even if he'd been a noob at this, Tom was killing it. They were entranced by this idea. Martha And Tom thought they'd been fucked when another label had showed up to sign the Mötley boys with a $25, 000 more than Elektra, but the boys stuck to their guns. Just Martha's luck really. There had been literally every reason for these idiots to go with the other company, but they never did. Finally, the time that Martha waited for the entire night. The performance. They made their way onto stage in their heeled glory, earning the biggest roar from the crowd heard that night. While Tom pushed himself forward on his palms, eyes wide and full of anticipation,Martha leaned against the seat with a booted leg thrown onto the table. She'd pushed her hair back and stuck her tongue to the side of her mouth that laid slightly agape,she had an eyebrow raised and her big brown eyes fixed on the boys ahead of her. As it grew more crowded, she'd rid herself of the jacket, revealing a white Van Halen vest with a black one underneath and just as Nikki had guessed, an array of tattoos sprawled in various areas from her neck down to her arms and maybe, even further. Only her shoulders and neck had been showing and she wore no make up, yet she still managed to be sexier than every female in the room at the time. The total opposite nature she displayed of her boyishness didn't only earn her an itch in the pants of Nikki Sixx but respect in the boys eyes. Not that she'd actively sought it, but that was the one thing about Martha. The complete disinterested in her tone only made her more wanted. Which is something weird to experience when she grew up being berated by everyone she knew for looking the way she did. Nikki felt this weird thing he'd never really felt before, something other than the raging boner that he now harbored because of Martha's damn eyes. (he swore himself for being so unlikely entranced, but no one could blame him). He couldn't figure out what it was but he certainly did not want to. He brushed it off and thought that all it was, was a serious hormonal reaction toward her and thought it was nothing a good fuck couldn't fix. Boy, was he wrong. 

Finally, after talking all night and sitting in axiouness, they played. First, there was silence and then, a prominent guitar riff she wouldn't be able to shake, even when she'd gone home that night. Tommy was unlike anything she remembered seeing, she always thought he has been good at the drums but in the year and a half she hadn't seen him, he seemed to have gotten even better. It was fucking impressive and she found her heartbeat picking up with excitement even though it had only been the intro. And then Vince. He came in with these vocals that rang through the room like a strong churchbell. Every person was captivated and that, was only them using their skill. They're stage presence was on a whole other level. They reeked of confidence, of talent and quite honestly, sex. Every girl that was in the radius were practically welcoming the boys with open legs at every corner they turned. They were fucking amazing. As the song progressed, Martha grew more and more delighted, absolutely shaken by the level of skill. Her hands went to her mouth and she couldn't hold back the giggles that passed them. Tom put his hand on her shoulder. "I fuckin' told you, didn't I."He whispered but kept his smile. Martha would later come to find the name of the song,"Live Wire" . A song that, no matter how many years had past, would always give her that same excited feeling, quick heartbeat and goosebumps all over. Tom look over at Tommy, banging away at the drum set, hair flying and lips pouted and remembered how he'd reacted to seeing them (or Martha) earlier. He knew that Tommy explained that they were in high school together but he wanted to know more. He leaned over and whispered once again,"So how do you know those two guys?"


	5. Chapter 5

Letter Five,Part One-Leaving Home

"So I suppose that you, just like Tom, are wondering just how I already knew Tommy and Vince. Well, we got the basics of it out of the way, I went to high school with them. Or, I spent my last year in high school with them. Remember when I'd waited for my mother to come home with a churning stomach all day because I felt that something was wrong? Well, something had definitely been wrong, and it definitely wasn't stress caused by the assholes that my mother worked with. I remember so clearly, as though it had happened yesterday, when she came through the door with sorrow and exhaustion in her eyes. And something else, tears. She'd wasted no time in sitting me down, hands held tightly between mine, as she struggled to tell me the certain uprooting our lives would have to take. Quite literally. She told me with great difficulty that in a few hours, we'd be out of Indiana. For good. God, when she dropped that bomb on me I swear my heart dropped into my stomach. Now, I was not about to bitch about the whole thing, I knew for a fact that things were looking like shit for us. We were a ropestring away from losing the house, my mother couldn't physically take on another job and the hospital bills had taken most out of her life savings. With the little of those savings left, my mother had made the decision to move us to place where... We stood a chance of survival. And that place was...LA."

"Los Angeles?" Martha questioned, dumbfounded by the news. Strangely, her thoughts weren't focused on the fact that she'd have to move so far away from she'd already been, rather, it was on the fact that Los Angeles was not a place that was notorious for it's expendability. That was no place for people like Martha or Kamala who were living on scraps at that point. "Ma-what-why LA?"She started but was unable to form a coherent sentence."Well, we're going to move in with your cousin for a while. Aunty Ola said we could crash there until I'm back on my feet, which-if I work really hard-will only be a few months."Kamala spoke with a sort of gloomy calmness. Her face drooped with distress but her voice kept its usual collected tone."What?" Martha questions again.. While she wasn't completely unsure of what her mother had just told her, the idea of having to start packing as soon as their conversation was over was really fucking with her head. "Baby, I thought you would have been okay with that. I mean, you get to see Saul more often right? "It was Martha's cousin that Kamala spoke about when she let a little of her insecurity slip through when she heard the distress of her daughter. Immediately, Martha felt guilty. She didn't want her mother believing that in this time of struggle, she was actually being picky. She squeezed at her mother's hand tightly and spoke, "No-no-no ma, it's not like that at all. Of course I don't mind seeing Slash that often, and of course I don't mind living with them. I'm just-I'm trying to wrap my head around it."Martha reassured, the tone of panic still evident in her voice. Kamala only sucked her bottom lip in and nodded her head, relieved that Martha had taken the news better than she hoped."So, we have to leave in the morning."Kamala said and that, that had been the biggest shocker to Martha. The fact that this big change would be happening so suddenly. She couldn't comprehend this fact."Wha-. Wait-" she stammered out as she thought of both Will and Jeff."Will,I have to-" She stuttered and her mother forced a weak smile. "Go. Go find them and let them know. I'll get started okay?" and with that, Martha was out the door. She'd never felt this level of panic in her life. She looked like a manic, sprinting through the streets, shouting for Will. She knew for a fact that he hadn't been home but there had been dozens os hangouts spots hidden around their town, of she were to find Will before nightfall, she'd have to to speed it up. As she closed in on a nearby playground, she was almost winded with relief when she'd spotted the carrot top from so far away. Even with her glasses off, Will's prominent hair color would always be a dead giveaway. Martha stopped dead in her tracks and didn't even attempt go any further as she felt her lungs burn with breathlessness. She leaned her palms against her bare knees and caught her breath, using whatever was left of it to shout his name. "Will! William!" She grunted out, knowing for a fact that he couldn't mistaken her loud, gruff voice. Martha's had been a little strange to her body. It was very deep and low, a bit odd for someone so small. Her stared at her past his grown out fringe and blue eye and was almost shocked to see her panting like a dog in the middle of the street in no shoes. He jogged toward her but sped up once he noticed the urgency in her face. "Fuck-what's wrong?" he questioned when he finally reached her, noticing the slightest of tears in her eyes. She didn't say anything at first, throwing herself at him and squeezing him between her arms. He jerked a little at the sudden action but quickly placed his own arms around her back. "Something is wrong, isn't it?" he questioned once more and this time she sighed so heavily, Will didn't hope for anything other than bad news. "I'm leaving."she said, her tone plain but the crack in her voice gave her away. "Leaving? What do you mean by that?" He asked, the raising concern in her voice becoming more and more evident. He stood back a bit, hoping that if he looked into her eyes, what she said would change. But things were not that simple and he, out of all oekole understood that. Martha had locked her fingers Between Will's and they both started down the street while she'd explained. He stayed so silent through it all that she didn't even know if he had been listening or not. His flare was distant and his haw clenched hard as though he'd been gritting his teeth. "Will?" she called him after she'd finished explaining, scared of what was to come next. He turned on his heel and stared her up and down with something in his eyes she'd never seen before. For the first time, Martha could read him. She'd opened her mouth to ask what had been going on his mind but a single tear dropped to his cheek, her voice got lost in her throat as lump the size of golf ball formed. "You're leaving me? What am I supposed to-how could I-you-" he stammered out the words as they came to mind. "Will-please."She started, reaching her hand for him. Unexpectedly, he smacked her hand away from him, letting his much acclaimed rage take ahold of him. In all honesty, he knew for a while that letting his mind get in the way of him was, by all means, very unfair to Martha,who had no say in the matter at all. But he couldn't help it. The burning anger that now lived in him could be ignited by the smallest of things and now, with the announcing that the one thing(or person) that he truly trusted the most, was going to leave him. Will hadn't had the best luck in life for the seventeen years he'd been alive but he always though he could rely on Martha being there for him. He was dumb to think things would last forever, and now, with his last chance at ever seeing her again, he was pushing her away. "What are you-" and again, he'd cut her off. "You should have just fucking left. You shouldn't have even come for me. Just-, just go."he growled at her. Martha's eyes went wide and she felt her heart shatter, right there in front of him." Are you out of your fucking mind? You're acting like an idiot Will, this is not my fault!"she was yelling now, more with hurt then with anger. She couldn't understand what had gotten into him and for what reason he'd acted out this way. She expected more from him."Me? Who's the one that's just going to fucking pack up and leave?!" He screamed louder, not hearing how irrational he was being. He was upset, but the last years of endless trauma hadn't allowed him to ever accept anything with calmness or understanding, never."I can't believe you're actually doing this, you-you asshole. After all this time? This is is my last chance to see you, I don't know, maybe ever! And you're blowing it all on nothing because you constantly have your head up your ass?" She shouted back, this time, her tone matched his. Loud and full of anger. An old woman who had been living in a house near the park actually perked her head through the kitchen window to witness these two because she'd heard them all the way in her bathroom. That comment that Martha made, well, it set off the growing rage that was bubbling in Will's stomach. And finally, that bubble burst. "Fuck off then. You'd never have to leave if you didn't eat all your mother's fucking money, bitch!" and this time, he spoke softly and his anger now sounded like pure heartbreak. "Will-"  
"Don't fucking call me that. And leave me alone. I don't wanna see your face."He snarled at her, gripping at her shoulder so tightly that it burned. She jerked her shoulder aawsy from him, doing nothing to hide the dearly glare her face had sunken into."Fuck you William Bailey." "Eat shit."He told her. He turned away from her and started back toward the merry-go-round he'd been sitting on when she called him. She felt tears sting at her eyes but she dared not let them fall, and she dated not make herself look weak in front of someone who, after all their time spent together, just dropped her in the dirt like that. She wanted to call after him, to say she was sorry. But what was she so sorry for? What had she said that was so wrong? No. Will was wrong. And yet, she still hoped with all of her heart that he'd come running after her. That he would apologize. Wish her goodbye, the way she deserved. 

She walked back home slowly, her face dead straight. The last few moments played over in her mind like a broken record and each time she'd thought if Will's hurtful words, she grew more and more bitter. As she claimed the stairs up to her house, she felt her stomach ache in a way she'd only ever felt when she was sick. She'd hoped that for the sake of her own sanity, at least her health would remain. When she walked through the door, her house had been unlike she's seen before. She'd loved there for twelve years and couldn't remember what it was like with things out of place. Now, with plates and other kitchen accessories out of their places and wrapped in newspaper, she knew that this was all too real and it scared her to no end. When Kamala heard the door open, she quickly came to see her daughter, ready to hear how bad it had gone with Will. She was not expecting to hear the news of badly he'd reacted and how he'd wasted their last time together being a dick. Kamala offered advice but Martha told her that she didn't want to speak about it and rather, she'd start getting everything together. With that, mother and daughter went about preparing for the biggest change in their lives. 

The night was rough. Martha and Kamala had finished packing so late that Kamala had fallen asleep almost immediately. Martha, on the other hand, could not get a second of shut-eye no matter how exhausted she'd felt. The entire day had gone by and she felt numb to everything around her, no feeling or thoughts whatsoever. But as soon as she laid her head down, it all hit her like truck. And she cried,she cried hard. At a point he pushed her fist between her teeth to silence her sobs which were growing in volume. Finally the strain from the day and the damage the intense crying had done, she'd finsy fallen asleep. But Martha didn't get a decent rest. It felt like she'd closed her eyes for a second and opened them in the next,with Kamala at her side and endless stacks of boxes around, it was time to get the last bit in order because the trucks had arrived. Martha had quickly gotten dressed, trying to forget the ringing in her ears and the pudning in her head. She'd helped the moving people load most of the boxes in the truck, doing anything and everything she could possibly do to take her mind off of the actual situation, or the fact of it rather. 

The last stretch had come around and it was time to finally leave. Kamala was making sure that everything g had been locked before she handed the keys over to the landlord. As she did, Martha waited outside the house in agony trying not to get emotional again. By the time they'd finished loading up, early afternoon had rolled by and it was school out. So she wasn't surprised when she heard Jeff calling her name as he ran down the street to try and catch up with her. He slowed down as he neared her. "Jeff."she said, smiling for the first time that day. He was sweating from running and panting heavily."You're-fucking-leaving." he said between heavy heaves of breath. Martha sighed, thinking about having to go through this again. She swallowed hard and crossed her hands over her chest. "Yeah, yes I am. In fifteen minutes actually."she told him, unable to mask the pain in her voice. He didn't say anything for a second, trying his very best to not be awkward."Bill told me at school today." Jeff said, then turned his head quickly, realizing he shouldn't have said that. "What? Ugh, what did he say?" And her voice changed with added aggression. Jeff only shook his head, knowing that it would be best if he didn't tell her about Will's frantic state. "I came to-uhm, I came to talk to you about, about something else."He told her, his voice coming down to a whisper. Her eyebrows folded down and she looked him up and down. Martha looked back to see her mother still speaking with the landlord so she and Jeff quickly stepped off to side of the house where they could speak in peace. Before they'd even stepped past the bush they heard Kamala's voice. "Martha!"she called. Martha and Jeff groaned."Her timing is in impeccable, I tell you." Martha commented, rolling her eyes. "Five minutes, Ma."she yelled out, hoping her mother heard her and wouldn't come looking."You heard, five minutes. Speak, Isbel."she feigned courage, letting her hands fold over her chest once more."I-uh."he started, leaving his mouth slightly open as he shut his eyes tightly. Martha was confused. She looked at him with big eyes, as though her glasses hadn't been working. And once again, Kamala called out for her."Come on Jeffery, I have to go."She pressed, clapping her hand against his arm to speed him up. Still, he stayed silent."Jeeeeff" she whined, looking to the side of her. When she turned her head back, the most startling thing happened. The same second she looked back at Jeff, his lips were on hers. She looked up at his face with eyes the size of saucers and she pursed her lips. But as the seconds past, she'd realized the actuality of this situation and she responded. Her hands went to his neck and pulled him closer to her. What fuck was she doing? She'd always liked Jeff, since the time they'd met in eight grade but, she never in her life thought he might've liked her back. And now here she is, having her first kiss moments before she was about leave her life in Indiana behind for good. "Martha? Where are you?" Kamala's words broke the kiss. While they both smiled, Martha couldn't help the dismal feeling in her chest. Wishing he'd kissed her any time before she had to leave. She laughed as she looked back, knowing that in a few seconds, she'd had to leave. "I'm coming!" she shouted back before turning around to face Jeff once more. He had a big, goofy grin plastered on his face. She smiled at him too, pushing herself to her toes and for the final time, she placed a gentle peck against his lips and before he could say anything she started to back away. "Don't forget me Jeffery."She shouted, through giggles that were choked out but tears."I-I won't." She threw him a peace sign and went turned the corner, leaving Jeff to stand alone and a little dumbfounded at that. He replayed her last sentence to him, over and over. "Don't forget me, don't forget, don't forget."  
"Never, he'd whispered to himself"

Letter 5(Part Two), 'So How Do You know These Guys?' 

"And that, brings us to L.A. When we'd first gotten there, I hadn't the slightest idea of the exact plans my mother had when we'd gotten to L.A,but from the second we got there, things started looking better. We'd only had to stay at my Aunt,Ola's house for a week. While I was off running around with Slash and his delinquent friends, my mother and his mother went house and job hunting and just as the week came to a close, she'd found the perfect job, working as a dentists assistant in a town called Covina. Not too far from where my cousin lived. The next week had rolled around and we were moving into a shitty little apartment that was basically an attached kitchen and lounge. There was a bathroom but it would definitely need some serious getting used to before I could stop noticing the thick rust that rimmed the sinkholes or the cracking tiles that had unremovable grime collecting between them. If I thought where I lived before was a shithole, then this place was hell. The roof by the kitchen area began to sink and there were brown rings scattered all around the area. There was a nasty stench that constantly lingered from the garbage site only a few blocks away and cockraoch infestation of note. It was terrible. But, it was all we could afford to call our new home. Luckily for me, better things were to come."

Once Martha and Kamala had moved in to their new apartment, they were determined to make the most out of their situation. They didn't do much complaining as they lived in the building that was basically falling apart while simultaneously going against a number of healthcode rules. It was pretty disgusting. Instead, these two spent all their time together trying to make it as homey as possible, keeping whatever annoyance they had to themselves. It was only after a day or two did they really get settled in, the day that Kamala had started a new job. By this time summer had already rolled around and even though Martha had only attended three weeks after getting better, she had the sudden feeling in her gut that she didn't want to see another school building for a long time. Nervousness she supposes. She'd left everything she knew behind for a life of fighting for survival. Even though she'd been so helpful to her mother, not only assisting in everything assigned to her but also doing everything in her power to keep her mother smiling, she was not all that okay. Internally, things were a big mess. Thoughts of being somewhere completely new with no one to turn to about what had been troubling her. She missed her friends terribly, Will worst of all. Even if he'd pulled the ultimate "asshole" on her the day she'd come to find him, which then turned her longing to see him into actual rage. For the next few years, she'd come to find that the thought of Will always made her see red. The face he'd made when he shunned her on finding out about the move would always stay vivid in her mind. Most nights, she'd tossed and turned, hoping that the her harsh movements wouldn't wake her mother who seemed dog tired almost all the time after she'd started working for that dentist. Only a few weeks had passed of that same, sad routine. Day in and day out and quite frankly, Martha had grown so tired of it. She felt so restless, staring the walls of the shitty apartment, her thoughts being her only company,and not the best thoughts at that. She'd woken up with a certain tugging in her heart, hoping that something exciting would happen, something would change for her. That she'd finally be given a reason to be happy, living where she had. Thankfully, the teenagers of Covina were just as unruly as back in Indiana. And their unruliness was the same reason Martha would meet that person that, would not only become one of the best friends she'd have all her life, but would also be the reason that, many years later, she'd taken a chance on him and his friends because she'd trusted him. 

Martha had been sat on the windowsill in the lounge/bedroom, staring out at all the kids roaming around the streets together,different groups of friends, some large and some only two people big. They were all laughing with each other, goofing off. In the distance, she made out a pale haired, red lipped girl who looked a little bit older than Martha. She spoke with clawed fingers, scratching at the air violently as her face turned bright red. Her and her friends, all with the same disgust portrayed on their angry little faces were passing a cigarette around. Each taking their turn before they'd dramatically shriek something into the each other's faces about God-knew what. But as that little cancer stick passed around them, Martha's tongue grew dry and she's licked her lips. Seeing it made her realize that the last time she'd been left at peace to smoke was that afternoon when she'd sat with Jeff, Will and Carla on the bank behind her house. That had been almost two weeks before and she hadn't even realized. She'd known for a fact that she had an almost full box just laying idly in the pocket of the jacket she'd worn that day, how had she forgotten about it. And now that she remembered, she can't quite understand how she'd been kept away from it this long. The itch in her lips began to intensify and she fiddled with her fingers. After thinking about it for a few more seconds, her eyes darted to the small wall clock as she checked the time. She had no idea why she'd done that, even without looking at the clock she knew that her mother wouldn't be home for hours. Yet, the paranoia was always so real that it sometimes made her sick. 

Once she'd gotten back from the large wardrobe on the other side of the room with the red and white box clamped tightly in the one hand and a box of matches in the other, she couldn't quite hold back her enthusiasm. Something to be excited about, she thought,for the first time in a while. She pushed the window wide open, looking back every now then to make sure that her mother wouldn't have picked this one day to arrive early. Even if it had been way too early. She stuck the top half of her body through the window and pushed her hair behind her ears before grabbing the cigarette and the match box. It took almost no time to get the thing lit as she'd become so used to it that she could probably do it in her sleep. Finally, she'd brought the cigarette up to her lips and inhaled. God, the sigh of relief that left her lips, tangled with a cloud of smoke. That was the best she'd felt in weeks, and from that moment, it would only get better. She'd been left in silence for so long now that it become almost like natural for her. Like hearing other sounds was a foreign idea that she was once familiar with. Being left alone was not ideal for someone like Martha. But her silence was about to be broken and for Martha, it would never be restored. Her heart had nearly jumped straight out of her chest when she heard a deep, geeky voice echo beside her. "Come here often?" the sentence was filled with sarcasm and amusement and earned a loud snort from Martha, before she could even think about it,before she could see who had said that. She turned her head to the side, eyeing the boy who'd said that. He was a thin and lanky boy with shaggy brown hair and a stringy short mustache. He wore tight, three quarter pants that seemed like his long legs had struggled into. "Uh-" she murmerd, looking him up and down as though he'd seen an alien. His eyes grew and he shook his head, as though he'd asked an obvious question. After staring at the awkwardly confident boy for a second, she'd realized that this is the first human contact she'd had other than her mother in weeks. "I live here."she stated, although it sounded more like a question."I'm fucking with you. I know you do, I saw ya'll move in last week." he told her, his gaze still holding hers as he smiled proudly. She smiled too but her eyebrow had been cocked and her lips held a confused hilarity. "I'm sorry, who are you?" she questioned, already seeming interested in the boy. "I'm Tommy."he said, holding his hand out for her to take.


	6. Letter Six, A Ride On The Wildside

Letter Six, A Ride On The Wildside

"Sometimes I wondered if moving to L.A was the turning point that changed my whole life, and sometimes I wondered if it was meeting Tommy. Because, honestly, I don't think I would have ended up where I did if I hadn't met him. But who's to say I wouldn't have gotten the job at Electra anyways, and just have met him later in life? Either way, it was being friends with him that was the real reason I didn't think twice about stepping in on the Mötley Crüe team. (Even if I had no choice, according to Nikki). The trust I had in him would prove to be truly unfaultering in all the ways you could think, a real friend. Though, back then, he and the those two other idiots (Nikki and Vince) made managing them the hardest task under the sun. Getting their attention was like trying to remove staples from a stack of magazines, it took forever and it was sure to bring out the rage in you, and getting them to listen? God, I'm surprised that I had the amount of patience that I did. People always asked me how I ever managed being around them so often and still had a head full of hair, because anyone was sure to pull all of their own hair out after spending only a night with them. I, from my own mind, cannot even explain the level of restraint I had to keep to try and hold myself back from committing murder on those bastards. Mick was the only one who never needed goading or nagging. But the other assholes? Ha! Nevertheless, I somehow still hardly ever lost my shit with them. It was because I had so much hope for them and so much love for them. Yes, they were the most hectic little boys to be around, the literally drove me insane. But, they never let me down. They never failed to make up for all the shit they were sure to put me through,they were always sure to do exactly what they'd promised. To take over the world, and they didn't want to do it if I wasn't right there."

" They'd been signed for all of two months and people had already started losing their minds with these boys,who left a trail of destroyed music equipment, enraged A&R men and weak legged woman behind them. And to pick up the pieces, little old me and my growing knowledge of how to deal with them. If not me, who else would? Even if I didn't want to, my sanity was also at stake here."

"Martha speaking."Martha said, speaking with the most professional tone she could muster up. The phone that had been jammed between her shoulder blade and ear held steady as she flipped through her schedule for the day, hoping that whoever was on the other side was not going to disrupt said schedule. "We need help over here."Tom's familiar voice came through the speaker. She stopped paying attention to the paper in front of her and sighed deeply. For the third time that week they he had to ring her to the studio so she could put them under control. Technically, Martha was supposed to be in there already, getting the recording going. But there had been no such thing for the past three days as she'd been given the ultimate job of babysitting those fools. And just as she'd expected, after being gone for only an hour, Tom was frantically trying to keep a still voice while the sound of choas echoed in the background. "Fucking hell Tom, there are three grown ass men with you and you still can't control them? I'm busy man."she complained, even though she knew that there had been no point in doing so, she'd still have to walk all the way back to the studio to tell them that they need to chill the fuck out. Tom only sighed and she could hear him shrug, followed by Tommy's voice, "That your little girl you talkin' to?" "Fine, just give a couple seconds."

Vince had been happily plastering pictures from a porno magazine all over the walls on the inside of the studio while Tommy was jumping on the couch like a kid. There had been pieces of broken glass on the floor that Nikki kept breaking into smaller pieces and in the corner, Mick sat on the furthest side of the room with a tired expression on his face and a whole bottle tequila in hand. Not a single one of them were doing what they were meant to. The door clicked open and Martha walked into it with a rather unamused scowl. As she stepped inside, each boy had stopped what they were doing and stared at her. Tom was leaning against a wall with his hands crossed over his chest and he exhaled in relief when he saw her. Now, this was by no means the boys backing down from their ridiculous charades from fear of her or anything of the sort, they'd thought she came to start the recording. "What in the fuck is this?" She questioned, looking at the big tangle of leather clad limbs that was Nikki Sixx, squinting past his fringe as if she'd spoken a foreign language."Tom I thought you guys were really getting murdered or some shit-"   
"You called her on us? You bitch!" Nikki spoke with a growl that sounded so real. Only a few seconds and soon, Tommy had resumed his assault on the couch, digging the spikes on his shoes into any piece he could get. They acted as though they hadn't had a job at hand. The bitches. Luckily for Martha, Tom and anyone else who'd ever need help in the future, this would be the one moment when the boys realized that there was all but one person they couldn't take for a bitch. Vince had sauntered next to her with a smirk of the devil, like he was so ready to absolutely humiliate the shit out of her, the way he'd done to so many men and women that day. As if that worked all those years ago when they were in high school. "You pussy's better have your asses in there and ready to play in ten minutes or-", Vince cut her off. "Or what, princess?" His voice challenging and filled with sarcasm. Nikki stopped and looked up the scene, ready for the drama that would come once Vince berated the little girl. But none of that was to happen,and even Tommy knew. That's why he'd stopped dead in his tracks and backed into the same place that Mick sat, commenting, "Shit, she's gonna kick his ass." Mick had been uncertain of the seriousness behind that statement and was curious to know why Tommy had said something like that. And, he had no choice but to pay attention, there was nothing else he could look at. At Vince's words, Martha turned slowly toward him, looking dead into his eyes as her scowl grew. "Oh I think you know Vince."She whispered in a voice so threatening even Nikki has been surprised,even though, he stayed silent and watched. At this point, no one had been truly certain of the outcome, everyone except for Tommy who'd been witness to this sort of interaction between these two many times in the past. Unfortunately, Vince was hardly ever the one to come out on top. "You think I changed all that much since school Vince? I'll fucking break your pretty boy ass in half exactly the same way I did then. Or did you somehow forget that the last time I saw you I broke your face?" Now she sounded deadly and Tom gulped as she got up in the singers face. He seemed pretty nervous too, as the memories of those moments had rushed back into view. Vince had not been one to back down and after showing weakness to her so many times before, he wasn't about to now. How dumb of him. Things started getting intense and the other boys were staring in anticipation of what was to come. Vince spoke once more, this time with so much confidence it snapped that thing that was holding Martha back. "Or what?" he asked again, accentuating each word with a shake of the head. "That's it."she thought and with that, she smiled something sinister before lifting her knee, shoving it upward with great force and hitting the nail right on the head, smashing directly into the goldmine between Vince's legs. Oh and how his face changed so fast. He groaned in pain and turned the other way, holding his nuts tightly between his hands. The boys burst out laughing, definitely expecting more of a punch in the face than a knee to the balls. But their laughs fell silent when she snapped her head in the other direction, first eyeing Tommy with a death glare. Because he'd known her for so long, Tommy was well aware of the dangers that came with pissing Martha off, things much more dangerous than having been hit in the dick. "Right, yes. Okay." he stammered and walked his way into the sound booth, smacking Vince's arm on the way. As he did, Mick got up and headed in the same direction, not needing any sort of effort wasted on him to get him to do his job. He had more respect than the others, and moreover, understanding. He wasn't a total bitch about things. Nikki stood up last, towering behind her as he smirked up a storm. "That was something else."He said, leaning in so close that she could feel him breath on her neck."What? You weren't expecting me to shut Vince the fuck up?" she asked through annoyance, not even looking at Nikki. "Not expecting you to stand up like that. Any other girl would be fleeing with tears in her eyes." He told her before letting out a chuckle that sent shivers up her spine. "I'm not just any other girl,Nikki. I'll fucking kill ya'll myself if I have to."she began, turning on her heel to face him. He was still hunched over and his hands were kicked behind his back. What a smug asshole, she thought to herself. She'd stepped onto her toes, pushing herself upward to be eyelevel with him."And that doesn't exclude your fine ass, Sixx. So put it in that booth immediately or I'll show what else I can do."Nikki, was shocked. He'd known Martha for a good two months now and in those months, she hadn't done much asserting. Whenever they'd done some stupid shit, Tom called and she'd only smile at Nikki which made that boy weak in the knees and he'd force everyone to up their game or he'd get pissed. But this time around, she'd made sure to put some authority over them. It was hot. And he couldn't quite get that last sentence out of his mind, "what else I can do.". He couldn't help but take in a sexual way, it was his nature. He couldn't quite help himself either, Martha had been the only girl that he's met that wasn't welcoming him with her vagina. She was hard and, even though welcoming, she had morals that were stronger than an iron trap. He was also taken back because this is the first time she'd ever reciprocated even and inkling of the constant flirting he through her way from the second she'd learned his name. Even though he wasn't quite sure what the intensity of his desires meant, he was quite sure that she'd been the hottest and most difficult of the bunch and for that reason, he felt himself being drawn to her even more. "Yes sir."He said, straightening his back out, bringing himself back to full height and putting that big distance between them once more. He stomped past her but he didn't stop staring her down until he was sure she couldn't walk any further without smacking himself into a wall.   
"I knew you'd fucking do it."Tom said, applauding as if she'd completed some dangerous and impossible feat. Well, she really kind of had. With four intoxicated, make up covered band members in the sound booth and Martha at the recording station, a lot more had gotten done that day than anyone anticipated. And ironically, they ended up having a lot of fun. Even if Vince had a set of bruised testicles and Nikki had the makings of a strange pining that he'd never really admit to himself. 

Once again, Tom found himself terribly interested in the history that Martha shared with Vince and Tommy. And after she'd alluded to basically physically fighting with Vince back in those days, that interest grew more now. She'd told him that questioning her about it wasn't the best of ideas since it was all during a certain time in her life that wasn't the greatest. But he thought he might take a chance, after all, the worst she could do was swear him about it. "Broke his face huh?" He mocks, hoping that his non serious tone won't earn him a death glare. "Oh yeah. We used to get into all sorts of trouble back then."she answered sounding very casual about it. Even though, from the sounds of it, Tom figured that it was anything but. And Martha knowing exactly that."Hm, yes.. Do elaborate."Tom forced an accent that was absolute garbage as he smirked at Martha. She'd started getting a little tired of always being asked these questions by Tom and more, she was really tired of having to tell him that she didn't want to speak about it." Ugh, alright."She gave in after staring for a few extra seconds."I met Tommy first, right?" 

And yes, she had met Tommy first. That same day when she'd leaned through her window with a cigarette clamped between her fingers, when he'd (very lamely) introduced himself. "I'm Tommy", he said and stepped closer with a hand out to shake, something Martha found rather strange. Even though, she was a lonely little girl and she needed a friend, so she took it. "You got another one of those?" He'd asked her, eyeing the smoking stick that was now dangling from her lips. She didn't hesitate and was handing him a cigarette in under a second. She'd even lit the thing for him. "Oh, I'm Martha by the way."She said, watching as he reveled in the smoke that entered his lungs. That there, was really the start of something special, because from that moment on, Martha and Tommy spent almost every second of their summer together. Martha had asked her mother if she could spend most of her day out, since she'd finally made a friend and her mind was basically rotting away just sitting and staring outside for hours. Of course, Kamala was so happy that her daughter was finally starting to show some signs of enthusiasm to their new life in Covina. For the next three months, Tommy and Martha grew inseparable. They did everything together. They went to the arcade together and got ice cream almost everyday, they'd go swimming and then chase each other all around the big bank that was near where Tommy lived. Most afternoons, they'd go to his house and he'd bang on the drums for a while, showing off everything he could for Martha. They'd go to the record store and Tommy would laugh when Martha drooled over Alex Van Halen. They'd gotten so attached so quickly that suddenly, in a town where Martha was a faceless noob, she become "that little girl who's always with Tommy."   
Martha remembered thinking about Tommy a lot, and how he'd managed to fill that space that was left dormant after leaving behind her friends in Indiana. And how nice he was to her. Even though he was a little crazy, he was the sweetest person she'd come across all her life. He'd become so caring and protective over her so fast it was as of they'd known each other forever. 

Due to her unfortunate luck, Martha already knew that when things started looking too good for her, something on the opposite side of the spectrum had to match that. And this time, it came in the form of a pale- blonde, barbie looking motherfucker, we've all come to know as Vince Neil, or Vince Wharton as he was in school. School had started and Martha's only confidence was in the firm hand that was placed on her back as Tommy led her though the halls of the crowded school. Nobody really seemed to care about her being there, exactly the way she wanted it. But there was only two people who'd become very interested in Martha's appearance. The first, another lifelong friend of Martha's, was a tall Mexican girl named Carmen Morales who'd she'd spotted hanging around the pool and the reocord store with another girl a few times before but never really spoke to, except for when Tommy talked with her a couple times. The second, as mentioned before, was Vince. And by God, he had the absolute opposite intentions to that of Carmen, who'd truly wanted to be friends with Martha who seemed like sweet person. Vince, he had always acted out in school. Anyway he could, he would. And to bully the new girl seemed like the perfect way to continue this streak of bad behaviour. Poor him. 

School had only started, but every time Vince spotted Martha with Tommy or with Carmen he just felt the little delinquent in him jump. Up until that point, anyone who messed with Vince was sure to never make that mistake again. He was really that boy, never to be messed with,but could mess with everyone else. And until that point, nobody dared stand up to him,but poor little Vincent was about to meet his match. The day he'd realized this was when he'd cornered Martha when she was on her own, taking a sip of water from one of the fountains. Before she could finish, he stepped right in front of her, shoving her out of the way. Luckily she'd caught herself instead of landing flat on her ass. Some people stared, knowing what was to come. Martha had already become aware of the kind of Vince and glared at him, not wanting him to believe that she was some weakling. She held the water tight in her mouth and stepped forward, wanting to push him out of the way. But he turned, and smirked at her, trying to hide the shock of the fact that she wouldn't back away. He stood over her, asserting his dominance. What he didn't expect was for the same smirk to spread across her face, as she stepped up to him. Murmurs could be heard from around as people waited to watch what was going to happen. She looked away from his face, craned her outward and before Vince could blink he felt an odd pressure in the middle of his shirt and then, it was soaking wet. There were gasps being let out, all over the hall as Vince looked down at Martha with a mixture of shock and disgust. She only looked up with pure amusement, before turning on her heel, still holding a firm smirk as she brought her fingers up to wipe the water away from her mouth. Some people gawked in awe and others cheered her on. "Oh, what the fuck are you looking at?" he yelled at no one I'm particular, aware of the eyes that were on him. "Yo, what fucking happened to you?"One of the boys who tailed him asked."That fucking bitch just-fuck."Vince groaned and stomped away, feeling fire in his veins. 

Now there many instances that were shared between then and the last two weeks of school. And as intense as their fued grew, is how greatly the friendship between Martha and Carmen grew. Between her and Tommy, they'd become Martha's best friends. In a year, she'd almost completely forgotten about her life in Indiana,and the people associated with it. She never wanted to do it in the first place, but every time she thought back to her last encounters with both Jeff and Will, she felt that broken thing inside of her ache and she didn't want to feel it anymore. So she pushed it away and soon, they'd become a distant memory in the back of her mind. 

The day she'd left school was in the middle of the schooling year, at age seventeen after she'd been hired full time as an assistant to man named Ed Royce who worked for Elektra Records. That day in question of Tom's mind, the day the "broken face" happened. Martha had ready expected to be pulled out of class that day by Ed himself. Even after long and strenuous conversations with her mother about the best decision, she'd stayed confident that working there was what she was meant to do. As she had been called for, the smile on her and Carmen's face was undeniable. She'd got her stuff at the speed of lightning ,"I'll see you on Saturday!" she told Carmen as she left, smiling at everyone who seemed just as glad for her as her best friend. All, but one. Vince sat in front with a grimace on his face, a reaction he'd grown accustomed to when ever Martha was in mention. She felt on top of the world in that moment and wouldn't allow a singular thing stop her. Her teacher was already growing frustrated as everyone stopped doing what they were meant to in order to greet the girl. "Everyone shut up. Martha, please get out-faster."she grumbled, tapping her pen against the table. Martha rolled her eyes, and on instinct, knowing for a fact that no teacher or any other authority could touch her anymore, she flipped the bird at the crude woman. The woman gasped loudly and the students into an uproar. "Don't look at me, bitch." she growled at Vince, who was about a second away from tripping her on her way to out. "I'll fucking do what I want." he grumbled. "Shut it." she grumbled back, before grabbing the back of his neck and pushing it downward, smacking his head square against the table. Without so much as a moment to revel, Martha was out the classroom and on her way to her future.

"Oh my God."Tom was taken aback. Maybe from the fact that Vince had not changed his bitchy tendencies or the fact that Martha was such a fighter. There at the work building, whenever anyone gave her shit, she'd just bite her tongue and look the other way. But she never showed that side with Mötley Crüe. And now, he finally understood why. "Aw yeah. And now that Vince is a grown ass man and slightly more irresponsible, it's bound to get worse."Marthat told Tom, turning up the volume for Mick's solo. She leaned over to the mic and clicked the button so that her voice could be projected into the sounded booth."Bitches-and Mick-may I please have your attention."  
They'd all turned and stared. "I'll be happy you inform you, that we are..."   
"...officially done for the day."


	7. Letter 7,Carmen Morales and Nikki Sixx

Letter 7,Carmen Morales and Nikki Sixx 

*Carmen Morales, my best friend, my other half, my partner in crime. I met her that year I started school with Tommy-when I was seventeen years old. The backbone I had no idea I needed until the day school started. We spoke before that occasionally, but it wasn't until she'd walked me home the one day that we really hit it off. And we'd were inseparable since. Literally. When Carmen had graduated in late '79, the two of us immediately started looking for a place to move in together. She'd found a job at diner that she'd work at for many years to come while I entertained the racist clowns at Elektra and through it all, we really had each other's backs. By January of 1980,we got a little apartment together. *

*From very early on, Carmen got stuck working night shift at the diner, since she'd also been treated like either a piece of ass or a piece of trash. And the manager couldn't quite get his hands on her so, the best revenge? Night shift. Her hours varied from year to year but it usually resulted in her coming home at-or after-five in the morning. And on some crazy nights, I'd return then as well. This, what was one of those nights. The same night when I'd seen Mötley Crüe for the first time. I had to tell her about it. And I had, the second I'd seen her.*

On most early mornings, Martha would've been asleep for at least a good two or three hours by the time Carmen had gotten home from work. But this time around, they'd both caught each other at the bottom of the stairs at nearly 5:30 in the morning. They'd greeted each other at the bottom of the staircase and walked hand in hand upward with sleep dragging eyes down. When they'd entered, Martha spoke first, asking Carmen how work had been. I'm reality she'd been so worked up to tell her what she'd seen that night, that she could hardly keep her tone down during the small talk. Something, as her best friend, Carmen could easily pick up on that. "So, how did last night go? Are the band as good as Tom says?" Carmen asked with a small smile while stirring away at a cup of coffee. Martha nearly shook in her seat as her teeth became visible. She opened her mouth and closed it immediately after, several times as she tried to form the right words to say. During that, her smile never faltered and Carmen could immediately tell that something good had happened. "Sounds like good shit, huh?" she asked and brought the mugs to the couch that Martha sat at. Martha a grabbed hold of her cup and moved so that Carmen could get comfortable next to her, so that she could unravel all that had happened in the last eight hours. Carmen had thrown her abused feet up and laid them across Martha's thighs, which looked almost red at the part where the skin bulged through the rips in her jeans. "So...".Martha started, being unable to keep the volume of her voice down. Carmen shook her head slowly, smiling widely as she waited for Martha to figure out how to say what she wanted to. "Oh my fuck, it's Tommy!" she practically yelled, her hands shaking Carmen's shins. Carmen's expression changed quickly, first her eyes narrowed and then they widened extra big. Then she shook her head slowly, letting her lips curl up into a confused smile."Tommy? Like-Tommy, Tommy? As in-our Tommy?" She asked, as if they knew any other Tommy. And if they had, none was as important,or stood out most. To Martha, as a close friend who expertly pulled her out of a downward spiral of despair and kept her happy for the entirety of her last year in high school and to Carmen? Well, a brain-dibilatating crush that lasted all of four years. She shivers at the thought, thinking about the last time she'd seen him. "Yes Tommy, like-our Tommy! God, he's on the drums,and shit. If you thought he was good before-" Martha joyfully exclaimed, still tapping on Carmen's legs. Their coffees had been long forgotten as they spoke. "That-I can't believe that. What are the odds?" Carmen said, genuinely shocked by this fact. "I know ri-Oh.Oh! Carmen that isn't even the best part!"Martha shouted this time, with a more disgusted face on, nevertheless-still surprised. Carmen leaned in, the gleam in her eyes intensifying as her expression flattened and she listened."Guess who their fucking singer is." "Who?"   
"Fucking Vince!" Once again, Martha's voice grew in volume and she feigned exasperation. And once again, Carmen took a few seconds to run through her thoughts before commenting. "Vince? Like... Barbie Vince?" She questioned, holding a childish amusement in her softened voice that was waiting for confirmation, so that she too, could riot in her feelings. "Fuck yes, Barbie Vince." and with that, the two of them laughed until they could no longer breathe. The memories of their final high-school year came rushing back in a big blur of excitement. "Fuck-if you think Vince was a fucking barbie before, you should his ass now. All dolled up in white leather and pink lipstick. God, and his hair! It was so-white."And then they laughed some more. To Carmen, it was almost unbelieveable that someone that was so important in the life of, both hers and Martha's ended up in a band with the one guy who made high-school hell for one of them. They continued on for only a half hour more, being unable to keep themselves conscious any longer. Martha told Carmen how great they were, how they literally blew her mind. Carmen couldn't quite believe that Vince could sing at all, let alone lead a band that seemed to be taking over things. Either way, after a few more laughs and a few more moments of reminiscing, the girls had made their way to their bedrooms to finally catch some sleep they'd both so desperately needed. 

Martha stirred around in her bed, knowing that she had a full day ahead of her. Well, considering the day that her day starts at four in the afternoon. She had awoken around twelve in the afternoon, knowing full well that Tom was on his way to pick her up. The night before was-to be quite frank-a big blur. They'd introduced themselves, there'd been a little catching up and then the boys played. And while that was something that stuck out like a sore thumb to Martha, she couldn't quite bring herself to remember much after that. She remembered Tommy being so excited to see her and they'd sat next to each other the entire night but she couldn't quite remember what they'd been talking about. Especially whatever Mick had said. (Although Martha had not known that this was his name yet, as she was still to learn his and Nikki's name.) But one thing she couldn't quite get over was the constant feeling of someone burning holes into her skull. And every time she turned to see who it was, he made no effort to hide his shameful staring. In fact, he stared harder. It had been the bassist, whose name she swore she caught them throwing around at some point, but couldn't bring herself to recall. Well, whatever his name is, his face had grown increasingly insistent in her mind since the night before. Well, all of his face that had been visible to her. He had jet black hair that fell in long bangs over his eyes, his cheeks caked with face powder and blush and the most defining feature were the two thick, charcoal lines across his cheekbones. His voice also stood out, loud and confident. He spoke with so much enthusiasm, his teeth and tongue sticking out with every debasing sentence that fell from his mouth. And once again, Martha found herself deeply engaged in the way he'd acted around everyone. The giant spiked shoulder pad that he'd used moved with his shoulder with every laugh. Everything 

"Hey, where the fuck is your head?" Tom questioned, clicking his finger in front of Martha whose stare drifted off into the distance. They were sitting at some bar with a fancy Spanish name that she couldn't care to remember, with Tom as they'd waited for the boys to haul their asses into the building. Tom's plan was to treat them with all the kindness (and bribery) that he and Elektra could muster. Martha wasn't into all of the fancy stuff, she didn't like putting on a facade either. But she knew that her opinion was biased because out of the entire Elektra crew, she'd been treated the worst. So she wouldn't say anything about it. They'd have to find out themselves in the years to come. When the boys had come in, chaos erupted. The bar was strewn with strippers,hookers, drugs, alcohol all things that Martha hated. And what she'd hated more was the fact that she hadn't brought her hoodie so she could pull it closed over her head. But she'd been content with what she had on otherwise, a pair of jean shorts that were not the shortest, paired with an ACDC shirt that had purposeful rips around the chest area. The shirt was black so transparency hadn't been an issue but it had been cut into a tank top so once again, her arms and neck had been exposed in their tattooed glory. There had been one person who noticed the most, the person who'd had his green eyes set on her since the previous night. Nikki Sixx. 

At first he'd stared at them with awe but once he really got to looking, he'd noticed that her tattoos were rather odd. On her right arm, she had three solid bands around the bend of her elbow and underneath, the word "Riot" in sharp and jagged writing. On the other arm was a large matchstick that had been drawn in the shape of a womans body, posing naked across the ground with fire burning along it. There were a lot of other strange ones that he couldn't help but fixate on but when you stare that hard at someone, they notice. Martha snapped her head to glare at him, her eyes in thin slits as she eyed him up and down. Now, everyone had been busy doing their own thing, indulging in the sin that surrounded them and Martha had done the most minimilastic of interactions. Nikki was eager to hear her voice properly, and most importantly , to find out how he could get in her pants. "You've been staring all night."Shed spoken, still holding the same stern look in her eyes even though her tone seemed more whimsical, as though she had been entertaining him if anything. He smirked, the first of many times that would have Martha's heart pounding."Oh, I can't help it."He flirted, his hand shooting to her knee. She almost jolted forward, but she stayed calm even though her eyes had given her away. His fingers clamped around her knee as his smirk grew cockier and cockier, so she let him believe that he was actually doing something there. She turned to her side and pushed herself upward. "So, uh-what do they call you then, bassist?" She questioned, her tone suddenly as brash as his but more imposing because of her low voice. "Nikki."He said, his smirk now turning into a full on smile. They're closeness had momentarily caught the attention of both Tommy and Tom, but none would say anything."Yeah? Nikki. Nikki what?" The "what" was louder, challenging. Everything about her told him Nikki that she didn't give a shit about all the stuff on the outside. And she sure as hell didn't give a shit about the hand that seemed to be moving upward, getting tighter and tighter in its ascent. "Sixx." he said through gritted teeth, which in all honesty, was the sexiest thing Martha had seen in a a long time. Not that she'd cared to admit this or anything. "Nikki Sixx? Yeah-" she started with sarcasm full in her voice. "Like the surfer?" She witted and this time Nikki's face dropped. Even Tommy snickered at the remark, which in all its technicality was true. Nikki had practically stolen the name from a surfer who went by Nikki Syxx. He'd saw him in the newspaper or on the TV and thought it sounded sick. He never counted on anyone in the rock scene to ever have any knowledge of this. And yet, there Marth was, grinning from ear to ear, knowing full well she'd caught the man out. As she turned away to revel in jeers sent their way as well as striking up a conversation with Mick, she'd nudged her entire leg in the opposite direction, leaving Nikki's to dangle under the table for a few seconds. What?

Call it what you will, maybe it was the way she'd dressed or the way she'd spoken but Nikki was almost entranced by her for the night. He, was dead set on the fact that it had just been his primal instinct. By then,he'd become accustomed to chicks throwing themselves at him left, right and center. And for someone to basically pay him little to no attention while simiultaneously making it as though he were nothing? It was unheard of. She's playing hard to get, of course. The only reasonable explanation as to why she hadn't invited him back home yet, right? But he couldn't quite muster up an excuse when he thought about why he hadn't made a move on her yet. After all, what could he possible be afraid of? But that was the thing about Nikki, and Martha was sure to tell him this in the near future, is that he always really needed someone. But when he started developing even the slightest of feelings for someone who could possibly fulful this need, his immediate reaction was to either forget about it, or make sure he fucked up hard enough to make it want to leave him forever. At this point, Nikki was ignorant of the feelings he'd been fostering for the young girl. So unaware that, he even made the point of her age as a factor that was keeping him from; "Rearranging her insides",as he'd put it once. And yes, it may have been true enough, that Martha was an entire five years younger than Nikki but who was he kidding? He didn't give a fuck. She'd be nineteen soon, a practical grown woman. Yet, he made all these excuses,because of there'd one thing about Nikki Sixx, it's he doesn't do feelings. Completely unaware that Martha too, did not do feelings.

~

While this may have been the case between the two, that didn't stop the gradual closeness that would grow between them while recording Too Fast For Love . Nobody around could quite understand it, being around Mötley Crüe was like being in a house on fire with no way out. They lived and breathed utter madness so naturally, they'd piss off so many people. But they acted in a different kind of madness around Martha. They'd tease and ridicule and even sometimes smack her ass but they'd all developed this image of her being their baby. Even Vince, who (after a lot more than just a knee to his dick) was completely at a loss for thought when he'd wracked his brain trying to figure out the actual reason for his behavior in his school. Spoiler alert, there was none. Though they wanted nothing but to treat her like said baby, it would hurt the image too hard so they'd have to always associate treating her nicely with something else like, flirting or wanting something from her. Though she knew, deep down they'd cared. Mick especially, who'd so often call her "sweetheart", that it basically became her name. But-and there is always a "but" - there was Nikki. As as mentioned, they'd grown stupendously close in the few months they'd known each other. Yes, it was no denying these boys were the literal causes of all stress in her life, she also began to care dearly for them,but what she began feeling for Nikki was something different. Something warm and fuzzy. Something-she fucking hated. God, every time she looked at him she felt her heart go wild or her knees feel like they'd give out. Even when he was acting like a total idiot, even when he was so fucked up on coke that he'd passed out for most of the day. Even when-even when-even when. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" She asked Carmen countless times, taking a look at Nikki and grumbling at how displeasing he truly is to anyone of the normal outside world where drugs and alcohol was not seen as this luxury as sign of success but a thing that had taken over lives and ultimately destroyed them. Nevertheless, there they were. In bright red letters with fluttering eyelashes all around. Martha was falling for Nikki and she couldn't understand why or how. She hated it and she hated him. Because (as good friends as they were) he was crazy. Out of all four of them, he'd struck her as the biggest screwball of all,and that thought had only been further reiterated by the facts he'd shared about his mother and why he'd changed his name. It was all there, right in front of her. But how the fuck do you control what you want when your heart is tugging. And Martha, growing up in the world of insecurity that she did, she'd never had the time to let herself truly feel things. But now she had nothing that had been stopping her. She couldn't distract herself by drowning in work since he's such a big part of it and when she isn't there, she's either at some bar with the boys or at home rambling about Nikki. It was already a mess that she intended to fix.

Unfortunately, just as Martha had devised a new schedule for herself a f certain habits that would result in her seeing Nikki a whole lot less, Tommy had an itching in his pants to tell Martha something. Nikki had just walked away, leaving with a shit eating grin and Martha with hot blood in her cheeks. "You like him."Tommy blankly states, staring at the wall as if he hadn't just spoken at Martha specifically."Tommy,what?" Martha gawked at him with big eyes, not from shock but from embarrassment. "Oh come on, and don't even try to fucking tell me otherwise. Marty, I know you too well. You think I wasn't gonna fucking see it or what?" Tommy teased, this time turning toward her a smile. "Ugh, fuck off Tommy. You have no clue what you're talking about."She defended, even though she knew how much bullshit she'd been spitting."Ooh-you're so defensive! See? I fuckin' knew it."Tommy whispered, wiggling his eyebrows as he continued to tease Martha. "No! It's because you're accusing me of somehow being interested in that dumbass over there. Please Tommy, I have standards and morals." What a piece of shit. "Yeah, okay."he said but he wasn't convinced and for good reason too. Tommy had known Martha for a good four years now and he knew exactly how she'd reacted whnever she liked someone. She just want willing to admit it yet. Wanting to break the ice, Tommy leaned in for another question, this time,louder so that everyone could hear. "Soooo-" he began, dragging out the "o". "What are you we doing for the little whores birthday?" he questioned to the general surroundings and quickly he'd caught the attention of the other band members. Some more enthusiastic than others. "Tommy, there's a week left-" she'd started, hoping he'd stop making a big deal about it. "A week? You're telling me that's supposed to be long or some shit?" Nikki commented, scoffing as though she'd said some godawful thing. Vince walked closer and leaned behind the chair she'd been sat in. "Guys, I'm probably not going to do anything."she admitted, knowing she's never really celebrated her birthday before."Uh-uh."Vince tutted."This is your first birthday with us, might as well count it as your first birthday ever because we're not gonna fucking leave you alone."He'd continued smiling brightly as though he'd genuinely cared. Which, he did. But Martha didn't know that then."Fuck-you rats are obnoxious about everything!" she grumbled, trying to hide the smirk that was growing on her lips. "When's you're brithday anyways?" Nikki had asked, standing afar but making sure to leave wink after the sentence. (Cue the butterflies). "Twenty third, Spetemebr." Ah yes, Twenty third of September of 1982 would go down in history, a night that entailed something special that Martha would never have expected.


	8. Letter 8,The Drawing

Letter 8,the drawing

"After a certain point, what I'd felt became obvious to Tommy. And he became a true pest about it. I don't get why he couldn't just leave me alone about it all. But I guess, as a best friend, you'd be interested in things like that. What can I say? He knew me better than I thought."

-  
"Man, fuck off!" Martha playfully shouted, smacking Tommy on the arm. They'd been at some bar again, and as the early morning started to creep in, Martha became bored. So she did the only thing she knew she could, where she'd be totally left alone. Draw.   
It wasn't much a secret that she'd loved art and it certainly wasn't a secret that she was very good at it. Well, to Tommy and Vince anyways. So she'd brought her pencils and her paper and she found a relatively clean booth in the back, she'd curled up into a little ball and held the book against her lap. Anyone who saw her gave her the squinted eye, well if they were sober enough to notice her not getting so shit faced she couldn't speak properly. 

When Tommy came to check on her, worried why he hadn't heard from her all night, he had been slightly relieved to see her curled up, with her nose between some pages. He smiled before he stalked over to her, slumping down on the seat when he'd reached. Martha hadn't immediately seen who had sat down but she forced herself to look up when she caught a wiff of the boy, who'd stank of smoke, alcohol and sweat. Not the most flattering of smells if she were being honest. "What you got there?" he asked, reaching his hand over to clutch the paper. But she pulled it away as fast as lightning, holding it far on the other side of her head. "Jesus Marty, you know I've seen your drawings before. You don't have to like, freak out."he commented, laughing at her childish behaviour. But she did freak out, because she had a reason to, because of what she was drawing. Or more specifically, _who_. 

Martha hadn't done it intentionally, she was just paying a lot of attention. She wanted to draw strangers, anyone she'd seen around her. But when she looked up and saw Tommy and Nikki running around, flipping tables over, she kind of just did it without thinking. It started with a light outline of what seemed to be an oval and then the hair and the eyes and then there he was, Nikki. It was such a blatant expression of what she'd been thinking about constantly for the last month, that even she had to stop for second and sigh at herself. After all those endless conversations with Carmen about what's going on in her mind and the constant defence she had to put up whenever Tommy called her out, she knew what she really felt. And it sucked. 

Martha had been forced to grow up pretty quickly in some aspects, due her illness that almost left her for dead or the fact that every time things started to get comfortable, she'd have to move. Then there were the things she'd stayed completely off path of, and umfortunately, she'd become horribly innocent in the ways of relationships. Sure, there was her first kiss with Jeff about five years earlier and yes, she'd had one boyfriend, Bones (and she had no idea why anyone called him this). But she'd never graduated from the awkward stage of, "okay, so what do we do now?" where she'd still asked permission if she could hold his hand or if she could get a hug. Bones had been three years older than her and he probably got tired of babying her. So now, when her heart had been sent into overdrive by the least likely person,Martha's denial had become her best friend. "Nikki? Are you crazy? Look at him!" she'd yell in Tommy's voice, knowing full well that it was all bullshit. She even had herself convinced of the fact for a very short time. That there was no in hell that she could ever fall for someone like Nikki Sixx. Disgusting. 

And now Tommy, as curious and fidgety as a puppy, couldn't help himself and he just had to snatch the little paper from her hands. Then it was over. For the last couple weeks, she'd denied anything she'd felt for Nikki but she couldn't hide it anymore. Not when it had become as apparent as this. Tommy snickered before he gave her the drawing back, which she slipped between her book, hoping to not see it again.

~

It was the twenty second of September, 1982, and Tommy Lee had been frantically running around a mall trying to find the perfect birthday present for Martha who'd be nineteen in a just under twelve hours. He brought Mick with hime in hopes that older man would be of some assistance but Mick, who hadn't really spoken with Martha as much as the other boys, did not know her well enough to make any comments that would be of use. So he just trailed around the long legged boy until Tommy had decided that he was happy with what he got her.

Tommy was aware that Martha was the most appreciative person when it came to her britdhay. Because she valued life just a little more than most people he'd known, and that was almost completely owed to the fact that she'd come so close to death so many times in her life already that she had nothing but hope that she'd make it just one more year. And when she did, she'd thank God that she was somehow still breathing, getting to live out the life she deserved. So now, when he'd been looking for a present for her in the set store, he couldn't help but think back to the day they'd sat on her roof while she explained exactly how bad she was when she got sick. How skinny she'd gotten and how she'd lost almost all her hair, the real reason she always kept it short. She told him about her goal, to make it to nineteen. Because if she did then she'd know she'd be alright, even if she were to die after that. Now, that time came, she'd be turning nineteen and it was special, so he wanted to do something special. 

Tommy, however, was very oblivious to the fact that he was not the only one who's been planning something special for her birthday. Nikki, who was in the studio, sat and stared into the corner. He'd been sitting so still that the only reason anyone didn't assume he'd been dead was because he blinked. Of course, he was high as hell,so no one really questioned it. They just went about they're business as if Nikki hadn't been sitting in the lost sinister way that he looked as though he'd been planning a murder. But what was he really planning? To act on something he'd been wanting to in the past six months.


	9. Letter 9,Nikki's Surprise

*Chapter 9,Nikki's surprise for Martha*

*Now, I don't know how to tell the next part without being totally honest with you. So I'll warn you now, there's some "activities" that happened between Nikki and I that, maybe, you might find, I don't know-gross or something. But if you absolutely don't care, whatsoever or, if you're truly curious to know. You can continue reading. Don't worry, there's nothing to graphic here, I'm not writing porn to my daughter but you should know... This happened the morning I turned nineteen. I was really excited because when I was fifteen years old, and sick as a dog, I never thought I'd grow past seventeen. Pretty sad right ? So, every birthday I had after my seventeenth felt so unreal. It felt so good. It marked another year of me being better. But nineteen was the most important because when I was younger, fourteen I think, one of my cousins just turned nineteen and she looked great. She was tall and beautiful and I looked at her and thought, "I'm never going to live to nineteen. I'm never going to know what it feels like to be that old." So when my time came, I never felt more accomplished. *

*I stayed up pretty late that night. And Nikki came over. I wasn't really expecting anyone, definitely not him. He just showed up and just entered my apartment. Like he didn't knock or anything. I didn't realise what the night would bring once he entered my house. But...*

Martha stared directly at the clock as it struck midnight. And as the the hands on the circular object ticked, she smiled shyly to herself. "Happy Birthday to me."she whispered out, pushing her hand through her hair. She hadn't any plans, nothing special in mind but the idea of being nineteen was something surreal to her. She never thought she'd make it past seventeen if she really looked back on her years. But being nineteen, having a job, an apartment and some truly great friends to call hers really said something about her life. Now, she had no intention of sleeping. The boys kept her up until five in the morning so naturally, she woke up pretty later and as such, a new sleep cycle had began. Like her nocturnal friends, sleep seemed like something she should worry about when she'd actually been tired which so happened to be during the day. Thats what you get for working with rockstars. She didn't expect anyone to call or come by, Carmen is working night shift, the hours where the work phone had been off limits and Tommy was probably too neck deep someone's daughter to immediately call. He could have, but he knew that Martha preferred if he finished up his endeavors. She settled for a nice cup of hot cocoa and a candy bar she'd been looking forward to for about three days. Nice way to start off her birthday. She killed some time by ridiculously dancing around in just some underwear and a very big shirt she'd acquired from her uncle back in Indiana. Being so caught up in her own little thing, she hadn't noticed the time at all. Jamming her hardest to some Van Halen and drawing up a storm, she almost didn't even realise that her front door had been opened. She looked down at her paper with a playful smile, bobbing her head to music. The music was quite loud, but not so loud that it drowned out all sounds around her. So when she heard the heavy steps of boots move past her kitchen, her head shot up. She surprised herself really. Who else wouldn't immediately panic when hearing someone walking in their house which is almost always empty? Apprently she did, and when she looked up, her heart only became lighter. It was Nikki in all his shiny, spikes and leather glory, standing over the couch with a bright smile. He hadn't been completely dressed up to the T like he usually would. No make up, no ridiculously high heels. But, his leather jacket and pants definitely says a lot about where he's been that night. "Nikki."She sings, happy that the man had come. Martha always found herself a little giddy around him, especially when it was just the two of them." What are you doing here at-"she began, stopping in her sentence to check the time. It was only then she'd realized the two hours the flew past as the clock said two. She stared at it with wide eyes and Nikki laughed her childishness. He began to walk further into the lounge, sitting himself next to her on the floor. "Happy birthday."he whispered to her and was surprised to see how stunned she'd been by that. Her eyes twinkled and her mouth lay slightly agaped. She mumbled with her words at first before finally sputtering out,"wait-you remembered?" Nikki played it off pretty casually, as if her reaction didn't make him want to just giggle. "Pfft, yeah. What do ya' think of me?" She laughed at him and dropped her drawing to the side. Nikki immediately noticed her clothes, or, lack thereof. "Fucking keep it in check Sixx, that isn't what you came here for." He reminded himself,very unlike Nikki indeed, denying himself like that. But he knew of Martha's inexperienced background and he wasn't about to fuck something like that up. He cared for Martha. The two of them spoke for a while after that, Nikki doing most of the talking. "I bet I was the first." He joked but he didn't really expect Martha to confirm that. "Yeah you were the first one. Tommy is probably busy and Carmen isnt allowed to use the work phone during vamp shift. But you came all the way to my apartment. You might as well be the first one." She told him and he laughed, "Hey, you were very awake."Martha wanted to retort but she'd been slightly taken back by his sudden seriousness. His smile disappeared and his back straightened up. Martha became very aware of his presence over her as he moved in closer to her, his hand that had been thrown behind her on the couch, moved down in the slightest but she felt his fingers gently tap at her neck. Her breathing picked up and she wondered what he could possibly be thinking in that second that he became so incredibly intense. "I have something for you." He whispered. Now Martha knew how close he'd been because she felt his breath on her cheeks. She ogled at him through shiny eyes and tried not to look too excited. She turned a little onto her side, relying on her right thigh to hold her up. She wanted to ask him something, something to break this rather crazy build up. The air around changed to something she couldn't quite pin. She became hyper-aware of all of his features and exactly where everything was. How his hands finally pressed firmly at the back of her neck and his other hand had been placed on the floor, very close to her knee. She could almost feel it and she wished he would have just moved up a few centimeters. Woah, where in the hell did that come from? She thought to herself , she really isn't one to be needy or anything. But hey, Nikki wasn't anything usual either. She just didn't like to acknowledge the fact that he did make her feel things, physical and emotional. Nikki broke this act, he smirked and winked at her throwing her for a loop but before she could even question him he dropped his head to be level with hers, almost immediately locking lips with her. Martha was shocked, to say the absolute least. Her eyes went wide and her head moved backward, unable to comprehend the situation. Nikki moved with her, and just as she'd hoped, his left hand had finally lifted off of the carpet and onto her bare thigh,squeezing at it. Once she actually processed the whole thing she sighed against him, bringing her small hands up to rest on his face and slowly they made their way into his hair. Martha had been kissed before, obviously. Enough to know how kissing worked, enough to know how blissful it could feel. But this, this was otherworldly. Nikki, who she expected to have rougher lips, was unlike anything she ever wondered. Yes, her painstaking crush had her wondering what kissing him would feel like a little too much for comfort. But never in her wildest dreams did she imagine anything as dreamy as this. Before she knew it, Nikki was moving again, forward. Her hands grabbed hard at his neck, while his other hand came to grab at her waist. Martha may have been inexperienced, but she wasn't stupid and she was pretty sure she knew what Nikki wanted her to do in that moment. She brought her legs up and he moved to his knees and then to his feet. Nikki pulled her up with him and soon her legs were wrapped tightly around his waist. Oh this isn't going how he wanted at all, it got very heated very quickly. But he found himself unable to pull away. Her lips had become the ultimate definition of irresistible in the last few seconds and the feeling of her fingers grazing over her scalp had him struggling to hold back noises bubbling in his throat. The fact that she'd gone pantless was also something that constantly stayed amid his many wild thoughts, as his hands gripped at the underside of her thighs. Her bare skin against his rough fingers were putting his thoughts into overdrive. She pulled away for a split second, even though she looked quite shocked, she still smiled. "Nikki what are you do-" He cut her off, his lips coming back to hers. She made noise but gave in. She leaned forward and pulled at his hair and his hands shifted backward until he felt the line of her underwear against his palms. Martha was notoriously short, and her body parts were small. She was practically a midget next to Nikki. Something that, in any other position, would be adorable. But in this case, made moving around easy for Nikki. "I've thinking about this for a long time."He stammered between the kisses. Martha couldn't quite believe what she just heard. She pulled away and this time looked right into Nikki's eyes. "Me?" she asked like a toddler and once again, Nikki giggled. "Oh, you have no idea." This time he said each word after a kiss planted on various parts of her neck, to which she threw her head back in response. He liked seeing her like this. Every little thing he did got the biggest reaction out of her. Something kind of different.

Any thought he had of not taking this far had left his brain and all Nikki wanted to do was take it to her room. Fuck, even the couch worked. But he couldn't bring himself to just, outright ask her. Very unusual to the true Nikki Sixx style. His mouth had latched onto a spot underneath her earlobe and he turned on his heel, making his way into her room. Her hands had settled atop his shoulders and her nails were gently digging into his jacket. When they entered the bedroom, he leaned over onto the bed, while Martha still clung to him. His lips moved around her neck and collar bone, making sure he left a mark somewhere and his hands, ever so restless, moved past her shirt and momentarily planted it against her ribcage. He could tell she'd never been touched like that before. Everywhere his hand moved, her face changed for a few seconds in reaction to having these things done to her. She held her breath, focusing on his finger placement and how his index and middle had been so, agonizingly close to her breast and she couldn't help but wrack her brain to figure out how to react if he did move them upward. After a few more moments, Nikki brought his head back up and plastered many, sweet little kisses across her face. His hand, as she had expected, wouldn't stay put and moved downward, stopping dead at the hem of her underwear and she gasped a little louder than she would have liked. His lips stopped their motions and he pushed himself up, looking her dead in the eyes. "Do you want me to stop?" He whispered through a shaky breath. How funny, she thought, the same rough and reckless Nikki was being all sweet and soft and caring. Not that he hasn't been sweet before but this was definitely a new experience. Her voice got caught in her throat and she could hear her own heartbeat. But that wasn't her body telling her "no". If anything, she wanted to smack Nikki's shoulder and tell him that's he's asked a dumb question. But she's also never gotten this far with anyone ever in her life. And now, air thick and sweat all over her body with Nikki pressed firmly between her legs with his fingers tantalizing close. "God, Sixx. You can't start all this and think I'm going to say no ." She joked, her breath shaky too. Her fingers tangled with his on his free hand and brought it up to her mouth, kissing at his knuckles. His head dropped forward and he let out a low groan. Finally, his fingers moved past the fabric of her underwear, and Martha shut her eyes as hard as possible.

There was something undeniably extraordinary about that night. Something Nikki never thought he'd feel in a long time. Even as Martha fell asleep in his arms,his mind replayed the moments where he held her hands a top her head,their fingers tightly entertwined while she tried not to lose composure, or the way she whined out his name. Her face was what stuck the most, all scrunched up and lost in the feeling. She bit her lip regularly and kept her eyes closed for the most time. He knew he couldn't soon forget the wonders he'd seen that night of a shy and soft girl who'd given herself to him. He thought he ought to feel guilty about it. All things considered he never really asked if she ever wanted this with him. But he didn't. If anything he was a little delighted. Delighted that she trusted him enough for that. Not only that, but as true to his boysih nature as possible, he couldn't get over the feeling. How it felt in that moment with Martha. It wasn't like he'd felt with the masses of groupies, hookers or even overly experienced girlfriends. She wasn't over the top, crazy. But she and her body were out of this world and Nikki, knew that he'd started something. Whether is was for good or bad, he couldn't quite tell yet. For now though, he'd revel in the fact that this is where the night had taken them. Martha is a special girl and if anything she deserved to be treated as such. Even by someone as insanely fucked as him. Oh, obvlibous Nikki wouldn't know that truth behind her willingness until many years later but at that exact moment, the only real thing he was aware of was that he'd been allowed into something pretty damn special. Soon enough, after looking over at her face past her unclad shoulder for a while, Nikki felt his eyelids become heavier and found himself unable to stay awake much longer. He knew that it had been pretty late, or early, since the sky started to brighten up. He laid his head in the gap between her shoulder and neck and threw his hand around her waist. Within seconds, he was sound asleep.

Martha had no intention of moving. She hadn't even been conscious enough to make that decision, but when her house phone began ringing loudly through her apartment, her head snapped up. When she opened her eyes, her eyelids felt weighed down and certain parts of her body were sore. She didn't want to move for shit. But when the ringing didn't stop, she knew it was important. The thought of it still being her birthday was completely erased from her mind,so she didn't even assume it was any of her friends. Before she even thought about leaving her bed, she looked back at Nikki who was still deep in sleep and smiled. Martha didn't immediately recollect the previous night and only thought about it once she slid out of the bed, wearing nothing but her underwear. Fuck. She found her shirt lying on the floor and quickly threw it on on her way to phone placed on the kitchen counter. "Hello?" she said, followed by a very audible yawn. "Uh, hey beautiful."Carmen said, and Martha smiled."Happy birthday." She said, and suddenly Martha felt very awake. "Oh fuck, yeah it's my birthday."Martha commented which earned a raised eyebrow from Carmen."Marty, did you just wake up?" Carmen questioned, realising how unlikely it is for Martha to ever sleep in. "Yeah dude. I had a-late night."She awkwardly excused, not knowing exactly what to say to her best friend."Well, anyway. My shifts over, I'll be there in ten, yeah? You think you can do a little waking up in the mean time?" Martha laughed before responding, "Come on, how late is it anyways?"  
Carmen immediately answered, "Martha, it's twelve thirty."To which Martha's eyes grew." What?" The latest she ever woke up was probably around eleven, and that's only on the days when the just boys kept her up otherwise, she was a super early bird. Carmen could feel the shyness in her friends voice and was eager to get over to her apartment to find out exactly what she wasn't telling he river the phone. "Listen, that's okay. I'm leaving now , I'll see you in a couple minutes." They both exchanged their goodbyes and as soon as she heard the line go dead, she rushed back to her room and unsurprisingly, Nikki was dead asleep. She stopped and stared for a few minutes, unable to contain the excitement she felt in stomach as all the thoughts of the night before came back into full memory. But, as Martha usually did, she calmed herself down and went over to her bed. She laid her fingers across Nikki's shoulder, wanting to shake him a little in order to wake him but quickly got distracted by the red, streaky marks that ran all the way over to his back. She didn't instantly think that she'd done it and was soon questioning how she missed it the night before. If only she knew. She shook her head away from that and went back to the epic task that was waking Nikki up. "Nikki, Nikki. Hey, Nikki. Come on, get up."She shook him by thr shoulder and whispered. He didn't move an inch." Oh come on Sixx, don't do this to me now. Wake up. " She pushed him a little harder and spoke a bit louder. This time he stirred. So she continued to push, calling his name until his eyes shot open. "Oh great, you're awake. Can you like-get the fuck up?" she asked, her tone rushed. It made Nikki nervous. "Hm? What-" he wasn't completely sure what was happening. "Nikki, Carmen is coming over now. I need you to get up."she told him and he felt more awake." Oh fuck, uhm, do you want me to leave? "He questioned, and he was so nonchalant about it, that Martha was actually slightly confused. "What? No, you can totally stay. I just need you to not be in my bed...naked."She told him and laughed at her."Hey, I'm serious. Come on, make yourself look as though you slept on the couch at least." Martha willed, hoping his sleepiness doesn't betray her. "Oh, I see how it is." He told her,sitting up. His voice still groggy. He looked the other way and crossed his arms over his chest like a baby. Martha sighed heavily and slouched her shoulders before crawling onto the bed, next to him. She leaned her chin against him,"Oh come on. That's not what I meant. I'm just saying, she's my best friend. I gotta tell her first."she explained and poked him at his side. Nikki tried not to smile at her. Instead her stared at her with amused eyes before standing up. He sauntered out the room like the real drama queen he really was,but to make sure she hadn't take him seriously he winked at her and her heartbeat picked up again. "Goddamn that boy."Marth whispered to herself, mentally talking note of the same red marks along his back. She looked down at her own nails and noticed the size of them and how sharp they were. She'd even scratched herself to feel if there was anyway she could have done that. But then again, there was nothing willing her to scratch herself hard enough. She knew she did it.

Carmen hadn't been exaggerating. Martha knew exactly how far the coffee shop she worked at was and how long it would take for her best friend to arrive. Martha had only finished making up her bed, which was in the most unruliest mess of tangles she's ever seen it in,when Carmen knocked. Martha darted to the front door, hoping that nothing about her outward appreance was a complete giveaway to what she'd been up to a few hours prior. But Carmen was also very smart and already picked up that something just have happened. "Hey you!" Carmen squealed and grabbed at Martha. Martha smiled lovingly and welcomed her friends embrace. They stood there for a few seconds before Carmen silently reached into her back pocket of her work dress and pulled out a mixtape. Martha smiled excitedly and took it, glad that Carmen kept their birthday tradition. Carmen walked in, taking her apron off and tossing it on the sofa. "How was work?" Martha asked, walking over to her stereo to put the the small cassette in. "Boring as a bitch. Not a single soul came to the shop between three and five. Two hours and my ass was alone!" She shouted, big hand gestures being thrown left and right. Martha sent a fake frown in friends direction but was unable to hold down her smile when the first song on the mixtape started playing. Runnin' With The Devil, Van Halen. If anyone knew Martha, they knew how absolutely weak she'd been for Van Halen. "Some early dose of your favourite whore, David Lee Roth. Ah-you're welcome." Carmen dramatized, bowing enthusiastically. "David Lee Roth? I thought it was me." A voice came from the passageway that lead to the bedrooms. Both Carmen and Martha looked up with the same stunned look on their face,but slowly it changed. Carmen seemed to get more confused as she looked at him and his lack of clothing. Martha's expression turned to one of amusement. "Oh, Nikki, you're here." she stated, trying to make sense of his current placement. And his clothes. Which he was not wearing. Just pair of blue boxers and a black tank top. Carmen straightened up on the couch and watched Martha and Nikki look at each other the way children might when they've something they were sure they weren't meant to. Carmen started putting two and two together, even if they seemed pretty unlikely. "Yeah, I came last night."He spoke softly as he walked back to the couch. Martha still sat on the floor in front of the stereo with her legs crossed in front of her and her back to them. Carmed looked closely at Nikki once he sat himself down next to her. Now, if Martha spotted the marks she'd made on him from afar without her glasses on, imagine how quickly Carmen (who had perfectly good eyesight) spotted them. Her eyes widened for a second. "Marty, I need coffee."She said hastily, already heading for thr kitchen."Okay? You know where the coffee is." Martha said, looking at her friend with knitted eyebrows. "Come here you bitch."Carmen whispered and Martha quickly got up to see what it was her friend needed to tell her. The entire time that Nikki sat there silently, all the hairs on Martha's neck stood. It's like she could feel his eyes on her, like she could hear his breathing even though he'd been in the lounge. "What-" Martha began but Carmen pulled her to the corner where the cupboard held the mugs. She reached into them and grabbed three, making Martha terribly confused. "Coffee, Nikki?" Carmen offered in a voice that sounded a tad higher than her usual pitch. "Got any whiskey?" He joked and Carmen shook her head him. Crazy bastard. "Dude, did you guys have sex?" Carmen questioned in a hushed tone, making sure that the kettle had been on first so that their conversation would be drowned out but the sound of the water boiling. Martha was aghast by the question. Now, Carmen knew full well that Martha was no the most inclined or in simpler terms, a virgin. So Martha wasn't quite sure how Carmen was so opened to the idea so quickly, or how she'd figured it so quickly. "Carm-uh, you see-I, we..." Martha struggled to get her words out. She didn't think this is how she'd let Carmen know. Carmen pulled Martha forward and tugged her shirt down a little and just as she was sure Martha had left marks, Nikki had left a fair share of his own. Martha only looked at Carmen with shy eyes and nodded. Carmen couldn't quite believe it and bit the corner of her lip for a few seconds before bursting out into a fit of giggles. "Holy shit! No fucking way!" and this time, she made no effort to hush herself. The kettle had finished on the stove and Nikki was watching with amused eyes. Even with the noise of Led Zepplin playing from the stereo and the kettle, he knew exactly what the best friends were talking about. He didn't even need to look hard to realise. And now, Carmen's outburst, he was a hundred percent sure. "Oh shut up. You made me so scared. Fuckin' asshole!" Martha shouted and sauntered back into the lounge, leaving Carmen giggling in the kitchen. She knew that when the two of them were alone they'd have a proper conversation about the whole thing but she was glad to know that Carmen wasn't going to be uptight about the whole thing. Martha sat herself next to Nikki, who surprisingly put her hand around her shoulder and leaned to whisper something in her ear. Carmen watched intently, hoping they wouldn't notice her gaze. She watched as Martha's eyes slowly but surely widen in disbelief. That was definitely the start of something.


	10. Letter 10,Out Of Hand

Letter 10. Out of Hand

"Yes, I know, I know. You and your sister are probably very confused because this is probably the first time you've ever heard about this. Well, I'll tell you why. Nikki and I, we never said a word about this to anyone our whole lives. So congratulations, you've just made yourself number four and five of the people in the world that know this happened. I hope you're not freaking out or anything, or if you are, I hope it's not in a bad way. Honestly, I'm freaking out a little because these are things no mother ever thinks she'd tell her kids. But I guessed that after all these years of keeping the truth from you, you deserve to know the full thing. Even if it means telling you about certain things I'd gotten up to with Nikki."

"So at first, this hadn't been this dreamy thing where we were playing tongue all the time. After it first happened, we didn't even touch each other for another month. Well, I didn't touch him(you know how Nikki is). To me, this was just one of those things to Nikki. He didn't totally understand what the full weight of doing that with me was. I was greatly mistaken and was about to learn just what was going on in that twisted little mind of his."

-  
The boys tried their very best to not fuck around too hard while Martha and Doc spoke at a separate table about some important band things. While they stayed put at their own table, that was as far as they went in terms of behaving. Around nine or ten girls with the bodies of the gods and their make up, absolute perfection surrounded them. The table had already seemed crowded as more and more groupies seemed to want to buy the boys attention. The table itself, covered in every single sinful thing you could think of,littered to all four corners. They were well aquainting themselves with these superhuman girls, mentally picking out which one they'd take back to the hotel room(if not all of them.)Vince had already found himself two cute little things whose blonde hair closely resembled his. A slightly taller, red head hung over Mick's chair, whispering what godawful things she was capable of. The only one who seemed pretty closed off from these woman and their devilish intentions was Nikki. Tommy was the only one who really picked up on the distance in his eyes. But he didn't bother to ask though, Nikki was usually on some bullshit in his emotions. He just thought it had been one of those nights. But usually when he was hiked up on feelings, Nikki would fuck everything in sight. So this reaction of slapping away at anyone who came even remotely close to him was truly out of the ordinary. He'd become the absolute poster boy for "moody". But if anyone really saw into his mind, they'd know that Nikki had been far from angry or upset. Nikki had actually been deep in thought, completely entranced by the sight in front of him. Now, the one thing he had in common with the rest of the boys at the table, the things going through his mind were made of pure filth. He stared closely as Martha and Doc spoke about, God-knows-what. What had really gotten Nikki's panties in a good twist was how everything Martha did as she spoke brought back a memory of something or the other that happened the night of her birthday. Which had almost been a month before. He closed in on certain parts of her, each filling up his thoughts to the brim. He watched as she interlaced her fingers and placed them under her chin and thought back to how she had dug those same fingers into his knuckles, squirming underneath him. Her thumb reached up and trailed past her bottom lip, as she focused on what Doc was saying. It made him think about the feverish kisses she'd planted across his neck and shoulders in between her whimpers to try and keep herself in check and when she unclasped her fingers and raked it through her dark hair, he thought about her delicate little fingers roughly tugging at his hair for life. He's thought about that night for for a good portion of the days after. They'd gotten extremely busy and life seemed to be against them. Martha assumed it to be a one night thing and just left it at that. She was happy with what she got. She didn't know that her body had overrode every brain cell in Nikki's mind. She didn't know he was just waiting for a chance until he could be alone with her again. She had absolutely now idea and for some reason she seemed totally okay with that. Martha and Nikki continued on as normal. Being two goofy idiots who constantly flirted with each other. Not a single soul suspected anything out of the ordinary. There were the occasions where Nikki would make some reference of sorts to that night or he would get a little handsy when he was sure that no one was looking. Unfortunately, that's all that either of them would get for a couple weeks as things become more and more hectic. But he needed her, more than he thought possible to need anyone. He could feel it in his nerves with every move he made. Martha had singlehandedly taken over Nikki's thoughts and all it took was one night. 

"So that settles it then, since you're happy with that."Doc announces, sounding so proud of himself. Martha clapped like a child."Okay, so now that the formalities are over and done with," Doc began, leaning in closer to Martha. "Tell me why Sixx has been eyeing you all night?" He questions, his face turning upward in an amused smirk. Martha giggled lightly and leaned in even closer, "Is he? I didn't notice-" she admitted. "Anything I should worry about?" He asked, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms. Martha shook her head, biting at her lip as she thought what exactly Doc meant by that. Is this something to worry about? Doc didn't believe that for a second, but he couldn't question it. He had no idea what he would be questioning either way. He just hoped this isn't another band member that Martha can't get along with. Poor, oblivious, Doc. 

As Martha neared the table, Nikki's gaze softened and his near stiff posture relaxed a little and for the first time that night, he smiled. "Woah, you bitches actually stayed put. I'm impressed." Martha deadpanned, leaning her palms against the table. Most of the groupies feigned much enthusiasm at her arrival. "You're so hot, I'm actually jealous." The one who sat next to Tommy said. The red head one grabbed at Martha's hair,"You're hair is to die for." "Thank you, thank you ladies. You're all pretty sexy yourselves. Please continue as you were, you, Sixx, come with me."She said quickly, her hand digging into her back pockets whole she wait. "Ooh-what did you do?"Vince questioned, making his voice like a child. Tommy laughed and smacked Nikki on the shoulder and they all laughed."Oh, shut it children. Come on Nikki, move your ass."She said hastily. Nikki rolled his eyes at his friends behaviour before sliding past the leather of the seat and walked behind Martha. 

He'd been surprised when she pulled him into a darker hallway a little bit past stage up front."What?" Nikki asked as they stopped dead in the middle of the hallway that was so badly lit that they could only vaguely make out each other's features. "I could ask you the same thing Nikki."She spoke with much exasperation in her voice."Staring me up and down all night like I murdered your mother." She commented and Nikki's immediate reaction was to hit her with some of his grade A level dark humor. "You could have fed her to lions for all I care." Martha groaned so loudly that it echoed down the hall. "You know what I fucking mean. What the hell? Even Doc noticed. What's your fucking deal?" She brought her voice back to a hushed tone. He tried to take her seriously but when she reached her middle finger up to push her glasses further up her nose bridge, he couldn't quite keep it together. He smiled widely at her and the annoyance on he face only grew. "Come on Nikki, I'm being serious here, can't you take shit-" She was cut off by a rather unexpected finger to her lips. She immediately halted her sentence and moved backward. Nikki noticed that was her natural, instinctive move when she was surprised by anything. Her head jerks back in slightest and her eyes go wide. She gulped when he didn't remove his finger, rather he dragged the tip of it from her top lip to her bottom lip, then brining his thumb up to cup at it. He stepped in closer to her. Their height difference seemed rather impossible at times but on nights like these, it had Martha absolutely weak at the knees. His fingers slowly dragged off of her lips and the rest came up to rest across her jaw. It was strange how they both stayed silent and yet, Martha knew exactly what Nikki wanted her to do. As he moved forward, her feet staggered back, and he continued until her back came into contact with the wall. She looked at him, anticipation full in her eyes. Once again, Nikki closed the gap between them, pressing his lips to hers. This time, Martha reacted immediately, moving her lips with his, bring her hand up to grip at his shoulders. Nikki's own hands went around her waist, wanting her as close as possible. His hands, notorious for roaming would never have stayed in place. Soon they moved up, pulling her shirt with on their journey. As soon she felt Nikki bringing her shirt a little too high up, she halted and looked up it. "Nikki, are you fucking out of your mind?" She questioned, her fingers still clasping at her shoulders. Her hands broke away from their place and slid them downward, trying to detach them from going any further. But he persisted and continued attacking her neck with kisses, breaking his hands away from hers and pushing them past anything he could. Martha giggled at this but she couldn't deny the rising uncertainty and paranoia that bubbled up in her stomach and her chest and she couldn't let him continue, no matter how bad her need was. She kept half heartedly pushing him away, smiling through her worry. "Come on, I'm being serious-"   
"Martha? Martha?" a voice came from the other end of the hall and both Nikki and Martha's heads shot in that direction. "Shit."she whispered and looked around, quickly she grabbed Nikki's hand pulled him further down the hall looking in both sides to see if there had been any door of some sort. This was supposed to be where all the dressing rooms were located but Martha couldn't spot one. Eventually, after squinting wildly, even with her glasses on,she found one. As quick as she possibly could, she pulled the thing open and ducked inside, making sure Nikki was fully behind her before she gently pushed it closed. She slid herself against it, wanting to wait there until she was sure Doc had left. But Nikki, oh he had other plans. He took one long step and, still staying silent, lent in again. Martha didn't tell him no (mainly because she didn't want to tell him that) but she did stay dead still against the door which in all honest, wasn't the most convenient for Nikki. That was fine. That whole thing had been pretty okay until Nikki grabbed at her sides and dug his fingers there and a sudden laugh echoed through the room. She silenced it almost immediately, eye widening as she realised how loud she'd been. Nikki, unlike Martha, was able to catch his own cackle in his throat and stared. She threatened him with her eyes, which turned to slits. But once again, they went to the size of sauces as they heard Doc's footsteps near. And of all the times they had in the past few moments, Nikki could not have picked a worse time to let his own giggle out. It was short and deep and loud enough to make Doc stop dead in his tracks. Nikki was pissimg himself at Martha's reaction and she was sure that if she didn't do anything, he'd definitely give them away. She reached as far as her toes would let her and slapped her palm across his lips, her fingers digging to the side of his cheeks. The infamous Nikki Sixx smirk could be seen, even from behind her small fingers(which barely reached the edge of his face). Doc knocked and Nikki's snorted, not loud enough to echo but loud enough for Martha to panic. She tightened her hand across the piece she could hold and stepped in closer, trying to assert herself. But when Nikki saw a chance, he just couldn't stay away. His calves tightening around hers and his knees brought her in, the bones sinking into the sides of her hips. His mouth parted and his tongue slid across her fingers. Her eyes widened and she swallowed hard, as if a there had been a lump in her throat. Nikki didn't stop there, he closed his lips, pushed them against her palm and kissed the spot on the middle. It was dark but she could still feel his gaze in hers, all intense and pleased with himself. When he didn't things like that, she lost control of her body. She slid her fingers down, dragging his lips with them. She pushed her middle finger against his bottom lip, adding her index finger. Nikki grabbed her wrist and kissed her fingers before setting them on his neck. He brought her in closer, his fingers digging deep into her sides as he caught her lips once more. This time, not as hard but with just the same amount of urgency. His hands roamed up and down the expanse of her back, tangling in her hair and grabbing at her ass. Everywhere he get a hold of. They'd forgotten about the fact that Doc has been looking but Martha was sure that after a few more minutes, he'd walk away. And he did. And they continued until Martha realised that they couldn't keep at it as long as they wanted to. Not if they wanted to keep it the way it was, which is to them selves. So, with great difficulty, she'd pulled herself away from Nikki, looking into his face and smiling contently. "You know, if we stay any longer, then we'll probably get caught."Martha whispered. Tugging at his hand, trying to get him to sit up. She knew he wanted more, she could feel it (and him) but if there was any chance that this man could have her, he'd have to wait. The two of them filed out of the room, careful to make sure that their appearance didn't give away what they'd been up to.

When they made their way into the front, Doc looked at them with confusion in his eyes. Nikki wore the face of a two year old, post tantrum. A face that said "she made my life flash before my eyes". Adding to the fact that the boys thought she'd pulled him aside to give him hell for some shit he'd pulled. But deep down, he knew and she knew exactly what had happened. "Where were you two?" Doc questions, narrowing his eyes at them. "Oh, Nikki fucken let a loose rat into my room the other night and I told him he needs to pull that shit out before I fucken shave him bald."to that, everyone lost their shit, including Nikki. Who was so impressed with her level of quick thinking."I came to look for you guys-" he began but Martha intercepted. "Doc, we were right out front. How did you miss us?" and the already giggly boys were losing their shit. And Doc was not having any of it. He knew something was up but who was he to speculate? 

Mötley Crüe, a bunch of physchotic, horny rabbits that would most likely never give up any sort of sexual action even if it was to save their lives. So, the idea of removing the boys from the rapidly filling bar was beyond any thought. But, it did make it easier for two certain somebody's to easily sneak out without anyone noticing. And thanks to the close distance and lack of car, Martha and Nikki had walked back to her and Carmen's apartment. Her new shift hours did wonders for Martha's newfound night interest. The two of them barely made it through the door before Nikki was at it again. Planting his devilish kisses over every part of her body that he could reach. Martha still struggled to close the door and make it was locked. He was getting restless and frankly, tired of her pushing him off all night. He grabbed her by the waist and pushed her against the wall, right next to the hallway and pushed her up. He could never get over the look on her face whenever he did those kinds of things. Her eyes would shine and her lips would part, she wanted whatever it was he would throw at her. And for a while, it was everything she'd ever dreamed. Nikki was smiling, pretty adorably if anything. A face that was new to Martha. He leaned his forehead against hers, distracting her from the movement of his legs. He shifted so that one knee had been between her legs. She made nothing of it at first. But when he pushed it further, putting in the slightest pressure, she gasped. When Martha did that, Nikki knew this was his get go. She wouldn't be out of his hold for a long time after. He started bouncing his foot, sending his knee up and down between her. He watched as her face contorted in the most innocent way possible. Any hooker wouldn't have even waited though this shit. His fingers pushed past her shirt and pulled it over her head, revealing her bra to him. Which, in all fairness, was not the sexiest thing under the sun. Just some plain black cotton. But the fact that it was on her, the fact that has been holding back something his greedy little fingers couldn't wait to grab ahold of, the fact that it revealed all this skin in the perfect light. He felt himself getting all riled up and all she was doing was reacting to him. Reacting to his palms, sliding up and down her newly exposed skin. Reaction to his jean clad knee that was grinding against her center. His kisses that left a trail of fire through her nerves. Once he'd reached behind her and unclipped her bra with professional ease, she knew it was over for her. "You're so fucking sexy, you don't even know." he'd whisper to her,creating shivers all up her back and forearms.   
He didn't even waste a second once the material hit the floor. It was all hands and tongue and teeth. All sloppy, open mouth kisses and hickeys. Nikki had Martha in a state. She breathed loudly and her chest heaved. Her hands were digging holes into his shirt. All this and they hadn't even made it into the bedroom yet.


	11. Letter 11,Blue November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering, no this is not a Nikki/OC love story:)  
> As said before, it's Martha's whole life so there's definitely more to come! Anyways enjoy

Letter 11,Blue November

"Maybe I misunderstood just how enthusiastic Nikki would become once I fully opened my doors to him. I was very young at the time, as you heard, I'd just turned nineteen. And Nikki was, older than I was, and the most important part here-he'd been more experienced. So in addition with the horrid rate at which my crush had been growing and my lack of self control around him, I now also had to deal with the imposing thoughts that took so much of my attention. Like he controlled my mind. Okay, maybe that isn't the right way to put it. See, I thought about him so many times after that and I'd work myself up into a stupor, just trying to figure out if I'd only ever let what happened-happen, because I was young the and the idea of a handsome rockstar finding me even remotely as alluring as himself made me very confident in myself or if I genuinely felt the things that I did. And to be honest, sometimes if beat myself up really badly over it because I could never imagine ever using anyone like that but sometimes I felt like I did. But you know, it takes two. (please don't be grossed out, I'm aware that my beating around the bush might come off as a little cringe-worthy). I'd also always have to remind myself that, in the end, we had spoken about it,and we had set the record straight with each other before we could carry one with our lives. Because that was the right thing to do, considering we'd been practically attached at the hip the second they'd signed a contract paper,but also, we just really had a great friendship. (That consisted of a lot of me trying to get him to realize that he's better than he thinks and deserves better than he gives himself credit for)"

"But back to what's actually happening. And truly, it's a lot. This thing that we'd started required a lot from the both of us because our biggest mission had been to keep ourselves quiet about the whole thing and at the time, the boys had been so fucked up on drugs and alcohol at all hours of the day that it got so hard for Nikki to keep it to himself. I mean, he'd been used to just grabbing anyone by their belt and doing them then and there in front of the entire universe and more understandbly, a girl who was just as out of her mind as he was. Unfortunately (and I mean that sarcastically), I was not such a girl and he had to be even more out of his mind than everyone thought he was to think that I'd ever in my right mind just...yeah.. 

As usual, Martha's thoughts had revolved around the four walls of her bedroom, the bed she knew lay unmade which would only become more unruly as the night dragged on. Even though she'd just spent hours roaming around with the boys, following the rule Elektra put in place of having to have her around at all times for all things, even if they didn't really need her, she knew that she'd make it back to that same room with the same person to do the same thing they'd been doing a for a month now. The problem that they faced, and this is was mainly on Nikki, was that they were starting to let it get away from themselves. There were a dozen times that day alone where Martha had to shoot Nikki a glare or kick him or strike up a different conversation to distract anyone who was listening because Nikki couldn't shut his damn mouth. Nikki had constantly been at that level of intoxication where one could not control themselves and so, there was so many times he'd blurted out something about he and Martha. Luckily enough, as someone who could match every boy wit for wit, she was quick thinking and quickly turned what he said around or, stopped the topic all together. But there were times when she couldn't help but let him speak, just a little longer than she should have. Quite honestly, Nikki wasn't scared to share his thoughts, especially not about woman. So when he started going off about this "tiny girl with the perfect tits," she almost choked at his blatant expression, and most definitely felt the blood rush to her checks when he shared a a little fact about a tattoo that she had on her back. At that, she tripped over her own feet trying to get him to shut his mouth before he could reveal any more incriminating secrets. "You're a fucking animal, Nikki."She growled and put her hand gently on his back, drumming at it to try and send signals.

The biggest of the instances to stand out would be the night they'd been out when a stupendously tall, blonde woman with ridiculously perfect legs had crawled up to Nikki, looking into his face with the brightest teeth he'd seen on a hooker. And without much any words from her, she'd gone about her business and he did not try to stop her. While Nikki was pretty much bound to what has become his nightly routine, he knew that (and he was certain that Martha knew too) there was no way he could ever keep himself to just one girl. To him and the other boys, having just one partner would an aspect that neither of them could completely wrap their head around, some even when they'd gotten married. So for Martha, or Nikki, to expect that he'd stay tied to her just because they'd been having sex almost every night wasn't necessarily the most realistic approach. Which is exactly why she'd been shocked when she turned her head was met with such a blank faced Nikki. His arms had been stretched out on either side of him against the couch he'd been sat at and his legs spread enough for the blonde to slot herself between. Martha watched as the blondes hairs bounced as her head bobbed up and down in Nikki's lap but Nikki didn't even bat an eyelash. Which was surprising, considering the fact that he'd been so blatant and non-caring that he wouldn't have minded to make a scene right there, Martha's seen him do worse in public(like when he fucked Tom's date in front of everyone while she'd been on her period-Martha almost threw up). Nikki had caught her staring, and just like the tease he loves to be, he looked dead at her and winked. Before she could even retort with a snarl, Nikki rolled his head around and faked a yawn. Now, if the sweetie between his legs saw that, I'm sure she would have stood up and left immediately, but the only person who'd caught Nikki, other than Martha, was Tommy. Tommy had caught a lot of the flirting Nikki had thrown Martha's way for the lest few weeks and he'd noticed how much it'd increased since her birthday. Although Tommy had been smart enough to figure that much out, he(just like everyone else)had been none the wiser about the two of them. Martha was glaring at Nikki now, trying to mask the smile that was ever threatening to break out, while Nikki didn't to much to mask his own smile.

Later that evening when Martha had finally bid the boys goodbye, she felt almost uncomfortable at entering her and Carmen's apartment without Nikki. Nonetheless, she knew that she'd been dog tired and the idea of an actual decent amount of sleep seemed more alluring than anything she could possibly imagine. She dropped the keys in little bowl on the counter and dragged her booted feet toward her bedroom, the sound being the only thing that could be heard in the dead silent apartment, though it would not stay that way. "Holy shit!" Martha's voice echoed through the otherwise silent room. "Man, what the fuck?" she yelled as she grabbed her chest, feeling her heart hammer. There was deep giggle and for a moment Martha had forgotten how startled she'd been. Somehow, while she was still making her way to her apartment, Nikki had reached her to it (and won.). When he'd gotten there nearly ten minutes before she did, he'd climbed through a window in the bathroom, walked to her room and sat himself on the edge of her bed like a little boy, quietly and to himself. It was very strange of himself, even he knew that. He'd essentially broken into someone else's house and somehow managed to keep every delinquent nerve in his body at a low while simultaneously not allowing the drugs in his system to take complete control of his actions by making him trash the place. Whats more, is that he sat there and looked at the few drawings she had plastered across her wall with adoration twinkling in his eyes. Deep down Nikki knew that he had feelings for her, in fact, his upside down past had made him nothing but more sensitive to all that had been around him. It was him who decided to take the outlets that he had. So when the thought of an actual inkling of any sort of emotion even a fraction close to love started cutting through his thoughts, he didn't know what to do. Of course he'd masked it, of course he'd covered it up. He slathered himself in all that had been around him, in every drug, drink and lady he could find and yet, whenever he was alone or off with some other woman, it just never felt right. He needed what only Martha could give him. Yet, Nikki didn't want to admit to himself. She was a nineteen year old that barely saw the world yet, she was innocent and sensitive and beautiful and everything Nikki knew he would fuck up if he tried too hard. And he couldn't stop himself from trying but, he could at least slow himself down, he thought. Which is exact why he'd made sure that Martha had nothing else to look forward to beside the sex. Which in all certainty had not been meaningless, even from day one. It couldn't be, even if Nikki wanted it to be (and he sure as hell didn't want that).

"Surprised?" he witted, standing up and pacing toward her, keeping his eyes down as he did so. Martha, who still had her fingers clutched across her chest, smiled up at him. She stepped closer to him too, until she stood close enough that their feet touched. Finally, his eyes darted and met with hers which had been shining in the light. Though Martha did not have green eyes like Nikki or blue ones like Vince, hers were still breathtakingly gorgeous. Or, so Nikki had thought. "Surprised? How in the fuck did your ass get into my room Nikki? You know you nearly gave me a fuckin' heart attack."she complained, although her voice had a nervous shudder floating through it, as she usually sounded whenever Nikki and her had been alone. He could never get over the fact that she become so flustered and nervous around him, as though he hadn't been in her room almost every night, as if he hadn't seen her naked countless times already, as if he hadn't held her shaking hand every night while she called his name over and over again. Martha, even after all of the supposed confidence she'd gained from being with Nikki, remained reserved in nature and if she'd been completely honest, she was still shy. She couldn't help herself, up until that point she'd never been with anyone before and he was Nikki Sixx for fucks sake. It's not like he made it very easy for her to be confident, if anything, he'd only made her more nervous. And that was on the fact that she'd liked him since forever.

Though she'd become so easily flustered, Martha's instinct was always to make sure she asserted herself to the fullest of her ability or until she could not anymore. "As if you didn't expect me."He whispered, smirking at her. His hands stayed at his side but they itched to grab hold of her."I would say that I didn't expect you to break into my house but-" She started but her sentence had gotten lost when she'd looked up at him. Finally, his ever restless hands moved. The one latched onto her arm while she other slid up her back. Martha still tried to compose herself."I swear, of all the shit you pulled this week-", "I'm just having fun." he cut her off. "Having fun? Nikki, not being able to shut the fuck up isn't fun. You know how many times today-" This time he hadn't said anything to cut her off. She gulped loudly as his fingers wrapped around her neck, gently but with enough pressure that he could feel her pulse. She still looked up at him but this time, her scowl had disappeared and was replaced by something else, that Nikki had come to recognize easily over the last few days. "What happened? You were saying?" he teased but he didn't expect an answer, he knew she would not say a word. He had that effect on her (as he did on most people) but obviously, this was different. She gulped again. Nikki's grip tightened and he slid his fingers higher up to her throat and he began to move. Walking forward, he forced Martha's feet backward until they'd hit the wall. Now, Martha hadn't been the tallest of the pack, standing at just five foot three, Nikki towered over her small frame. So when he'd stood over her, you could hardly see her past him. His hand had unlatched from her arm and he'd pushed his palm against the wall. "Oh don't look at me like that, like you don't know what's going to happen."Nikki growled, lowering his head. He was talking about the shining in her eyes that had grown to the size of saucers. She was breathing loudly too."I never know what's coming with you Nikki."She said, looking the other way to avoid the sudden intensity of his eyes on her. But he wouldn't allow that for long, his hand that had been wrapped around her throat nudged at her neck until she was forced to look back at him. And then he kissed her. Which was supposed to be something that both of them had become used to after all this time. But that hadn't been the case, not yet anyways. Nikki always found himself losing his control and will power whenever her lips touched him. Like the first night, on her birthday when all he wanted to just kiss her,but just like now, he couldn't keep it together when their lips met. What was it about her kisses that did this to him? He couldn't quite put a finger on it just yet. Maybe it was the fact that Nikki knows where she's been, he knows that those kisses are reserved only for him and for some reason, that makes him weak. Maybe it was the fact that Martha had been such a sweet girl who'd mostly kept to herself and was never as open about relationships as him, so to be trusted enough to be given things she'd spend weeks thinking about had it been someone else-well it made his stomach flutter just a little. Martha's hands had left her sides and trailed up his arms and shoulder before she wrapped them loosely around his neck. She had to stand on her toes to keep the contact, having some help from Nikki who'd left her neck and wrapped both hands around her waist, pulling her up and against him. He then started walking backward until his legs touched the base of the bed. He then sat and tugged at her jacket, signaling for her to move on top him. She did it without hesitation, moving her legs to either side of her thighs to straddle him. Nikki's hands then slid off her waist and grabbed her ass through her jeans while she craddled his face in her hands. His fingers dragged back around and went straight to the button on her jeans, popping it with ease. Both their eagerness began to show and they hardly spoke any words while trying to rid each other of the clothing that had been getting in their way.

~

"Where the fuck were you dude?" Tommy questioned, clutching at a piece of paper as he frantically threw his hands in the air. Nikki didn't answer. "Yeah man, you haven't come home for- fucking-ever!" Vince added, looking an expressionless Nikki. "Did you even see this?" Tommy started again, waving the paper in front of Nikki's face. The paper has been slotted underneath the door during the early hours of the morning and was found by a dazed and hungover Vince, who didn't even make out what it was until hours later when he'd remembered that he'd seen it on the counter. It was an eviction notice. "They can't fucking do that."Nikki growled, his rage already seeping through his tone."Actually, I'm surprised they waited this long."Martha chirped in, pulling the paper out of Tommy's hand to read it."What?" Vince asked, looking at her the way he usually did whenever she'd said something he didn't like (which almost all of the time). "Oh come on. You guys are actual fucking pigs. The doors broken in, and boarded up, there's fried roaches lying all around, the bathroom is covered in shit and the lawn is covered in rats. I mean, there's still fucking glass lying on thr floor from that time it broke on Dave's head, and that was months ago. And if all that isn't enough, you guys party like fucking teenagers every fucking day, that itself was bound to get you kicked out."She listed, rolling her eyes at them."Well who the fuck cares? That's what you get when you live down the street from-"  
"Yes Tommy, I know. But you can't spill that bullshit on the landlords. They won't even look at you. Ya'll better start making a plan to live somewhere else." she stated, looking through thr eviction note. She would help them, but the truth is, she only really trusted Tommy to live with her. Mick too, but he actually had a house in Manhattan and hardly ever came to the shit hole that is the Mötley house. Or, was the Mötley house. As Martha held the notice up closer to her face, her glasses sliding down the bridge of her nose, Tommy had noticed a little mark on her arm. Martha had quite a bit of tattoos on both her arms so it was barely noticeable at first but it wasn't invisible either. "What the fuck happened to your arm?" Tommy questioned, grabbing at it and staring at the purple mark that bloomed just below her giant "X" tattoo. Martha's eyes widened only momentarily when she saw what he'd been talking about, the thought of Nikki's finger tips digging into her arms flashed through her mind. But, as always, Martha had been quick thinking. "What the fuck-I knew that was going to bruise." she started, abandoning the letter on the table and grabbing at her arm. "Jee, what happened?" Nikki questioned, keeping his tone plain though his eyes were filled with amusement. She didn't even humor him for a second. She'd just clicked her tongue and said, "I knocked it against my door handle last night when I got home. Those bitches are sharp."She groaned, zoning in on the spot and snarling. Nikki smirked, trying his hardest not to laugh. She'd been so convincing that he actually had to think if she'd done that when she found him in her room the previous night. Vince's gaze left them and turned back onto Nikki. "Man, you haven't come home every night for a while man. What the fuck is up?" He questioned Nikki, whose smile had disappeared. "What? Is it a problem Vinnie?" Nikki asked, not threatening but challenging. Vince immediately softened his tone. "What dude, no! I just want to know what you been up to? Or, fuck it, I don't even care. I guess I just wanted to know of you were off with someone."He started, making Nikki gulp."Because I think I know you Nikki, and I know you don't tie yourself down. But maybe you did-Am I wrong?" Vince continued, picking up on the defensive rise that his shoulder took. "Dude, are you fucking crazy. No! Listen I'm just exploring. And if I'm off with some chick, it definitely isn't the same bitch every night. The fuck are you thinking?"Nikki explained, smacking Vince on the shoulder and laughing. He hoped he could have been as convincing at Martha had, who said herself on a stool near the counter. He noticed that she didn't go for the usual band-merch tank tops that she'd become almost renowned for. This day, she'd worn a plain black shirt that was long and a little baggy on her. Her chest had been perfectly covered up. "You're unbelievable."He whispered to her when he came to stand next to her."Oh, because I knocked my arm on the door handle?" she questioned, looking at him with all the amusement in the world. "How did you even manage that? It's on the door?" he asked, humouring her to the fullest. "I got a shock. I thought something was in there when I opened the door."she told him, giggling at herself."What, in you room? Holy shit."Tommy gasped, looking at her with big eyes."Don't worry Tommy, I didn't have my glasses on, it was just a towel ."Martha explained, rubbing her hands on her knees and smiling up him. Nikki was shocked. How could everyone around them be that oblivious? It was almost exciting, doing this thing knowing that someone would catch them, but now he can see that that might not ever happen. Not with Martha's acting skills and quick mouth. Then he laughed at that thought, "quick mouth" . Not a joke he could make out loud and a get laugh for it. Maybe a smack upside the head from Martha. "Like I said, unbelievable." Nikki said.


	12. Letter 12,My Cousin, Again

"Letter 12,my cousin-again"

"Even though I hadn't mentioned it just yet, throughout all of this, I'd made regular visits and calls to Slash. Slash and I were basically brother and sister, attached at the hip. There wasn't anything we did that we hadn't told each other. There wasn't a single thing going on that we didn't know. So, obviously, after a couple weeks, I had to tell him about Nikki. I just had to no idea how to do it. Honestly. See, Slash and I weren't exactly scared or ashamed to share much with each other, whatever it was we had done. But we were very different when it came to that. I mostly spoke about work, about being around with Mötley Crüe (who'd started blowing up) and the never ending rasicm I'd had to deal with. He was more the one who'd shared detailed descriptions of girls he'd spent the night with and other delinquent activities he'd participated in. I would usually just laugh or tell him he needs to slow down. He also used to call me a lot whenever he'd start off on a new music venture that he was so excited to invest his time into."

"See, Slash didn't always have this dream of playing guitar. In fact, he didn't even want to be a musician. When I moved to L.A he was diving head first into an ever growing love for BMX and all that jazz but one day that had completely changed and he hasn't stopped trying to persue it since then. Se time around two years before now, he'd met a cute blonde boy who was almost as excited as Tommy was. That was Steven Adler. And since they'd met, those boys stopped at nothing to take on their musical aspirations. Over those two or three years, Steven and I had grown close, he became like my little brother. He was always smiling, and it was contagious as hell. He was such a happy person back then. "

" Okay, so remember how I'd said that, apart from myself, Nikki and Carmen, you two were the absoluet first to hear about what had been going on between Nikki and I. I may have have said that for the sake of your own comfort, because I know for a fact that you or sister must've cringed at least once. Anyways, that isn't the point. The point is, there had been only one other person (And I'm being completely truthful here). I bet you already might have guessed who"

"Yeah- me too." Martha replied to her cousin. Her sentence was soft but daring. She couldn't believed she was about to let loose what she thought she'd never tell anyone. Slash was silent for a moment before he could say anything. "What...what do you mean?" He asked, his playful tone had completely disappeared and was replaced with protective curiosity. "Oh, you know-"She started, not being able to find the perfect words."You know, I really want to know with who, but first, explain." He demanded. She wanted to laugh at him and how he'd reacted. He'd always made jokes about how he'd chop and slice at anyone who came near her. But he was still a kid, in fact, Martha had been an entire two years older than he is(yes, he's seventeen)."Ugh, what do you want me to say Saul? Explain to you how it happened? Because I know for a fact that you know exactly how these things work." She spoke vaguely, unable to bring herself to using actual words and terms, settling for the word, "things". "Oh fuck, Marty. I didn't ask you to relay porn to me...just,fucking tell me who."He whispered that sentence, his mother must be home. She took a deep breath and thought about it for a second. It wasn't an easy thing to just come out with, even if her cousin had been shamelessly sharing about his encounters a mere five minutes prior."What? You can't tell me?" He asked and now she could sense the rising offence in his tone. "Oh come, it can't be that-", "It's Nikki." She blurted out, cutting Slash's sentence short. Now it was his turn for silence, although the slow approaching laugh from Slash's side showed that he had no been as serious as her. "Shut the fuck up." He told her, laughing in disbelief. "Goddamnit Martha, look at you-" He adds afterward, not immediately picking up on Martha's discomfort. "Oh shut up!" She playfully yelled, although   
she secretly wished he wouldn't make a big deal out of it. "Here I am thinking that you were going stay a nun all your life, and you're off banging Nikki fucking Sixx." He continued, unable to calm the laughter that bubbled out of each sentence. "Slash, nuns don't smoke."She joked back, scratching up her arm as she looked away uncomfortably. While Slash laughed on the other side for another fifteen minutes, Martha constantly checked her pager which usually went off every other hour. But this time it didn't, the one time she really wanted it to. Luckily enough, Slash had derailed and began talking about a new band that he and best friend and the time, Steven Adler had joined. Slash had become a mindblowing guitarist in the last four years he'd decided to pick the instrument up. "I'm proud of you." She whispered, genuinely happy for him and Steven. But he could hear the anxiousness that laced her voice and the tiredness behind it. His laughs came to a complete halt and the silence hits again, only this time more intense. "What's wrong?" He asked, any sense of enthusiasm completely eradicated, all laughs and smiles pushed to the side. "Hey nothing-", she started. "Don't give that bullshit."He spoke over her, his voice deeply unsettling. 

Slash and Martha had known each other like the back of their hands. Even though they'd both been so young, they'd spent almost all their time together since childhood. Neither of them could hide a single thing from each other so when Martha's tone detriorated, there was no way he wouldn't pick up on it. He knew something had been up. And something truly had been up, as much as she didnt want to admit it to Slash. Which was a rarety since she hadn't ever been unable to admit anything to her cousin, at times she just required a little  
goading. "He's treating, you good isn't he?" Slash asked, dead serious, dead expecting for her to say something she kmew she never would. "It's not like that-"   
"Not like what?"  
"We aren't, Nikki and I, we-" And then she'd gotten distracted. Her pager had went off, so loud even Slash hesed it. "Ah, duty calls."And his playful tonr had returned."Un-fucking-fortunately." She sighed, a nervous and forced chuckle had surpassed her lips. "Hey, we aren't done here. Call me when you can." He told her, being careful to watch his words, he had no intention of uosetting her any further than she'd already been. Or that's what he thought. 

While she walked down the filth covered street, Martha thought deeply about the question her cousin had asked. If Nikki been treating her good. She'd contemplated it the entire way to the Mötley house, knowing for a fact Slash- or anyone beside Carmen- wouldn't like the answer. The problem isn't that he didn't treat her well, because the truth was that she'd been one of the only people he'd respected in public. While he didn't spare her the derogatory comments or the perverted statements, Martha never got the rude remarks or disrespect she showed to the general majority. He was nice to her, relative to Nikki of course. She couldn't help but think what had actually gone on in Nikki's mind every time he was around her. What exactly he felt about her. Obviously, she isn't stupid enough to ever expect any sort of romantic feelings from him, but she would hate to come on the other side learning that she'd been used. But there was guilt too, it isn't like she was completely innocent in the situation. After all, she'd given totally (Although sometimes she'd felt like she hardly had any control anymore). It was so stupid to her. It wasn't meant to be complicated by her thoughts but it seemed inevitable. How long did she expect to just allow this thing to go on without any growth. Even if not with Nikki, Martha knew she needed someone, even if it weren't Nikki. At the time though, even if she knew that there would be nothing more between herself and Nikki, she couldn't see herself past this. The tiny problem that blocked her view of the future. In the form of words she wished she could throw down a drain. Burn it in a fire and pretend it never existed. But feelings can't be controlled, otherwise she never would have let herself become even remotely interested in Nikki. 

As she reached the back stairs of the building, watchint not to scrape her knees when she jumped the little space between the ground and the metal platform. The boys, even Vince, usually just had to extend their leg a little to reach the platform,Martha hadn't had such convenience. She uses this way to reach the side window, the one on the other side of the front door, the one that only she used. Luckily it wasn't a long walk as the boys had stayed on the first floor. As she climbed through, she'd been surprised to find that they'd all laid around as though there hadn't been an eviction notice at their door a few days before. Tommy didn't immediately run up to her like he usually did because Tommy, was no where to be seen. Mick too, hadn't been there (as usual), just Vince sat with a can of whatever in his hand and Nikki in the corner, scribbling in a book. There had been a few girls thrown around, some asleep, some trying to figure out how they'd gotten in the house. Martha jumped in, immediately hearing the faint sound of high pitched squeals from further into the house. At least she'd pinned Tommy's location. Vince, only nodded in her direction, making no effort in greeting her. Nikki, who hadn't looked up at all, only held out his hand toward her. She grabbed hold of it and sat herself next to him and looked ober to what he had in his hands. "What you got there, Sixx?" she whispered, leaning further to try and make out what he had going on there. Her attention was immediately drawn to the the pentagram drawn in the top, left corner. Her eyes widenend a little bit but she stayed silent. "Sick shit, huh?" He asks, although Martha doesn't quite understand what she's looking at so she doesn't answer. Nikki doesn't wait up for a reply, so he doesn't stop writing. His free hand however, hadn't let go of hers just yet and that, was the thing she'd focused on. He'd let his grip go and intertwined their fingers together, so to an extent, Nikki knew exactly what he was doing. Very publicly at that. She could sense the rising awkwardness in her chest, wanting to ask him if everything is alright but also not wanting to read into anything. She just squeezed his knuckles and looked at the corridor that lead to the bedrooms, knowing Tommy would appear soon since the sounds have silenced. Nikki must have felt her tensing up because he stopped what he'd been doing and leaned over to her. "Why are yo-"  
"Marty!" Tommy cheered, walking toward her with a smile on his face. Nikki felt Martha's hand uncomfortably leave his. "When did you get here?" Tommy asked, throwing his arm around her neck. Nikki stared but said nothing. She'd been acting stiff even toward Tommy and even though, the only straight and rational thinking he could poasibly do was being down onto the paper in front of him, he could deduce a bad mood instantly.

~

"You've been pissy all day."Nikki commented, his hold on Martha's arm threatening to tighten. Martha had been on her way to their room where they'd recorded when Nikki grabbed her and pulled her into a generally empty hallway. Anyone who'd happened to pass by didn't even bat an eyelash in their direction. Nikki, who stood incredibly close, had confronted Martha's distant behaviour. She hardly even spoke to anyone that day and when they had tried speaking , she'd just nod or hum. "What the fuck are you on?" She asked, avoiding the question and looking around to make sure no one important would walk by. "I'm high as fuck, not dumb-"He slurred over her, trying hold his assertion."Nikki you are both those things." The tiredness and iritation was so evident in her voice, he actually felt himself getting angry. "Stop changing the fucking topic."He growled, smacking his hand down beside her." Ugh, what do you want me to say?" she groaned, trying not to show any signs of weakness. She hated how weak he had made her sometimes."Tell me why you've been a fucking time bomb all day."  
"I haven't-", "That's bullshit."He said, not angrily but anyone could hear the rising annoyance."Nikki, stop it."She complained, grabbing hold of the hand that had been smacked against the wall beside her."I'm just tired, alright." Excuses, excuses, she could think about a million things, so long as she didn't have to have this talk with him right then. Then, and unexpectedly as ever, Nikki(who was suspected to walk away angrily) pulled his arm away from the wall and twisted it around her waist. He saw her eyes widen and then soften again. He stared directly into them for a good couple seconds before leaning over. He kissed her, and unlike every other time she'd been kissed by him, it was soft and slow and so strange that Martha took seconds before she could respond. Both his hands had met at the bottom of her back and hers latched onto his shoulder. But that was it. It lasted for a few seconds, and then pulled away and hugged her. If the question mark was a face, Martha had made it. Of course, she hadn't fought him, in fact she welcomed his rather unusually warm actions. "Whatever the fuck it is, tell us when you can. You don't have to walk around with the world on your shoulders." was all Nikki had said before he finally loosened his grip on her. He backed away slowly and just left her in the hallway, confused and worried."What the fuck-" she said out loud, kicking the wall behind her.


	13. Letter 13, Nikki is weird-I don't get why I like him

"Letter 13;Nikki is weird, why do I like him?" 

"There were times where I, and even Carmen sometimes wondered if I was just another one his play things, and understandably why. I mean, he was feeding my crush the attention it craved but at what point does it stop being just this? I was not like them, as close as I may have been to some of them, I couldn't live like they did. I couldn't have alchol constantly filtering through my body and drugs running through my veins. I couldn't just sleep with whoever whenever and just be okay. I don't think I could be blamed for wanting something more than what I'd be getting, even if it hadn't been from Nikki himself. The problem was not that I'd grown tired or bored of(or of us), but I suppose I didn't want to feel like just a piece of meat either. And you'll see, later on, that's all I get treated like."

"Another big thing was that, if anything, I still very much liked Nikki. There would be no comprehensible reason for my willingness if I had felt any other way. My non-functioning, weak-ass mind couldn't juggle the idea of havimg to assert myself toward Nikki, which was kind of strange if you considered the other areas we'd been involved in. Where I wouldn't think twice ahout telling to fuck off, that I didn't need the one guy I liked more than anything, look at me and just see a piece of ass. I needed-more. I'm sensitive and honestly, grew up always needing someone. And luckily enough, I had people like Carmen and Tommy to fill out the large holes left... Left by my father, by Jeff and Will, by my mother's job. But I needed, 'that' kind of love, you know? The one where it's all dreamy and makes you kind dizzy 'cause of how surreal it is? Yeah, this wasn't going to be that. And honestly, I think even you know, that expecting (even if it wasn't with someone like Nikki) something like that was a bit naive. But how could I have known? I was all but a tiny fish in an ocean of sharks."

"It's dumb, isn't it?" Martha asked, as she took a long pull from her cigarette. She'd sat herself on the kitchen counter beside Carmen, who'd been eating dry toast before she left for work. This day had been one of those rare occasions where Martha got to be home a little extra(having taken the day off), and she was grateful for the spare time she got to spend with her best friend. There'd been a new way of life put in place for Martha once people really started hearing the name, "Mötley Crüe". And as that same name started getting recognized, Martha suddenly, started looking at a lot of what used to be free time, finally start to get used up. And as much as she loved it, every second she got finally doing something of purpose, it meant more time away from her best friend and more time around certain things she just couldn't bring herself to stand. In fact, being around it all only made her sicker. On top of it all, being around Nikki had suddenly become something irksome for Martha. She supposes having her own feelings turn on her was inevitable, yet she still shat on herself like she'd done some horrible thing. "Marty, it isn't dumb. It'd be dumb if you didn't become sick of it. Everyone does...eventually."Carmen said, putting her hand on Martha's knee. Martha was staring at the door, her attention to anything around her phasing in and out as she thought of Nikki,or the outcome of what she'd planned to do. The ashes from her cigarette flew around and landed on the floor and counter as she threw hands up. "It's not-it's not that I'm sick of it. God, it definitely isn't that but-" She stammered, unable to find the right words. "I know, and that's what I mean. Martha, you aren't this kind of person. You can't just fuck all the time...you're sensitive. You deserve something better and even you know that."Carmen said, watching carefully to see her friends reaction. Martha only sighed with dread in her eyes, bringing the cigarette back up to her lips. Carmen dusted the toast crumbs off of her hands and jumped onto the counter, next to Martha who'd rested her hands on her knees. "Don't do this to yourself babe, I know you like him but think about it, really think about it. This is all a he can give you."Carmen advised, resting her hand on Martha's free hand which was on the counter."Yeah, yeah. You're right." Martha agreed, though she hardly sounded like it. "Hey, you'll figure it out." Carmen says, shifting herself forward to jump of the counter. She needed to leave for work. "You going?" Martha asked, sighing at thr thought of having to leave as well. "Yeah, I'll see you in the morning. Stop stressing, you've got the day off, use it properly."Carmen enciuraged, though Martha felt slightly guilty, knowing that Carmen had been the one that truly needed the offday."I'll try. Go kickass at work."

It had been an hour. That's all. Martha laid flat on the living room floor, staring at the ceiling. Her glasses were thrown to the side, as were her art supplies and her pager. She'd tried keeping herself busy but after a failed attempt at drawing and a box of cigarettes that was disapearing, she suspected that productivity was not in the days agenda. She groaned loudly, staring at their house phone, hanging on the kitchen wall. They had two house phones, one for work anything unrelated to their personal lives and one for the oppsite. The actual home phone, well only five people had that number. Tommy, Slash, Samuel(Carmen's brother), Bella(Carmen's mother) and Martha's mother. And they were not to give that number to anyone else. Ever. The other one, in the kitchen, was the one they'd used for almost everything. This had been the one that Martha stared at. She looked at it with only one thought going through her mind, an idea completely unconventional and half assed. But it was all she could come up with. To call him. After groaning at herself, she finally picked herself off of the floor, dragging her feet along the wooden floor. She knew for a fact that they'd been at the studio, doing all of nothing but getting shit faced and sticking their dicks in anything that allowed. That's the main reason she just stayed away for the day. There was no literal reason she needed to come in, Tom had all that covered. 

"Hello?" Surprisingly, Doc was the one to answer the call. "Doc, hey! I didn't know you were in today."Martha said, feeling her cheeks go hot, trying not to seem suspicious."Yeah, just needed to see how things were going."He explained and then sighed. They were probably driving him up the walls."But-uh, is there something you need?" He asked directly after, not wanting to dwell long on the headache the boys were causing. "Oh God, yeah. Do you think you could get Nikki on here for me?" She told him, her voice shaking as she did so. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, hoping that Doc had not sensed her nervousness. "If you can..."She added, followed by a breathy half-laugh, Doc returned that laugh."I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult."Doc said. Martha was takem back, she knitted her eyebrows together and looked at the floor."What's that supposed to mean?" She questioned, biting her bottom lip and folding her free arm across her chest. "Nikki jumps for you, even you know that." He commented and and Martha's voice got caught in her throat for a second. "Wha-hey, no. Come on-I..."  
"I'll get him for you, Martha." He spoke over her, the smirk so evident in his voice, she almost thought he'd known. There was silence and then a some rustling. She could hear muffled voices and then finally...   
"Hey." Nikki said, dragging out the "y". She rolled her eyes at him, the momentary annoyance almost made her forget about the tightening in her chest. "Hi."Her voice was soft and sweet and she smiled. He knew she did, he could hear it in her voice."Wadya' need? Are you missing me too much?" And there's the charm, the mind-numbing charm that makes her forget anything and everything. "Well, actually..."She started and he laughed over her."Nikki. Are you guys doing anything?" Martha whined, trying to get him to listen. "Oh so you do miss me-", "Nikki,shut up. Doesn't matter if I do or don't...can you come over?" She'd become suddenly abrupt and her voice deeper, but he had no clear understanding of how to feel because at the end of it all, she's still calling him over. Though, judging from her tone, what he was meant to do when he got there was what he, hadn't been sure. What he did know, was that something was wrong. He knew that for a long while. Martha had been acting up like crazy, but only around him and only in a way where he could tell. It was all the time,but when they were alone. It was they spoke and when he said certain things, when he touched her, when he kissed her. It was different, not less wistful or ardent but something different. Like hurt. "Ten minutes babe."He whispered and hung up before she could say anything. He heard the shudder that left her lips when called her what he had. 

Martha sat in silence for what felt forever and what was only fifteen minutes in reality. She sat on the floor and stared at the clock. Much like she did on her birthday, only this time, there was hardly any peace. Instead, she felt her heart hammer against her chest while she anticipated Nikki to walk in. For him to walk up and sit right down next to her so she grab his hand, look him dead in the eyes and ask, "what the fuck are we?". Because honestly, what the fuck were they? She hated having this constant thing going on in her mind. "Is it worth it? Is he using me? Does he like me? Does he lo-..." And she's always cuts herself off from that last one,because if she wondered that about it him, it meant she felt the same way. And as much as she felt like she could love him with all her heart, she knew that she was setting herself up for heartbreak. So she stopped herself, evetytime,but she couldn't help wondering what would happen if she didn't stop herself. The door had swung open and this time, she was very aware of it. She stood up but didn't move, watching as Nikki bent into their apartment. He was wearing a black New York Dolls tank top and black pants. His eyelids were dropping and his cheecks flushed red. She didn't even want to kmow what he'd gotten up to the last few hours she hadn't seen them. "Hi."he said, standind there behind the couch."Nikki."She whispered, unable to find any actual words to say. He didn't say anything but his smile dropped and walked toward her. Martha just stood there, watching this man walk toward her. She didn't change her expression, she didn't try to speak, she just waited. Finally, he'd reached her. His hands immediately stretched out and laid them on her arms, pulling her upward as he bent over to kiss her. Martha gladly accepted, her lips immediately moving against his. Internally, she cussed herself out. She wasn't about to let him weaken her before she could say what she needed to. With that thought, she pulled away and it seemed quite abrupt though she tried her hardest to make it seem that way. "Nikki-"   
"I know. Something is fucking with you and you need to tell me."He cut her sentence short. Martha was shocked, like he pulled ths sentence straight out of her mouth. She stayed silent but her eyes widened and she stared past him. Even he was a little creeped out by the reaction but he knew better than to keep quiet,especially when it seeked like she'd never let out any words without a little aid. "Marty, just tell me."He asked, squeezing her shoulders once again."You're strangely aware for someone who isn't completely..."  
"Stop beating around the bush-"   
"I'm not!" She yelled and she saw his eyes widen. "Jesus, why the fuck you been in such a shit mood lately?" Now Nikki's voice was getting louder. "I said, I'm not!"He tone didn't get any less defemsive."Then what the fuck is this about?!"   
"Us! It's about...it's about us Nikki."Finally, the words fell from her mouth."What about us?" He asked shortly after, his voice going back to its oroginally laid back tone. "I-Nikki." she was shaking and she refused to look at him. "What is this thing, Nikki? What the fuck is it actually? Don't get me wrong, Nikki, I know you aren't big on confrontation or whatever but...I-I gotta know."She answered him, fighting hard to keep whatever confidence she thought she had."What do you mean?" He asks. Simply, plainly, it makes her groan. "Answer me." she demanded.

Nikki knew exactly what she meant, of course he was playing dumb. He'd avoid this conversation completely if he could. And maybe he still could, he felt like he needed to. He pushed any rationality to the back of his and forced a breath before stepping closer. He could feel Martha's heavy breath on his neck and he pushed his middle and forefinger unferneath her chin, pushing upward until she looked at him. "I don't know Marty, what are we? Why don't you tell me."He whispered, his fingers trailing him her side. She shuddered but said nothing, there no way she knew what to say. She couldn't believe he had turned the tables on her. Deep down Nikki hadn't done this because he wanted to avoid it (which he so badly wanted to as well) but it was to hear her say it. For her to say what she wanted, that she wanted him. Unfortunately, that was never to come,it was never to come because Martha knew Nikki too well. He doesn't know to handle things like that, like love. In the case of receiving it, he'd either completely shut off and break down or he'd go bezerk, either way, it would end with whoever on the other end being pushed away. She didn't want that. "Uh-" She stammered, looking everywhere but at him. That was enough for him, he knew she was as oblibious as he, or so that's what he'd thought. "We're just having a little fun, right? " He asked, whispering in her ear, grabbing hold of her waist. "Right?", he repeated. Though Martha felt her heart drop, she was almost relieved. Why? She couldn't say yet, but she took what she supposed was the better route. "Yeah."She whispered back, finally looking up at him and forcing a smile."Good."And once again, his lips were on hers. Soft and easy. Though they both knew it would not stay that way, Nikki allowed Martha to revel in the softness of his touch as his fingers trailed past her shirt, onto the bare skin of her sides back while her hands grabbed his wasit. Slowly, she dragged them upward, until she reached midway, before she brought them around and pressed her palms flat against his chest. Nikki's lips had detached from hers and began trailing along jer jawline until he reached her earlobe. "This isn't what you called for-" He started, biting the skin just underneath her ear. "It'll always end like this, Nikki."she ended his sentence. Nikki detached his lips from her neck and stared into her eyes."Always" 

Things didn't go fast and get heated like they usually did. Sure, they oddly didn't make it to the bedroom this time around, but there was something about the gentleness of his movements that made it feel unusual. Not a bad kind of unusual, but still, strange. He was being so careful and affectionate, Martha would forget that he wasn't in the right state of mind. They were sat on the longest couch in the living room, Martha straddling Nikki. His hands dug into her sides before gripping at the hem of her shirt. She needed no urge from Nikki, nor did she need any assistance, Martha crossed her arms over her sides and peeled the shirt she'd been wearing over her head and threw it to the side. As soon as the matrial left her hand she reached behind her and unclipped her bra, leting it fall forward. Nikki took over from there, grabbing the item at the straps and pulling it off her arms, setting it aside before he turned back to her. He kissed her hastily, distracting her to the ministration of his fingers which gripped at her breast. She whimpered slightly, bringing her hands to his hand and rabbing the pads of her fingers against his scalp. He hummed and moved his kisses southward, kissing along the middle of her neck. He bite a long line along her collar bone, until her got to her shoulder. "Hm, Nikki." She maoned, craning her neck backward as she dug further into his head. Soon, his hands that held her hips so tightly started nudging them forward. Martha moved with him, her hips sliding over his. She felt Nikki's breath stutter against the skin as slowly slid over him, back and forth. "You're fucking perfect."He groaned, letting his head fall back for a moment. Martha didn't let it go to waste, bending her head forward and delivering her own set of kisses to his jaw, neck ams shoulders. And as turned on as he was by the slowness, it began getting tedious and Nikki was growing impatient. He held tightly to her thighs and swung her to the side, laying her down gently, basking in the delighted giggles that escaped her lips. Nikki slotted himself between her legs that tightened around his waist and he crawled over her. He looked down at her with adoration, the poison running through his veins only heightening those feelings. It was overwhelming and he felt it everywhere and for a second he didn't know what to do with it. Whatever emotion he'd felt, numbed him to any sort level-headedness he might have actually had. It made him feel crazy, impulsive. "Fuck, I love you."He whispered as his fingers pushed the wasitband of her shorts down.


	14. Letter 14, And Ending Has Never Felt Better

"Letter 14;An Ending Has Never Felt Better" 

"Okay, lets just go over this real quick. At this point, I'd been told, "I love you" by five people...my entire life. By my mother, Tommy, Carmen, Slash and Will. Never by someone I liked, and it was never in that way you get told by someone you liked (and apparently, by someone who liked you back.) So when Nikki said that, I think I was sent into a mild malfunction. God knows how I mamanged to survive the entire time he was with me without freaking out a little. You must understand, this man just told me that we were nothing more than friends who were having fun and minutes later, tells me that he loves me. Of course I was a bit fuzzled in the brain, why wouldn't I be? Nikki had been the only person I'd ever been with(and Bones, of course, but you know the drama concerning that). So really, I was lost. I didn't know if there were different levels of love, or if he said it on impulse. I had no clue of anything. After he fell asleep, I kind of just laid there, staring at the window, thinking about it non-stop for hours. Even the next day, when we got to the studio, he acted as normal. Like he didn't realise what he'd said, what he'd done. That day, I'd been so out of it, even Vince noticed. And he didn't give two shits about my mood, no matter how nice he promised he'd be. (Of course, over the years, that would change). Tommy wouldn't let it go, he'd been on my ass all day. I swear I'd almost let the whole thing slip, that's how persistent he was. I'll tell you, that was the first time I'd ever felt guilty about what we were doing. Tommy was my best friend, I'd known him longer than any of the boys and I loved him. But here I was, lying through my fucking teeth because I couldn't control myself around Nikki. That was also the first time I'd actually felt alone in the situation, because I couldn't tell my one best friend and the other was probably going to be so disappointed in me. For letting it happen again, and letting it get worse. I couldn't help but ask myself, what the fuck I'd actually been doing"

"It had been a week since then and honestly, I'd never felt more relieved that nothing had happened. I'd told Carmen about the whole thing and bless her, she just hugged me and told me it'll all come together eventually. She was right though, it would eventually. "Eventually" would come a few days after she'd said that, after something pretty odd had happened..."

Carmen felt restless, she hardly got any sleep after coming home and was already out of bed by nine a.m, though her restlessness had not been the thing that shook her out of her light sleep. Rather it was the sound of two familiar voices from the living room. Just some speaking, a few giggles here and there and then the front door closing. As she walked out of her room and down the short corridor that led to the living room, she'd been surprised to find that Nikki had just left. "Good morning." Carmen said as she walked to the couch where Martha sat. "Jesus, why are you awake?" Martha asked, looking at her friend with concern. "Eh, just couldn't sleep," Carmen replied, sitting down next to Martha. "What was all the-" she started, making hand gestures toward the door. "Oh yeah-Uh, Nikki just left. Uh, he had...stuff." Martha drastically stumbled over her words as she explained. "Wha-did something happen?" Carmen questions, noticing Martha's obvious bewilderment. "You guys uh-" Carmen started again, trying to make this easier for Martha, who really seemed to battle with her words. "Oh God no! We didn't..."Martha began."We didn't...do anything" Every sentence came out in broken lines, a failed attempt at trying to explain the strange events of the previous night. "What do you mean?" Carmen questioned, leaning forward with eyes wide as she tried to clear the lines for herself, she was unable to. "I mean...We didn't-"Martha still struggled with her words, "You didn't have sex?"  
"No, we fucking did not."Martha defended, her pitch raising as did the volume of her voice."So what the fuck did he come over for?" Carmen continued to question, her face further contorting as her confusion increased. Martha didn't say anything, rather she looked dead ahead as she sighed. "Okay, well-" 

Martha gradually explained through thr events of the pervious night. Of how, Nikki had stumbled past the door in an intoxicated stupor, one of more intensity than she'd seen before. He'd outdone himself, really. Martha was half asleep, eyelids already feeling bolted close. She could, however, still make out the sounds around her, her consciousness having not completed in fading out. That was when she'd heard the abrupt bashing of the front door against its frame, so constant that it seemed as though it hadn't registered to whoever was on the other side that door had been locked. Needless to say, he'd grasped at door handle and quite relentlessly, bashed it in and out until he heard her annoyed groans, telling him that she'd be right there. Martha wouldn't say she'd been surprised to find him standing leaning over, an inebriated, smiling mess. "Nikki-" she'd remembered whispering in her drowsy state. His name became almost instinct at that point, like it had replaced any form of greeting. "Hiiii." He slurred at her, leaning himself against the doorframe for surport that his legs no longer provided him. It went by the usual way. He'd gave a her a quick kiss before he let himself in, almost toppling the coffee table over as he struggled to see ahead of him. There were hardly any words said between the two, Martha being groggy and frustrated and Nikki being plastered beyond belief. "What the hell did you do?" Martha had asked, holding his face firmly in her palms and forcing him to look up her. He looked terrible, his hair had been wildly standing about, and not like the purposefull ratting they'd done. His eyes were so blown, with only a the thinnest rim of dark green. "Hey, beautiful."he disregarded her question, rubbing his cheek against her palm."I missed you."He continued, beginning to feather his lips against her fingers."You saw me today."she defended, though her voice stayed soft and hushed tone."Hm, that was a long time ago."He responded, eyes shutting as they rested in her hands."You look terrible."She commented, though she dared not move her hands away from his face."Where you asleep?"He asked her, finally looking up at her through blurred vision, thinking very carefully about his words that required effort to say. She hummed, pulling him a little further until his lay in her chest."I wanna go back to sleep."Martha admitted, laying her head onto his, crossing her arms over his shoulders. He hummed too, feeling his body become heavy under the strain it had been under after the major (inordinary) drug intake."Me too."He whispered after a while, a shiver surpassing his lips as he felt his body began to shut down. Martha figured something was wrong. He was shaking and lacked the enthusiasm she came to know him for. Without any outer words, she pushed herself back out, holding him at the shoulders and taking him in. The blue, purple under his eyes, how his breathing had become so audible. "Come on."She said, tugging at his shoulders, willing him to stand for a just a few seconds as they walked back to her room. A path that had become all too familiar to Nikki at this point, although he needed some help getting there. They breathed heavily as they laid down, face to face. "You feeling alright?"Martha remembered asking but never getting an answer. Rather, Nikki placed a sweet kiss to her lips settling his chin atop her head.

"Excuse me, what?" Carmen, Martha there, her eyebrow raised and the side of her mouth twitched. "Yeah-" Was all Martha said, slowly turning to face her best friend. "That's kind of-"   
"Yes." It was, after all, a very weird thing that happened. If Martha hadn't said Nikki's name at all, Carmen wouldn't have even thought about him at all. "What are you going to do?" Came Carmen's final question, knowing exactly what had been on Martha's mind. Which was exactly that, what to do. How to have all these things laid out and explained to her all while being given what she knew was impossible from the most difficult man she'd come across since William Bailey. What to do, indeed. 

~  
As the day wore on, the total lack in interest and attention displayed by Martha had become increasingly alarming. Tommy had realized when he'd spoken an entire fifteen minutes while not a word had registered in her mind. Though he had spoken solely of nonsense that held no serious basis, he was still shocked to find that she hadn't heard a single thing. "Martha? Hey!" He tried getting her attention by snapping his fingers in front of her, attempting to break her distant glare. "Hm, what?" She asked, though she did not hage any intention of refocusing. "Where the fuck are you right now?" He asked, she didn't answer. Tommy groaned, staring at her with annoyance and confusion. Why was she so distracted? What's making her act this way? Why hasn't she told me yet? That last question played on his mind a little too much for his own liking,thinking of the way she would tell him anything and everything in a heartbeat. Tommy hadn't realized that there would be some things, she just couldn't say out loud. Though those were many things, she knew that what had been on her mind was not one. It was not something she could just say in her mind a hundred times and it'll get better. There had been some more confronting to do, and this time, that would be it. No longing staring, no guards being broken down. Martha had to stand firm with one of the biggest weaknesses she'd ever known. 

The trick had been to corner Nikki, when he was alone as well as being out of sight. Knowing how the boys had been hardwired, being alone had not been one of those normal things. To see them without a blonde or two attached to their hip was a rarety. Martha sat alone, her knee bouncing madly as she scanned every corner of the crowded room. And though her eyes seemed focused, she'd gone without het glasses and was left with only the blurred outlines of what was actually there. She had no idea why she'd done that, it's not like she could miss Nikki if she wanted to. So with a churning stomach and the remnants of nicotine on her lips, Martha made a go for it. Nikki and Vince were sat together, a couple of silver trays thrown around on the table already provided explanation for their unreasonably, loud giggles. "Ooh, here comes the commander."Vince said, straightening his back out as she neared. Martha only rolled her eyes, dismissing Vince in an instant. Looking at Nikki, silently pleading for him for the few minutes she'd promised herself it'll take. Luckily, Nikki knew her expressions all too well and without any words to Vince, Nikki stood amd walked ahead. "Looks like he don't wanna be around you-"   
"Oh shut it, Vince."

"Nikki-Fuck, why are you walking so fast?" Martha shouted as she struggled to cover the same ground that his long legs had carried him in the last few minutes. Martha had a her fair whack of elbows and backhands to her arms and head, trying to maneuver her way to him. He walked with such vigour for someone who could barely see an inch in front of him and that's not even mentioning the heels. "Could you stop...for a second-please!" she yelled from a few feet behind him, ducking underneath a randoms arm, trying to push past the doorway. That, she'd finally done, when he was finally some ways into the parking lot, still very much ahead of her. "Why-fuck me, why did you come out here?" Martha questioned as she closed up on him, standing an arms distance from him as his back faced her. "I didn't want you to do this in front of anyone-" He started, turning on his heel to finally face her. While she could quite easily make out just whereabout his features were, it was damn near impossible for her to paint an exact emotion over them. If the total lack of light didn't do a disservice, then the fact that she'd gone without her glasses under the darkness of the midnight sky had been the reason for her difficulty. "You don't even know what I'm going to say."She stated as she took a small step forward in attempts to see him better."I bet, I do."He whispered, smirking down at her. With the wit in his tone and the sure raise of his eyebrow told Martha that he may have assumed that this would end similarly to her last confrontation. Unbeknownst to her, Nikki had already readied himself to speak the exact thoughts that invaded Martha's thoughts of recent. "I bet-" He began, and this time he'd been the one to take another step. "Mh-m?" she hummed playfully, putting her hands behind her back. "It's about last week. Or...what I said last week."He finished, a sure fire way of causing her little smile to vanish quite completely. And it had, expectantly so."Oh, yeah-"Martha sucked in a breath and straightened her back, bringing her arms to dangle at her sides. When she'd looked up at him, he was still smiling, although this time it seemed more sorrowful than anything. Like he'd expected something worse to come, like he knew exactly what would happen. "I-uh. I...fuck. I don't know what to say."She admitted, bringing her fingers together in a tight knot as she wracked her brains for the correct words to say, and the correct way to say it."This is hard."She'd added, once again finding his stare to be too intense. Her eyes flickered to the ground and then to her shoes, then to an empty car to her left. A considerate huff came from Nikki, as he shuffled on his unsteady feet before grabbing her by the chin, forcing her to set her eyes on him. "Don't make it harder."He told her, his jaw very obviously set. He wasn't very good at showing any sort of feelings so that was the only hint Martha was going to get. That this, what she was about to do, was going to be as hard on him as it would be for her."Did you mean it?" She asked, unanticipatedly, abrupt. It caught him off guard because he was sure that Martha had known not to put him in situations like that. What was he supposed to say to her? There was no provoking in the air, no situation with a level of intensity that made him combust with the very feeling he wouldn't dare speak of otherwise. There was nothing there to brace the fall like an instant kiss to make her forget the words he'd struggled to cover up. Or a smack to the shoulder to show that it was all play. But that's just it, none of it was play. Nikki resented that he'd figured it out and even worse, he'd let Martha in on it. God knows that he never wanted any of this to be the way that it was, not really. Maybe he'd made it seem like that to her, but whatever was on the outside was a big cover up. And that goes so much more further than Nikki going so far as to fuck up and involve as innocent as Martha. He stayed silent, watching her for a few moments before swallowing hard. He tried to force the words out but his own voice had betrayed him, locking the sound up in his throat. Eventually, after minutes of him opening his mouth and closing it immediately after, he'd snapped his head in the other direction and nodded. Once he'd given the confirmation, he heard a shudder come from Martha. As though it was the last thing she'd wanted to hear. "Damnit. I mean, fuck. I mean that-that makes this fucking worse because how am I supposed to just say that it's the same for me right before I tell you-" and she'd stopped. Dead in the middle of her sentence as she watched Nikki's eyes widened and return to normal as he processed what she'd said."You?"   
"Yes, me! What the fuck do you think, idiot? You think I would've let you-let that happen if I didn't feel what I did? Nikki, I'm not like that, I'm not like you guys. What did you think?" He didn't say anything as he folded his arms over his chest. "But-but I know you, Nikki Sixx. You can't handle this. You need someone, you always will. But you crack and...it's not your fault. I get that. I can't put you through that and I won't force you either. And I can't do it to myself either,because at what point would I stop wanting more?"   
"This is all I can give you, Martha."He spoke, finally, his tone dismal and bitter."I know that,and like I said, it's not your fault. But I can't do that anymore."She told him, fingers wrapping tightly around his. He nodded again, this time though, he looked at her."I'm-" He started but squeezed his eyes shut, unable to get the words over the lump that haf grown in his neck. "I am too."

When she smiled brightly at him, he almost wanted to laugh. A second ago, her voice had cracked so hard, he thought that she'd cry. And now, it looked as though she didn't have a single care in the world. "You're unbelievable."He joked, smacking her shoulder and laughing."Is this going to be awkward now or..."He said after, straightening back up to tower over her."Pfft, as if. You know, I'm literally not allowed to not go anywhere with you. Even if it was, not much is going to change."She cleared, swaying on her feet."Except, I won't be in your bed every night-", "Ugh, Nikki! Shut up."She play whined, twiddling with her fingers before she rested them on her arm."It's just unfortunate timing there, Sixx. I'm okay." Martha explained, still holding a smile that seemed more sadder. "I'm happy you are." He whispered to her. With that, he placed a kiss to her forehead, holding just a few seconds longer than he usually would. "Shall we go?"He asked, with an accent she couldn't quite place."We shall."She entertained, walking beside him as they made their way back into the building. This time, Martha did not struggle nearly as much as she death gripped at his jacket. He too, made sure that she wouldn't receive any more abuse to her head and/or face. Finally, when they reached the main area where they'd started off, they stood at the entrance with disoriented smiles on their face. A tall brunette with heels that that looked piercing caught Nikki's attention, beckoning him with a single finger and smile through blood red lips. He was already smirking at her. "You good?" He asked, wanting to make sure that it was okay to leave her on her own. "Oh, yeah. I'm going-" and she pointed to Tommy, who was already sitting there where she'd sat at first with. Awaiting her with a puppy like excitement. The two of them walked off into their separate directions, feeling better than they had when the night brought them in.


	15. Letter 15,Shout In The U.K

"Letter 15, Shout In The U.K"

"Okay! That's finally over,and I bet you're feeling a little relieved. I know I am, after writing about all of that and forcing myself to remember that stuff. Well, I suppose it wasn't necessarily bad or anything, but hey, I'm sure you can agree that it wasn't the healthiest thing on earth. Things started looking pretty good for me after that, as for Nikki and I, we never stopped being close friends"

"The year 1983,was a year of note. Although, it was some of the most fun I've had all my life, it was definitely one of the strangest years I'd experienced. That, being the year of Shout At The Devil. I won't lie, having my name written in the thin, red letters under the title of record producer was one of the most exhilarating things I'd accomplished all my life. But, the rewards were only given at the end of what I thought was the most chaotic year these boys would give me. I was greatly mistaken, and would be proven so over the next couple years. That aside, the year brought the most out-of-the ordinary events I'd never thought I'd have to deal with in my life. Along with producing their music, I had been given the oh-so lovely job of designated babysitter. Do you know what that means? It means that I had to go everywhere they went, do what they did and provide exceptional reasoning everytime they'd caused disorder. Everytime they broke something, or hurt someone. I essentially, became "responsible" for Mötley Crüe. Which was why, I had my ass full of these directors who wouldn't stop breathing down my neck because of the so-called "devils work" that I'd been letting them get away with in the studio. Listen, how Nikki came to the conclusion of the album name was nothing short of fucked up and macabre, but trust me, he fell a little short if he decided suddenly decided on the devils work, whatever the fuck that means."

"He'd moved in with Lita Ford, and while there, he started experimenting with some stuff that was-it was fucked. Thing is, for the first little while, it was slipping straight from under my nose. Firstly, because I had not lived with them and was not being informed of the goings on of that house and second, I was such a big Lita fan that I almost forgot everyone around me existed when I saw her. The two of us would speak for hours and somehow, she hadn't let slip the not so normal goings on in her house. The objects that would move around on their own accord, or the sounds they'd heard. Nikki admitted that he, was only messing around in hopes to piss off the conservatives. God knows, he was messing with the wrong shit. I had to convince him it was the side effects of the increasing amount of cocaine he'd(as did Tommy and Vince) started taking in. Nikki trusted me and for a little while, he believed me. After the unpredictable success of Shout At The Devil, two words that would soon become my worst enemy started getting thrown around. Which words? "Tour Dates." If there's one thing that had been proven to be true, is that Mötley Crüe were an actual shitshow to deal with. They weren't called Mötley for nothing. Though I was very aware to their wild behavior, nothing could've braced me for the force we would have to reckon with. And this would soon become clear to me at a Monsters Of Rock, 1984. *

-England,1984-  
Martha felt her palms vibrate against her thighs as she awkwardly stood away from the bottom area where the bands had gathered. She looked down, her eyes darting quickly from one place to another, being careful to divert her gaze from each person quickly so as not to make them uncomfortable, should they catch her oggling. Who would her calmness be kidding though, her heart was hammering so hard that she could hear the sound in her ears. This had the first time she'd ever been out of the country, taking on her first ever job as the official caretaker, to watch every move of Mötley Crüe. Not only was that going to be one of hardest jobs she'd ever face due to their outrageous behavior but that had become significantly more difficult when there were two specific bands playing The Monsters that year that had Martha about ready to K. O.  
She was looking at Malcolm Young, wondering how on earth she'd survive when she eventually had to go down there and actually, interact. With ACDC? Didn't sound very realtistic to her no matter how many times she thought about it. Quickly though, her eyes shot in a different direction and landed on someone else. Martha's heart just about jumped out of her throat, as she recognized none other than Alex Van Halen himself. She knew Van Halen would be performing at the festival that year, but by God, she knew that there was no way to possibly prepare for when she actually saw them in the flesh. 

This was the first time in the last few hours they'd been in England where Martha had actually came into this little backstage place. Before that, she'd spent hours going over schedules and reviews with Doc while simultaneously trying too cool herself down as she thought more and more about meeting her favourite band. In those few hours, it seemed like the boys had already acquainted themselves with the other bands that had been there. From there, she could see Vince and Tommy buddying it up with Sami Yaffa and Nasty Suicide of Hanoi Rocks. Mick himself sat in a corner with Mike Monroe. Though she was happy that this is all they were doing and since they'd been in sight, everything was safe, she was very wary of the fact that Nikki had been missing from her view. Instantly, her heart rate picked up as she instinctively searched around for him. Before she could even spot that little devil, a commotion sounded. Her head snapped in the direction of a shrill squeal, one she couldn't quite easily recognize but before she could even react to that situation, another echoed and this time, that of a female's. When she looked in the direction of the woman's shriek, to her horror, she'd seen Eddie Van Halen capsized on his back. And on top of him, Vince, teeth sunk deep into Eddie's wrist. Martha was quick on her feet, moving before she could even think about it.

"These fucking idiots. " she thought to herself, running down the short staircase to see the damage. She stopped at the end of the staircase, staring out in abhorrence, on both sides of the room, Nikki and Vince were receiving a mouthful ,ironically , not from the people they'd bitten. Closer to her, the ever beautiful, rage-full Valerie Bertinelli, screaming her head off at Vince who'd dared bite the legendary hand of her husband, Eddie Van Halen. "The hands he uses to play-" Martha heard her. On the other end, even worse according to her, was little ol' Malcolm Young with steam blowing out of his ears. He was sizing Nikki up, well as much as his height allowed him to. He was so ready to fight and Martha couldn't help but feel anxious as Nikki didn't step down. "You and what step-ladder?" Nikki questioned, with utmost cockiness in his tone, she would slap him if she could. Malcolm swung for Nikki and if it weren't for Doc's quick feet, she was sure he would land a nice one on Nikki. Where though, she wasn't sure. While this had been happening, Angus Young(who Nikki actually bit) had began walking away from the situation, looking way too unbothered by the whole thing to make any attempts at de-escalation. Martha watched him with big eyes, as he passed her, flashing her a smile on his way to join the rest his band mates. She damn near lost her balance as she breathed heavily, smiling back the best she could without freaking out. And though, she wanted to just stand there and revel in the fact that she'd just been acknowledged by Angus Young himself, there was a job at hand. Gaining herself, she took in a deep breath before walking over to Nikki, her face twisting so that he knew he was in trouble, if he didn't already. "What the fuck, Sixx?" she grumbled, folding her hands over her chest ans raising an eyebrow at him. He only laughed at her, paying more attention to Vince who'd walked behind her. "Dude, EVH? You're looking to get killed." He commented, about ready to high five Vince on landing the victim. Martha was hardly impressed and began getting frustrated with after basically being ignored. "You bastard. This is not funny, you guys-there's literally no point to this stupid game."She spoke over them, catching their amused gazes. She was talking about this dumb joke they'd all started of biting each other. They'd catch each other off guard and near mutilate each other with how deep they bit sometimes.   
It was unnecessary and fucking gross. Martha couldn't believe the amount of times she'd catch Tommy, Nikki and Vince with blood or their lips and/or teeth. She never thought they'd go as far as to pull their shit on those uninvolved, especially people as important as Angus Young or Eddie Van Halen. Who the fuck did they think they were? Martha knew that at this point, talking to them about these things, asking them to calm down, was beyond futile. Any attempts would go to waste. So why did she expect that this time around, it would miraculously penetrate their thick skulls? She didn't. What she didn't expect, was in response to her light, necessary bitching was Vince's rough fingers on her wrist. Before she could retaliate, she was hurled forward, her chest hitting his, and as she was about to ask him just what he thought he was doing, she felt the razor sharpness of teeth, cut through the skin in her neck. "Ah-fuck!" She yelled, pulling herself away from him with the same, hard force he'd used as she shoved her palms into his stomach. He lost balance for a few seconds, stumbling backward. He caught himself quickly, he and Nikki exchanged slaps on the back in the obnoxious boyish manner they insist on portraying. "You piece of shit-" She growled, holding her neck tightly as Vince backed away, smirking at Martha as he ran his tongue over his teeth. "That was kind of mental."Someone said from behind her. With her fingers still clamped around her wound, Martha twirled on jer heel."The biting, or Mötley Crüe?" She asked, walking toward him. "Bi' o' bof really."He replied, picking up a plastic cup."I'm Razzle, by ve' way."


	16. Letter Sixteen, I Make Friends

"Letter Sixteen, I Make Friends" 

"I have no words. 'Till this day, I can barely find the right words to explain just how ridiculous Mötley Crüe could get. Every time that I would stop and think, "well, damn. There's no way, they could get much worse than this.". I was gravely mistaken, for many years of my life."

"Acording to my contract with Elektra Records in my dealings with Mötley Crüe, I-under no circumstances-could be apart from them for as long as I'd had my eyes opened. That called for long hours on end of mind numbing, catastrophe. One after the fucking other. There were days where even the boys tried their best to steer clear of me in order to stay out of the firing zones. What can I say? They made me a tad bit grumpy. But all that aside, how could I lie? I can confidently admit that I had some of the best times on the road with those morons. I absolutely loved going all over the world, to all these crazy places. The best part though, the absolute best part abou it, was all the friends I'd made. Did you know that the first ever friends I'd made, aside from David Lee Roth, was Metallica? In 1982(which was actually before Kirk had joined, but I befriended him pretty quickly too) when Lars picked a fight with the boys simply because they dressed "weird". I remember grabbing James by the pants and demanded he sort his drummers shit out, but eventually once that all fizzled out, they turned out to be really great guys. And now, at Monsters,well-"

Martha hadn't even the slightest idea of what to do in the next forty minutes that had been freed up. Finally, the boys were on stage, playing for the thousands that turned up for the show. They were playing Shout At The Devil, in all its controversial glory. Martha couldn't understand what on Earth the song could possibly be about, nor did she find it necessary to try and figure it out. The process of recording that album alone had been slightly nightmarish,in its own astounding way. They were always mesmerizing to watch, all four of them,but at some point, she felt the same nerves Tommy had earlier when he'd spewed his guts all over the side stage seconds before they had to go on. She knew they could handle themselves, she knew what the songs sounded like, she wanted to be away for a few seconds. Minutes. The first few minutes she'd had to herself in months. Finally, after averting her gaze to side, awkwardly locking it with Tom and then finally looking away, Martha began to back away. As soon as she was sure she felt the air began to properly filter through her lungs, she turned on her heel. "Oh fuck-" she near yelled, feeling her forehead come into contact with a surface before really registering that something had been in front of her. It was a dull pain, barely deserving of a pained groaned. The sound that surpassed her lips weren't that of pain either, rather, it was a soft and drawn out whimper, almost. A tone of shock and disbelief as Martha rambled out an apology, one she couldn't quite finish once she'd realised just what she'd bumped into, or who. "I-oh my God, I'm so sorry!" She let out a whisper-yell of panic, clutching the part of her forehead that hit his. "That's quite alright love-" he mumbled out, smiling his renowned crooked smile. She let out a long croaking sound before letting her mouth run once more. "I-what? I mean, fuck, hey, hi. I'm Martha." She blurted, gawking with wide eyes. "I know."He says, still smiling."I think everyone does. I'm Angus."He introduces himself, something Martha found simply ridiculous at that time. Was he really introducing himself as if there had been some person on planet earth who hadn't heard of Angus Young. She would've scoffed had she not been so dumbfounded. The idea of talking to him, on its own seemed only dream-worthy, like something that wouldn't happen. Couldn't happen. But here he is. "I-I know."She found herself whispering, not being able to understand exactly why she'd found it necessary to do so. At her comment, Angus let out a chuckle as he clasped his hands behind his back. While he found her nervousness amusing, Martha had ahout a million questions she so badly wanted to ask him, but couldn't find the mind or ability to say it. Her mouth lingered open a few seconds, hoping that her brain would just shuffle the thoughts and throw one out for Angus to catch. But before Martha could finish the Russian roulette of thoughts, her ever-darting eyes had caught sight of a the nastiest bite wound she'd seen in a long while, right about his color bone. Due to the white button up Angus had worn, the entire bite mark was not completely visible. Yet, the red and purple of the wounded skin was close to impossible to not notice, especially when Martha knew exactly how Angus had acquired such a mark. She hissed lightly, allowing her annoyance at Nikki distract her from the fact of the situation. "Holy shit. Nikki did that you?" She questioned, though it was more rhetorical. Angus eyed it himself, grimacing at it like he'd thought back to how he'd got it. "It's fine. Doesn't hurt much. Seems like they got a pretty good one on you too." He said, referring to the bite mark, similar to his, that was on her upper neck. Nothing she could hide. "Yeah. The shit I go through with those assholes."She complained, rubbing over the spot as she remembered having it."How exactly, do you deal with them?" He questions, starting to walk, obviously wanting her to walk with him. Asking questions now? He's trying to kill her. Though, Martha's own thoughts rung so loud, she barely could catch a beat of what he was really trying to say to her because of how in awe she'd been. That, and the fact that he'd just told her that he'd somehow already knew who she was. How could he have known something like that? She'd literally just arrived, and unless he'd felt the need to ask about her or somehow decided to look at Mötley Crüe's record producer beforehand, there was no way Martha could understand. Nevertheless, filled with anxious reluctance,Martha followed the guitarist. Her nails dug deep into the flesh of her palms as she made fists at her sides, trying not to freak out. "I-uh, I don't. What I mean is, I don't really have to. Not a lot of the time anyways. On most good days, they listen. Or, they listen to me, at least. Except for Vince, sometimes. He never listens to me, well, you know how these singers can be-" Martha suddenly and abruptly stopped her sentence, momentarily squeezing her shut and shaking her head before continuing."I talk so much-I'm sorry" and to that, Angus laughs again. "Never mind all that, I like talking to someone who isn't out of their mind." He whispers, staring her in the eyes. "Well uh, that isn't completely true Angus."Martha said, squeezing her eyes closed as she did earlier, embarrassed that she didn't ask if she could call him by his name first."Fuck-"  
"You're a funny little girl, "Angus comments, flashing his teeth, already beginning to back away toward his band  
"Martha."Her name is his final word to her before he spins over and heads back. Martha raises a hand, wanting to call out and apologize for her actions once more but before she could even assemble another sentence in her mind, her name is called out again. A different voice, in a different direction. So soft that the wailing of Mick's guitar almost drowned it out, but Martha's ears were sharp and though she's barely caught it, she did. Her head snapped in the in the other direction, staring directly at the source of the voice. It had been Hanoi Rick's Sami Yaffa, standing over her with a goofy smile. Of course Martha had already known the bassist but not to a personal extent and once again, could not understand how this person may have already known her. "H-hi." She stammered, looking at his goofy smile and wondering what he'd been thinking. "Well, I noticed you're alone-" he started, but Martha quickly interjected, feeling uneasy as she watched Razzle and Nasty snicker from behind them. She'd hoped this hadn't been some sort of joke. "I was just with Angus." She grumbled out, hoping that whatever joke they were seemingly ready to play on her would fizzle with her annoyance. "Yeah I saw. But he's gone now and-" He stops, scratching the top of his head and looking back before continuing, "Okay, I've been wanting to meet you since two hours ago and Razzle said you were cool so..." And it was only then, after Sami awkwardly contorted his face away from her ans she'd noticed Razzle's hopefull smile did she realize that there was no joke waiting to be played here. Not everyone was Mötley Crüe, she supposed.

"I'm sorry, what?" Sami questioned, looking at Martha with wide eyes. "What? I like getting them."Martha admitted, holding something playfully dangerous in her smirk as she allowed the boys to examine her tattoos. At that point, it had been no secret that Martha had tattoos. But most people, like the boys in Hanoi or Mötley Crüe even, had only a few here and there scattered over there arms. Too little to even count as a defining trait. Martha on the other hand, nearly close to a sleeved forearm on the one hand had been the total opposite. And when she'd shared that she was close to about sixty tattoos, her new friends couldn't quite believe it. As such, Sami and Razzle had taken it upon themselves to count all of them, to see if she were telling the truth,while the intrigued eyes of Andy McCoy and Nasty Suicide watched from the opposite side of the table they'd sat at. Her arms were laid across the table, while Razzle and Sami gripped tightly at them, looking through each design when she'd told them that not all her tattoos were on her arms. "God woman, where else could they be?" Razzle asked, looking down at her as though he could see through her black jeans. She'd looked up at Razzle, smiling sweetly, scrunching her nose in a teasing way. She wasn't going to tell. "You're like, a fucking kid right? How do you have more than all of us combined?" Nasty questioned, holding his cup firmly in his hand as he pointed two fingers at her. "Firstly, I'm twenty. Secondly, I happen to like tattoos very much. I had a lot of ideas and a lot of free time before Mötley Crüe came along."She explained, pulling her small arm free of Sami's grip, bringing it to her pocket to grab a cigarette."So you got most of these before you started hanging with them. God-" Nasty commented, looking her up and down in a way that made her very uncomfortable. Awkwardly, she cleared her throat as she pulled her other arm away from Razzle, fishing for her lighter in her back pocket."Hold on now. I thought you were twenty one." Razzle says, obviously recalling a conversation they'd had earlier. "I mean,technically, I'm not twenty one just yet. My birthday is in September."She explained, brining her cigarette up to her lips in the process."So Nasty ain't too wrong then. You are a bi' of a baby."Razzle teases, winking at her when she playfully sticks her tongue out. His smile hadn't faulted and for a second, Martha had forgotten to look away. But that hadn't been the weirdest part, no, the weirdest part is that it seemed that Razzle had also forgotten to look away too. Though it had not been awkward at all, Martha did find it strange. As someone who can get very uncomfortable and very uneasy very quickly,Martha couldn't even look at a picture for too long before she felt the shivers going up her spine. Yet, that didn't happen,and the only reason she'd ended up pulling out of the stare(she really had to tear her eyes away from him) was when she's heard a big cheer coming from the stage area. The crowd was fucking amazing and if anything, only have the bands the ego booster they'd deserved. Too bad Martha wasn't exactly one to deal with that. She trained her eyes intensely on the small trail that led up from the side stage, to the back where they'd sat. Quickly and , the boys around her fell completely silent as she raises her free hand to her lips, indicating that she'd like for them to be quiet for a few seconds. First Mick has trudged past, handing his guitar to one of the roadies. He didn't do much to establish any communication between anyone and made a direct beeline for the bar. Then the other three, stomping by in their huge leather boots. Martha raised her cigarette up, pushing it toward Razzle so that hey could take it. And once it was out of her hand, she'd waisted no time in bringing her booted feet up as she climbed off of the chair and straight onto the table, paying no mind to the potential dangers she could've stepped on. Quietly but quickly, she scampered past the table, earning a few concerned stares from the members at the table she'd sat at. Just as Vince has walked his pretty ass to the middle of their table, she grabbed him. With much ease, she's hauled herself off of the table, jumping onto his back and wrapping her legs tightly around his waist. Before anyone had any time to precess exactly what she'd been doing, her mouth was on his neck and her teeth was being sunk deep into the flesh over there. She wouldn't lie, it was slightly disgusting when the skin broke and she could taste the metal of his blood on her tongue. Her teeth were covered, she could tell, by the sound of his aggrevated swears made the grossness worth it. "Ugh, get off me you little bitch!" Vince growled. Martha's grip on his shoulders and waist did not faulter as long as he srruggled. Tommy stood and stared, smiling widely in shock at what he witnessed. Vince's hand come up to hers, digging past them in attempts to pry himself from her clutches. Finally, he'd thought he'd done it when he felt her grip loosen and she'd jumped off him. He turned around, watching as the evil in her eyes grew as quick as her smirk. Her two front teeth had the fainted tint of red. Vince could feel the burn in his neck, the broken skin crying for help and care. He begrudgingly ignored it as he watched her back away slowly, making sure to throw him both middle fingers on the way. "Bite that, bitch."She shouted, finally turning around and walking toward Tommy who immediately grabbed her into a bear hug as she neared him."She's as fuh-ckin' mental as the 'hole lo'."Andy said, looking as Vince angrily stomped away, paying absolutely zero attention to the ugly red spot of blood and bruise on his neck."You're fucking right mate."Razzle agreed, staring at her through big and shiny eyes."Fucking crazy"


	17. Letter Seventeen, Tommy Needs To Be Stopped

Letter Seventeen;Tommy Needs to he stopped 

"Listen, Tommy isn't my best friend for nothing. It's almost as if we share the same brain, which came quite in handy when we were on tour, if I do say so myself. But it got on my nerves, at the best of times, because he could read my mind. And he called me out on my shit a lot of time, especially when I didn't want him to. I think he knew me too well, and he knew that sometimes, I needed to hear something even if I didn't want to. No lie, I did the same to him, just as much."

" I also realised something, during Monsters that year. After meeting up with the boys in '82, as much as Tommy and I had boasted of how close we are, we hadn't spent time with each other like we did in highschool. Other than fucking around with Nikki, I was responsible for them and he and Vince really kept my hands full. Mick hardly needed any maintenance and Tommy, well, he tried not to fuck me up as much as the other two. Which is pretty ironic if you consider the fact that Tommy and Nikki are notoriously known for causing the most chaos, you know, together. Yet, they always chose to spare me. I have no idea if it was because they were scared to, if they actually cared or of it were both. (I'd be pretty flattered if it were both, to be honest.). But you know, Tommy and I never lost sight of our respect and love for each other,and once I realized that I wasn't about to let that fizzle out just because of my job, I guess I felt determined to make sure it never happened."

" At that point, I hadn't been sick for a good five years. And the idea of a life threatening sickness started fading with each day,but it can't be truly forgotten. So when Tommy said something to me that really got my gears turning, well, I freaked. Who wouldn't? I just began to suddenly become very aware of my life at that point and what could possibly happen to me, especially when I'd randomly started running out of air one morning."

~Last Day Of Monsters Of Rock~

Tommy and Martha walked to the front area, Martha's arms wrapped tightly around Tommy's. The roadies already had their bags ready to be taken to the airport. Monsters was moving East, and the show was about ready to hit the road, exclusive of Mötley Crüe who'd be leaving to join much more chaotic company. That company being, Ozzy Osbourne himself, on his Bark At The Moon tour as a special opening act. How exciting. Martha, being quite the fan herself, could hardly imagine ever meeting Ozzy, now (having been forced to go everywhere with the boys) would spend the next three months as the babysitter to the opening act. But who was she kidding? She knew exactly what kind of behaviour and activities went on around Ozzy and his crew, and from what she heard, it's a hundred times over what Mötley Crüe ever put her through. Imagining the boys together with Ozzy sent a shiver down her spine and she audibly shivered, especially when taking into consideration the haunting symptoms she'd started feeling that she identified a little too well, earlier in the week. "What?" Tommy questioned, squinting his eyes down at his best friend. "Nothing, nerves."She brushed it off, feeling her speech capabilities disintegrate with the moments."Hm, are you nervous to meet Ozzy, or for us to cause shit after we meet Ozzy?" He questioned, accompanied by a goofy smile since he already knew the answer to her question. "Fine, don't answer that, try this one dude. What's with the heart eyes that you keep throwing at Razzle?" Tommy questioned once more and somehow, even though thought impossible, his smile grew and this time, there was an obvious cockiness behind it. Martha, on the other hand, had anything but smiled. Her face scrunched up comically and her eyes widened as she looked up at Tommy. "I'm sorry what?" She asked, as though she hadn't understood the first time around. Tommy, had been very aware that she hadn't missed the question the first time and did not repeat himself. He only smirked down at her, his eyes twinkling as though he knew something."Really, Tommy. Are we doing this-again?" she complains, referring Tommy's persistent digging when he'd first proclaimed that Martha had the hots for Nikki,and while he may not have been wrong, he was still an annoying piece of shit so Martha wouldn't give in. And she wouldn't now either, especially because she had no idea what Tommy was talking about. Yeah, before she maybe have been irritated mainly because it was true. She did like Nikki. But now, with Razzle? She had no idea where he pulled that shit from. "Again? Martha the last time this happened was like...two years ago, dude. It's me you're talking to, I fall in love like every other day. You don't have to be like, embarrassed."He rambled, squeezing her arm tighter in attempts to lesson her aggrevation."There's nothing to be embarrassed about Tommy. I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't like-","Uh,yeah you do."He cuts her off and this time, she has no words. Not for the first few seconds anyways because she was truly astounded."You-Tommy. I-,I don't even know what I want right now, how could you?" She spoke the words as they came to her mind. She suddenly became very conscious of the last two days events, scanning every moment with Razzle to determine if she'd truly given off the sense that she may have been interested."You're kidding right? I'm your fucking best friend dude, I know your mind. Better than you sometimes, looks like it."Suddenly, Tommy became very loud and Martha grew nervous. People were around. She wondered if anyone had heard."Okay, you're being ridiculous. There's no way you could possibly-"  
"Oh come on Marty, it's been years now. You know I can fuckin' read your mind, just like I know you can read mine. I wouldn't be surprised you find me my wife one day. And I'll know nothing about it."He comintued with his nonsense rambling. This time, Martha truly found herself speechless. What do you say to something like that? Especially(and unfortunately) when there's some truth found in it. Martha couldn't deny it, she and Tommy knew each other better than anyone could. Martha knows things he would say, moments before he did and he'd know exactly how she was feeling even if she said the opposite. The normal best friend kind of stuff you know? It just starts getting a bit hectic when throwing the kind of life Martha and Tommy lived into the mix. After coming into contact with all these guys, one of them is bound to get Martha's attention,even if she insists on being a brick wall when it came to relationships. Maybe that's why Tommy could see that kind of things quicker than she ever could,because he honestly dealt with falling in and out of love more times than either of them could remember. Maybe it seemed a little childish, of course, but he's experience didn't lie. With love and with Martha. She hated it,because counting said experience as well as his closeness with Martha, Tommy was hardly ever wrong in any accusations he's made over the years. Which can be pretty annoying for someone of the opposite sense, someone who couldn't really care.

"You made me think too much."Martha admitted to Tommy, who asked when he noticed how unusually quiet she'd been,especially after Vince tried pulling a fast one her earlier. She kind of growled, which was a pretty accurate response but considering the lack of push-back, he knew something must have been up. " 'Bout Ozzy, or about Razzle?" He asked her, narrowing his eyes on her as she though carefully. It was both, really? Given her certain situation, being sick and weak and all, she was sure that if enough pressure had been put on by the boys, something was going to happen to her. Of course she worried about herself, she'd gone into remission when she was Sixteen, five years before. It had been the longest run time she'd gone without getting sick again, which hardly made sense to her considering the chaotic acclivity her life had taken in those five years, but she was grateful things were going the way they were and she wasn't ready to let stress fuck things up. Then there had been the case of Razzle, who only mildly bothered her for a small period of the plane ride. She decided that she didn't care, that no matter how well Tommy knew her, he was seeing things. If she herself couldn't quite place her feelings, then how could Tommy? Though, there was the odd half hour she'd spent thinking about her feelings. Which ended up being rather useless at the end, if she still felt the same as she did going into the deep thought. After all, Martha was dead sure of what she thought she knew. What she thought.

"Just this next few months, Tommy. I just need sleep and I'm not necessarily-"  
"Oh boohoo! If we'd known you'd be such a bore, we would have left you back home!" Vince shouted over her, earning and annoyed look from Mick and a concerned one from Tommy. Martha only smiled at Vince and shook her head at him, looking back at Tommy and then back through the window again. Vince's stupid smile faded and returned almost immediately of each other, because he also sensed something to be off about Martha. And it bothered him, slightly, maybe. He didn't like to admit that, because as far as any accord between the two, he loathes her. He hates how she is in every way, or so he tells himself that. Why else would he be fucking with at all moments he possibly could? But the thought flashed through his mind briefly, that something may be wrong and it may have caused him to think how it made him feel. But who the fuck had time to think about that? Certainly not Vince, someone who couldn't give a shit if she dropped dead the next day. So, he carried on, making a scene and doing his thing with the boys whole Martha sat still and quiet in the back of the plane, looking out at the clouds.

She hadn't been kidding, Tommy did make her think about a lot. She knew that something like joining someone else on tour barely seemed like a reason to have her nerves all shot. But it did, because it had her questioning her health for the first time in years. Martha had a routine by then, one she'd become so used to that it barely too any thought. The medication she'd been on, the vitamins and all the shit too keep her intact, they were a thing she remembered to do every single day. Yet, she hadn't looked down at them and thought, "well, I'm taking these because my body's got a problem and I'm preventing that problem from making my life bad, because it has in the past, blah blah blah-". The thing is, without really realising it, Tommy had said something that had her heart pounding from the second it left his mouth. The," getting in shit after meeting Ozzy" bit. Unintentionally, he hit the nail a little harder than she was allowing herself to. When she'd woken up every night in the week in a cold sweat, and pains in the neck and chest and her trouble breathing through it all, she was hardly accepting of the fact that these things were happening, even if she'd known what they meant. She thought that by ignoring it, nothing could happen to her. But even she knew that, that had been too naive of her and I'm the end, she'd probably have to face something she really didn't want to. And the lats thing she needed was the dipshits that she's in charge of, make things worse for her.


	18. Letter Eighteen

Letter Eighteen;Sharon's Iron Fist

"What do I even say about this? From what I can remember, it was somehow the lost fun and miserable I'd been in all my life at the time. I'd met Ozzy, and let me tell you, no matter how much you here about the guy, nothing can prepare you for actually experiencing his personality. Now, something to be absolutely mentioned is that, Ozzy was abolsutely out of control, no questions about it. But there the few days where he turned into a man so calm and rational that he became almost unrecognizable. Those were the days that little, darling Sharon had been around. And let me tell you, there's a reason Ozzy turned into a hopeless puppy when she's been around, that woman was an iron trap herself. Strong and commanding and fucking scary, of I do say so myself. Even the boys got the worst of her, which if I'm being honest, wasn't exactly a problem for me. It was all entertaining really."

"Entertainment aside, I really started to feel uncomfortable on that tour. I don't know who or what it had been but I'd been strangely introverted for a lot of that tour. Which seemed pretty weird for the guys, because they knew me well enough to know that, even though I do like my space, I didn't cower at the thought of social interaction. I guess something really started feeling off for me around then, which I find ironic because nothing ever went well, if I really look at it. But I didn't know that then, I was just mindlessly walking around with a pit in my stomach. Trying to figure out if I'd been feeling suck because I'd suddenly became genuinely sick, or if I was anxious because being around the boys took a deep toll on me. Well, years later, after living through it I can really say that, it was both. I just hadn't figured it out yet."

"Are you being serious?" Kamala questioned, sounding genuinely shocked as though she hadn't come to expect the strange stories her daughter told her in the last two years. "Seriously Ma, I can't make this stuff up. He was literally begging her."Martha continued, thinking back to the amusing moment earlier that week when Nikki had gotten down on his knees, begging Sharon to let him sleep with some random girl. It was definitely a sight, seeing Nikki pretty much lose his mind when not being able to get laid for a solid week in a row. Though, after spending almost an hour on call with her mother, that wasn't the first of the stories Martha had shared of their intolerance of newly placed rules once Mrs. Sharon Osbourne herself had come to spend a little time on tour with Ozzy (and any additional acts) to try and clean up any messes in attempts to calm Ozzy's raging addictions. It seemed like it worked pretty well too, Ozzy himself turning into the token husband once she'd arrived. It seemed almost amusing watching him walk around with her hand wrapped tightly in his while the other held a pretty plain transparent bottle of water. But, to keep Ozzy on the straight track, it meant all surrounding company had to adhere to the rules too, for his own sake. If anyone was desperate, it was Ozzy, and if he even sniffed an ounce of something that could potentially get him high, the he would go against any rules to get it. Meaning, unfortunately for Mötley Crüe, any and everything considered unacceptable by Sharon, had to go. No drugs, no booze, no women. They came to the venue, they did their slot, they hung out or went home. It was pretty simple...not really. Martha herself, did not feel the effects of the laws on her, since she hadn't acquainted herself with what was banned and the cigarettes were permitted, since Sharon deemed her trustworthy enough to keep it away from Ozzy. And she did.

Martha told her mother all this and they'd both laughed a whole lot, but there been something on Martha's conscious that she just couldn't quite shake. Maybe it was the strange, sudden aches she'd gotten in her throat and arms. Or when she'd coughed so hard her chest hurt. It was the way she'd known exactly what kind of pain it was, she's felt it before and when she did, what followed was worse than anything she'd ever thought would happen to her. "Tommy, fucking quit it."Martha demanded, though her voice did not raise in volume, Tommy knew she was serious when he'd seen the sentence leave her mouth through gritted teeth."Right, sorry-" He said quietly, continuing with his story in a hushed tone as he sat down. Sharon raised her eyebrows, smiling as she'd been impressed by the seriousness taken by the boys at Martha's words. Martha hadn't said it out of completely tiredness or anger, only mild annoyance. Tommy and Vince were off in a corner, oissing themselves into hysterics as they exchanged hushed words. At first, it was nothing, but when Sharon sat down for a talk with the only other female in range,and she'd repeatedly asked them to quiet down so she could have a half decent conversation, of course she snapped. "That's funny," Sharon started, leaning in a little closer as she crossed her arms over the table. Martha, who'd been drawing prior to the exchange, had left her half finished sketch of a girl. "It's like they actually listen to you." Sharon whispered, this time, smiling wider. A brief memory of Angus Young saying the exact same thing to her a month earlier flashed through her mind. Being told that really made her question if they did actually care about what she said. Well, of course they did. Tommy always had respect for what Martha did and what she told them to do. Nikki, as obnoxious and ill-mannered as he was, still obeyd her to some degree. As for Mick, well he hardly ever needed to be told anything. But she wasn't going to lie to herself, it wasn't like they made her life easier. Beside Mick, the other three drive her insane, daily. She was very used to making excuses for those boys. 

"You honestly think so?" Martha questioned, raising her eyebrow up at Sharon. "Well, you seemed to have shut them up faster than anyone's ever tried. Plus , this isn't the first time I've seen you take control...and them listening."Sharon answered, bringing her hand to cover Martha's."Oh that-I, I don't know Mrs. Osbourne-"  
"Oh please, I've told you so many times to call me Sharon." She'd cut Martha off, though she sounded so flattered to be talking to the young girl. "Listen, I know you may not see it much yourself either, because they're horrid behaviour isn't exclusive to you. But it's quite clear to see, they respect you very much young lady."Sharon continued on, squeezing Martha's hand ever-so enthusiasticly. Like she'd been so eager to let her know that the boys definitely had their soft spot for her."I-I'm sorry. It's just crazy to hear that. You're not the first to say-" Martha spoke, smiling softly as she looked over at Tommy and Vince who seemed like they'd never cease their laughter. "How did you get them to do that?" She asked, thought it sounded more of a joke. "I couldn't explain, even if I tried." Martha said, though she knew it was because for each of them, she knew exactly why it was that way. "Okay, here's one thing I'm sure you can answer. Why does Vince seem to dislike you so much?"Now that had been the most strange, out of the blue question, one Martha had not expected but one she could answer in a heart beat. Her smiled faded and her nose scrunched up. Sharon laughed at Martha's funny expression."Well, long-story short,Id met Tommy and Vince years before Mötley Crüe. And well, Vince and I had just never gotten along."Martha rushed through, it really wanting to get into it. Though when she saw Sharon squint, smirking as she craned her neck, she supposed it wouldn't kill tell her."Oh, I guess you could say he was my highschool bully. Though, he didn't quite succeed in bullying me." Martha explained, laughing as she thought back to the mulptile times he'd screamed in anger at his futile attempts to fuck with her. "Oh and why is that?" Sharon asked, but this time, someone else answered. "Because she kicked Vinnie's ass back then."Tommy said, giggling as he smacked Vince(who seemed all but impressed). Martha had hardly noticed them leave their seats."Well, I wouldn't say that-"  
"You wouldn't but it's the truth."Tommy knew she'd never openly admit it if unprovoked, especially in front of Vince, but he didn't really care about how pussy Vince got about it."Is that so?" Sharon questioned, smiling up at the goofy boy. "God, I can list like a dozen times, and that isn't even half."  
"Oh fuck this, I'm fucking leaving."Vince growled, feigning irritation though truly all he felt was embarrassment. Because Tommy wouldn't lie, and most things he'd started saying was true. And he wasn't going to sit around listen to that."Oh man, whatever!" Tommy yelled


	19. Letter Nineteen, The Day For Surprises

"Letter Nineteen, The Day For Surprises(good and bad)" 

"I'm pretty sure you know that if you spend a prolonged amount of time sleeping late and waking up early, you'd be fucking exhausted. And that I was, in addition to the debilitating pains I'd been attacked with those few weeks, I'd been getting next to zero hours of sleep,so I'd spent the better part of the last month on that tour being very miserable. I mostly just kept to myself, considering there wasn't really much to do there, beside sitting around all day trying to keep myself busy while the boys drowned themselves in debauchery. I mainly drew and smoked so much that's i couldn't believe it. It was safe to say that I'd spent more on cigarettes during that four months than I had in my entire life. I wasn't stressed or under any pressure of sorts for that to happen, I just had absolutely nothing to do."

"For me, the days seemed to blend together like a big blob. Not much stood out because, lets be real here, I wasn't very interested in anything the boys had been doing and I didn't have much to keep me busy. One of the standout moments, I will say, happened only a few days before we'd have part ways with Ozzy. Fate saved the best for last, if you ask me, two pretty crazy surprises. Except one was definitely better than the other. Sharon didn't stay the entire tour, of course, she'd left after a month, I think. You know what that meant? Any laws she'd set in place fizzled as she boarded her plane home. Don't get me wrong, the boys loved and had lots of respect for her. But there was no way on Earth they'd behave while she hadn't been around to tell them to do so. You can imagine what chaos entailed. "

Martha hadn't felt that tired in years. She could barely keep her eyes open as she dragged her feet down the dark hallway. The noise behind her, drowing out by the second as she veered away from the chaos. Martha couldn't quite recall the last time she had a decent amount of sleep nor a sufficient enough time period after to actually relax. It was like her life had been set on fast motion, and she'd -at first-struggled to keep up. Though, as they days and nights fused as one on-going, never ending spiral of bullshit, she'd managed to keep herself busy. At the end of the day, the label had only forced Martha to tag along to keep her out of their business like she always does. They'd realised that the success of Mötley Crüe might have made her believe that she actually meant something to Elektra, which she definitely didn't. (Or so they thought.)They just knew that at the current success rate at which Mötley Crüe went by meant too much to the label to let go of the only person they seemed to trust. They couldn't imagine losing all the money-  
Martha had not known this at all, in fact she'd assumed that after how well Shout At The Devil had gone, Elektra would've finally gained some respect for her. Yet when she thought she bring the attention of another band to the table, they'd threw that right back in her face almost immediately. Their excuses? Well, there was only one, and that was that nobody listened to that specific genre that band were dabbling in. The rest, were anything but. She'd never forget the words her director had said to her, "People of your kind barely know what they're doing-". People of Martha's kind? She had no idea what on earth they'd meant by that. Did they mean females? Did they mean people of colour. Or people who aren't rich. Or maybe they meant all those things, whatever it had been, it fucking pissed her off to no end. And not because she couldn't expand her producing territory as far as working at Elektra was concerned, it had been more about believing in people. No, she'd been pissed off because too many times she'd been undermined because of this-so-called superiority that existed amongst the top dogs at Elektra. As one may have assumed, they were all the same fucking men with different faces. All fucking rich, all fucking white and all fucking born with an apparent belief in racism. At the end of the day though, she supposed, she'd been happy that the boys she wanted to help out managed to get their album out and into the world thanks to a label called Megaforce(they called it Kill 'Em All).

Martha was out before she could even get the covers up. That night(or early morning if you will) went down unlike any other she'd ever thought to experience in her wildest dreams. It had her wishing that she'd waited some time longer before ditching the boys in preference of sleep. But how could she have known exactly how unhinged Vince could be. Martha was out, in the deepest sleep she'd been in for a long while. The boys were running a ruckus on the other side of the door, messing up all the rooms as well as fucking with the people inside. They were knocking things over, smashing glasses and windows, throwing TV's from top stories. The works. All while Martha laid oblivious in a deep sleep. Her room had been right next to Mick's, who(after ahout an hour after she'd left) also felt like some time alone to relax and came to his room too. Martha could remember her sleep breaking lightly after hearing muffled voices. "You kids better fucking quit it-" she faintly made out. But she didn't pay it much mind, her sleep returning almost instantly. The loud thumps that followed morphed with her dreams and she didn't realise when her door had opened. The sudden light across her face didn't cause a stir, neither did their voices. "Fuck. I think we should leave her alone."Nikki commented, holding tightly to the doorframe as he watched her sleeping face."What, are you serious?" Vince began, an evil laughter lacing his words. "Actually, Vinnie, I think Tommy may be right."Tommy agreed, knowing they'd be pushing their lucks with Martha." Oh please-"Vince started, annoyance slowly creeping through.Nikki and Tommy already began backing away, ready to start their assault on the next room."You guys are such pussy's."Vince groaned, already beginning to pull the lighter out of his pocket, along with another small box. The front of the box didn't say much, it only had a giant animated spider on the front , a spiderweb sticking out from bottom meant to resemble a wick found on the ends of explosives. Tommy and Nikki had moved further down the hall, thinking Vince would quit his shit and follow them, they almost stopped dead in their tracks when they heard the loud pop that took them no time to recognize. The pop was followed by a scream, a laugh and then an even louder scream. That last scream didn't earn a laugh from Vince, there was hardly anything to laugh about. This time, he'd felt a chill go up his spine as his eyes widened.

Vince, thinking he'd mastered his aim by the time they'd reached Martha's room, thought it would be hilarious to light a firecracker in her room. It would go off, something would catch fire and Martha would have had a harsh disturbance from her sleep. So funny right? Except it wasn't. The only thing that was sure was that Vince's aim was anything as good as he'd imagined. He lit the thing and barely put an effort into flicking it away. Of course, it landed right by her bed and then...boom. The yelp Martha let out as she sat up in a shock was the fulfillment Vince needed, he was about ready to just leave her to deal with the repercussions herself. Then, much to his horror(though he shouldn't have been shocked) the bed sheet had caught fire. Which would've been pretty okay too, considering it hadn't been the only thing he'd set alight that night. But when Martha didn't react as quickly as he'd expected due to sleep full eyes, his skin went pale. He watched as her hand land straight into the growing fire, three seconds, maybe four, the excruciating burn was the only thing that woke her instincts, which(unfortunately) was too late. By the time Tommy and Nikki had hurried back to the room, Martha had already jumped out and straight to Vince, holding her scorched arms with the other hand. "Shit-" Tommy whispered, eyeing her arm, seeing her bite her lip in pain. "How the fuck did this happen?!" Martha shouted, her voice cracking from the pain.

"You went too far Vince!" Tommy yelled, watching from afar as Martha stared dead faced in the opposite direction while getting bandaged. Though they may have terrorized practically the entire building, nobody suffered damages as astringent as Martha. They were all on edge, looking as the paramedics tended to her. Seconds after she'd questioned what happened, the pain set in and she almost screamed. Tommy ran as fast as he could to Doc, the only person who would know what to do. Vince still holding Martha lightly as she cried and Nikki, well, he didn't know what to do. His only thought(other than to send Vince daggers), was to go to Mick's room. Of course, he'd still been awake after their attack on him, and he already figured something was wrong when he heard Martha scream. Now they were all in the lobby of the hotel, figuring out who would tell Martha what had happened. Ozzy was lingering around too, way too wasted to realize the exact severity of the situation. Or so the boys thought. When he'd shakenly walked over toward them, a grimace gracing his face, they weren't sure what they were going to hear. He looked them up and down,clicked his tongue and said "That's mighty fucked of you-" before shaking his head and mumbling away as he walked further behind them. "He's right, Vinnie. That was really fucked up."Nikki reiterated Ozzy, folding his arms over his chest. They were hardly ever serious about anything so it was almost scary to see them all just sit in one place."Fuck man, how many times do I have to say it? I didn't mean for her to-"Vince had his excuses pretty much lined up but Tommy wouldn't let him speak."We told you to leave it. Didn't we? Like man, did you see her fuckimg arm?You burned off a tattoo Vince. Think about how bad that is. It's bad!" Tommy was the most eratic, because he was the most worried. It was quite obvious why, being her best friend and all, of course he'd be more inclined to feeling a little more. Nikki too, as calm as he remained, really thought Vince had gone too far. Vince was really counting on getting off easy because he didn't want it to happen this way. So technically, it's not like he'd purposefully caused her harm. But in all honesty, how could someone expect nothing bad to happen? The bickering had been cut short when they'd noticed Martha walking toward them. She'd been through so much shock and pain in last hour, yet the sleep hadn't left her eyes. As she neared, she once again questioned, "What happened?" but she didn't get an immediate reply. Which was pretty much all the answer she needed, because she could read them as well reading a book. Plus, they all reeked of guilt. "Oh-I see. New question, which one of you fuckers did this to me?" And this time, Her tone turned deadly as her jaw set,voice going deeper(which was pretty intimidating considering how deep her voice was already). Still, they stayed silent. It was clear that none were going to say anything, so before her anger turned to full force rage, she'd took a deep breath before turning in her heel. "Un-fucking-believable. What's it gonna take before you assholes think before you fucking do something?"With that she was off, toward Doc(who was already on getting her a new room as well as setting up the payment arrangements for all damages)  
They boys felt like shit, even though Vince should've taken most of thge credit, they all felt at fault. (Except for Mick, who just felt bad for her). "Nice going, bitch." Tommy whisper-yelled at Vince,who still had the gall to roll his eyes as of they'd been coming at him for nothing. 

The next day seemed unreal to anyone around. To Martha, and Doc, who couldn't believe the peace and quiet they'd witnessed. Mick was nowhere to be seen, couped up in his room. Nikki and Tommy sat around idly, looking too worried to touch anything and Vince? He'd left with a lady and wasn't heard of again. It seemed quite ridiculous. During the course of the day, she'd found out what had actually happened which in turn made her even angrier then she'd been the night before therefore making everyone way too afraid to come near her. Though she'd known that Vince acted alone, she couldn't help but feel the annoyance toward Nikki and Tommy who'd still caused all of the commotion leading up to her room. Even if Tommy had been there earlier that day when she'd gotten her bandage changed to hold her hand through the grueling pain. The hotel they stayed at was the only one that provided food for the week that they were there, but the boys hardly ever sat down to eat at any of the given times. That day however, all four of them sat at the table at lunch time. While Martha sat much further away, they didn't go unnoticed. Sitting like a bunch of innocent, obedient children. She still couldn't bring herself to be normal around of them just yet though, which had more to do with thr fact that she was way too pissed at Vince to speak at all. Her plate emptied quicker than she thought but the idea of having to ask for more just didn't seem like something she'd be up to doing. So, she stared down at her plate for a few minutes before deciding to go leave it on the silver rack on the other side of the room. 

She's barely lifted her ass off the chair when she was being called. "Hold on there for a second!" Doc told her, walking toward her with a frighteningly unusual smile. For someone who'd been under all the stress this last few days had brought, he seemed awfully chirpy. He gripped a small brown box as he walked toward Martha, still holding his warm smile. "Oh, Doc. What is it?" She asked quite plainly, still feeling no urge to converse. "I uh, this came for you." He said, setting the box down on the table in front of her. She looked at him with wide eyes, about ready to laugh at his words. "Came for me? Doc, in the fucking middle of Europe, how could that happen?"She asked, thinking it more ridiculous as the words came from her mouth."Well, your friend called, said it was important."Doc told her, seating himself across from Martha. They were both very aware of the sudden four pair of eyes on them as they spoke to each other, but neither looked in that direction."The tall one."He added."Oh you mean Carmen! That's crazy though, how did you get this?" She asked, still not looking at the box. "Well, uh, I suppose she's heard about how shitty these last two days were. She said some boys dropped this off for you this past weekend and she thought it would've made you feel better. And well, it sounded pretty important to me so I had her bring it to the office and called in a favour." Doc explained, smiling more as he did so."Some boys? What the hell-" She finally looked down at the box. It was brown and boring and nothing very exciting was on it. "I'm curious though, that's an odd way of spelling James." Doc said, catching Martha's attention once again. This time he hands her a small envelope and surely enough, the same weirdly spelt name had been written on the front in all capitals. "JAYMZ". Martha laughed to herself, a heartfelt "aw" falling from her mouth. Martha was surprised though the envelope seemed strangely heavy assuming there was only paper in there. But then again, the weird lump that was at the bottom corner said that for sure something else had accompanied the letter. "You know this James?" Doc questioned, feeling his own joy spike at Martha reaction. "Oh, I know this James alright." she'd answered, lifting the lid off the box. The box was a perfect square, fitting whatever was right at the bottom. There was a smaller red box inside, a small silver object and a troll doll. She'd left the items for a moment, going back to the small white envelope that Doc had handed her seconds earlier. She carefully pulled it open, trying her hardest not to tear it before peeling the letter from inside. As the paper came out, so did whatever object that caused the lump in the corner of the envelope and landed on the table. A silver ring that had a skull emitting flames on the front. She smiled at it fondly before picking it up and sliding it onto her thumb, already feeling the heaviness of the metal. The letter itself had been written on your average lined paper, filled from top to bottom in handwriting she wasn't too familiar with. But she was sure she'd guessed who had sent it. 

'Martha, 

Hello pretty lady, all the way from fuckin' L. A  
We came over to yours and Carmen's on Saturday(I don't know the date but it was a Saturday OK) , to leave this with her before we headed back to San Francisco. You always believed we could get the first one out, well surprise, surprise, here's the fucking second one! Crazy shit!   
We hope you love it (okay, that's bullshit, we know you will :)) 

The doll is from Lars, he says he isn't the only troll shit running around, whatever the fuck that means. The box of chocolates was Kirks idea, cheesy if you ask me. And the lighters from Cliff. He got that for your birthday like a fucking month ago, but obviously you weren't here to get it. (I think it's a pretty sick addition, especially the chicks tits)   
The rings from me:). I know how like those crazy chunky ones and I saw the perfect one! Knew you had to have it!   
Anyways! Enjoy the music and enjoy those chocolates (the troll too,I guess???) and a big fuk yew from the four of us. 

(P.S Cliff says he misses you. What a fucking loser right? Haha, just kidding, we all miss you...asshole)

-Jaymz...and those other three guys or wat ever'

Other than the horrid English, the letter brought the biggest smile to Martha's face, along with some giggles as she went along with it. But it wasn't hard to see, she was excited too look through the box. She'd kind of figured what they were talking about, but she needed to see it for herself first. She first picked up the box of chocolates. Which was blood red with German writing all over it, she could barely make out the name which to no surprise, was also in German. (Though that hardly mattered later when she tried them out and almost whiped out the entire box because of how delicious they were.) After bringing the box to her chest and letting out yet another "aw", she set it down and picked up the troll and smiled at it, knowing exactly what Lars had meant. (She'd picked out the nicknames Goblin and Troll for Lars when they'd spent some time together in '82 and they kind of just stuck). Then there was the lighter from Cliff, which, upon seeing it, Martha immediately understood what James had meant by "chicks tits". It was one of those heavy, square lighter made out of metal with a slightly raunchy picture on the front of a naked woman, sinking her teeth into a lime green snake. There were a bunch of skulls around as well as some green smoke that aired out into the words "Bite Me". "Oh, Clifford-" Martha mumbled flipping the cap and watching how big the flame went. Finally, after admiring each item, Martha had reached the bottom of the box, which held yet another envelope, a much larger one this time. It was white and only had a tiny, shaky, smiley face. She struggled to lift it up as it were almost the same size as the box. Finally she'd gotten it out, holding it firmly and eyeing it for a few seconds. She then lowered it and opened that one too, but not as carefully as the first envelope. On the inside was something square and hard covered. An album, something she could easily recognize. As she pulled it out she noticed the striking blue and metallic silver of the Metallica logo. From that emerged lightning and right in the middle, a strange looking object that after inspection, Martha found to be a chair. She read the album title out loud, her voice holding a tone of wonderment and awe. "Ride. The. Lighting."She accentuated each word."These fuckers-" She whispered, turning it over. "You okay there Marty?"Doc asked, even if the answer had been slightly obvious. She didn't answer at first, still staring down at the object in her hand. Doc stared too, but at her, hoping he'd somehow lifted her spirits. Finally, she looked up at him, smiling widely as she pushed her glasses back up. "Fucking over the moon Doc. Thank you for doing this." She whispered, putting her hand on his shoulder and squeezing. He smiled back at her, nodding his head. "Now-" she began, putting the chocolate, the album and the toy back in the box. "If you don't me, I have an album to go through and some chocolate to eat."She continued standing up, putting the lighter in her back pocket and giving Doc one final nod before she headed back to her room. She still paid the boys zero attention as she passed them."Hey, Martha, where are you doing going?" Nikki questioned. For a second, as she answered, her expression faltered and her voice dimmed. "To change my bandages."She lied, and started walking again, her spring returning as she furthered from them. Tommy's head snapped in Doc's direction."Dude, what was in the box?" He asked. Doc only shook his head, grimacing at the boys. "You guys are hopeless."He said and he too walked away.


	21. Letter Twenty, Back Home

"Letter Twenty, Back Home"

"I cannot lie to you, the days leading up to writing these few letters were slightly nerver wracking. They'd been sad too as I hadn't thought about Razzle(properly) in years. But it had to happen, one way or the other,to tell you the whole thing. It's strange really, this year marks exactly thirty years since the accident, yet every time I think of him, I get this unbearable lump in my throat. It happens everytime I think about someone who was close to me that passed. (And in those next few years,many close to me had seen the same tragic fate). Razzle, was-a different story though. Something...weird, because at first, I was very sure of what I thought I knew about myself, and after, maybe not so much."

"We'd all arrived back in L.A sometime in mid-November. I was worn-out, fucking tired and honestly, I just wanted to see Carmen. Thankfully, her smiling face was the first thing I saw when I got back home. My bags were still in the doorway when she excitedly pulled me into a hug bigger than the one she'd given me when I left. It felt good, great actually. I missed her like crazy and even though we spoke for hours every night, it just felt better being there. Though I'd felt so happy and relieved to be home, I knew that didn't mean that was a momentary end. No no, I was still, by all means, required to be out with Mötley Crüe at all times that they were out. Which was, pretty ridiculous, even Doc or Tom didn't have to be there. Tom didn't at all, after Ozzy because I'd found out that he'd quit due to a job offering at Geffen(which would prove very useful later). I did call him, and we talked about it. I wished him well and he told me that if I ever needed him for anything, all I'd have to do was call, which was very nice. That first night out seemed weird being out with the boys, since I hadn't necessarily spoken to any of them since my accident. Luckily, there had been a much-needed ice-breaker after only a few minutes. The start of a slightly unbelievably, hectic month."

"So, were they good?" Carmen asked, reaching for the peanut butter on the top shelf. "Are you kidding? It was better than anything I'd heard in ages!" Martha said with excitement. Carmen and Martha lazed around all morning and had waited until the last possible second until they absolutely had to get up to get ready for work(or work-related, if you will.) They were catching each other up on the last few months when Carmen had questioned whether Martha liked the Ride The Lightning album much. Martha just about readied herself to rant about how fucking brilliant she thought the record was. "I know right-" Carmen agreed, turning to smirk at her friend. "Oh fuck, you fucking heard it already you jackass!" Martha playfully yelled. "Of course I did! I know they already gave you one but I thought I'd support them a bit and actually buy one. Beside, I couldn't wait that whole fucking time! I was excited." Carmen matched the tone of Martha's, being equally excited and satisfied with the music."I called them after I listened to it. They were all shouting so excitedly-"   
"-And James?" Martha asked, holding a certain playfulness in her tone. Carmen immediately stopped buttering her bread, her smile disappeared instantly. Instead, a red blush had crept its way to her cheeks. Ever since Martha had caught Carmen staring at him with dreamy eyes,it's been a on going joke for over a year at that point, but Carmen doesn't try to stop Martha since it had been fact after all. "This is what you get for telling me these things." Martha teased, her tone sing-songey as she went to stand behind Carmen. "Correction, I didn't, you pulled it of me."Carmen interjects, turning to face Martha."Well, you're the one who let it out so easily-"   
"Because you're my best friend."Carmen replies and to that Martha said,"Then I shouldn't have had to pull it out of you huh?" Carmen felt the heat in her cheeks become almost unbearable. "You're in sufferable."She didn't quite mind Martha knowing or anything of the sort, she just felt a slight embarrassment toward who she'd decided to actually have a crush on. Martha had assured that they both ought to feel ridiculous considering she'd actually been romantically involved with Nikki Sixx at a point. Beside, James Hetfield had a very attractive charm about him. 

About thirty minutes after Carmen tried her hardest to cover up her ever reddening cheecks, a nurse from the resident hospital had arrived to help Martha switch bandages for the next twenty-four hours. Her burn was a whole other drama. Considering she'd gotten burnt when they were in Europe, so upon coming home, Martha had to make arrangements for regular assistance until she could tend to herself alone. Until then, someone would have to help in removing and replacing the ointments and bandages for another month. The pain was brutal, not something you'd get used to. Carmen was surprised when she'd heard just how loud Martha screamed due to pain, for the first time she'd understood exactly how painful that must've been for her. She'd also seen Martha's arm for the first time, and she was hardly ready to witness the scorched skin. Some parts actually burned black and some parts were white, as the flames had burnt back the skin to reveal the flesh. On the upper hand, where Carmen came to easily recognize as the "Riot!" piece Martha had, was no completely gone. Fucking crazy. Finally, after the nurse was safely down the stairs, the girls made preparations for leaving. Carmen had gotten her jacket and slipped on her shoes. Martha didn't need much beside her box of ciagrettes and her new lighter.(Which she loved). And as five thirty hit, the girls were out the door. There was a car waiting for Martha, a black one that seemed quite scary and suspicious due it's size and heavily tinted windows. They made them that way for any music royalty, should they want to pass through unnoticed. And since Doc had been in charge of handling transport, he'd made sure that at least the drive to work wasn't so bad. The drive was usually never that long, because they never really went anywhere further than the usual. This time however, it felt an eternity as Martha felt the slight nerves start to pile up in her stomach. She hadn't really spoke to any of the boys since her accident. Nobody really blamed her, the whole situation was so fucking dumb and they all knew that things like this happen when the boys are involved. They just always tried to make sure that Martha had never been on the receiving end, but then again, Vince had never had such opportunity. 

When she'd finally arrived at the building, she was surprised to find that it wasn't one of the rinky-dink buildings she'd come to get used to. It actually looked quite decent. With a shiver, she stepped in through the entrance. It took barely a second before she'd spotted the loud crowd that was their boys and whoever had accompanied. Doc sat at the other side of the club, talking to another guy over a pile of papers. The bar seemed pretty much packed and of course, hookers galore. She took another deep breath and reached into her back pocket, fishing for her box of cigarettes as she made a quick line toward them. Darting between thr bodies became quite an easy routine for her and she'd done so without much more thought as she lit her cigarette. "Ah, there she is!" She heard Tommy's lovable excitement in his sentence and she felt herself ease up. "Oh, uh, hi guys-" she greeted as politely as she could muster without sounding extremely awkward. She kind of actually missed the losers. "Here, I kept you a spot."Tommy told her, patting at the seat between himself and Mick. Vince sat right at the end, a familiar blonde girl sitting atop his lap. More than one hit on a girl? Martha wasn't sure he was capable of it, or if he had the capacity to do so, but she found that she was still upset (as she had every right to be) and couldn't care less if she didn't speak to him all night. Martha hopped over the side of the seat and stepped over Nikki and Tommy, opting for sitting on the above the head rest of the seat with her legs dangling next to Tommy. He slif his arm behind her legs and wrapped his other arm around it, basically hugging her legs,before resting his chin on her knee. It may have only been a week, but Martha realized she did really miss his stupid face. Her hand camw ruffle his hair before setting her fingers gently on the top of his head. "How's the arm, sweetheart?" Mick chirped in, looking slightly more miserable than she'd remembered. "Oh, fine, pretty much the same. It burns like hell 'cause I just got the bandages changed." she told him, though dhe wasn't looking at him. She was looking at Vince, who-for a second-lost his playful smile as a speck of guilt flashed over his face. It disappeared almost immediately and he was back to his business. It was so brief, so quick, he was sure no one caught it. But Martha did, amd for a moment she thought she'd felt less angry with him. 

The thoughts vanished pretty much instantly when a well known voice shouted from the entrance. Everyones head snapped toward thr entrance, smiles spreading they recognized the familiar faces of Hanoi Rocks. Martha smiled shyly, three hundred thoughts going through her mind at once. Her immediate move though, was to look at Tommy who-unsurprisingly-already had his eyes set on her, twinkling and full of mischief. "Don't you dare, Tommy." She said through gritted teeth, still smiling as they others walked to join them. "Oh I wouldn't."Tommy said, but they both knew he'd make the most of the situation.


	22. Chapter 22

"Letter Twenty One, Derek and Razzle" 

"Let's get one thing out of the way, Carmen and I often found that we'd someway or the other had some sort of attraction or romantic involvements at the same time, they'd started and ended with the same time. It was kind of...insane. Think about it, she pretty much started making heart eyes at James when I did the same for Nikki. And when Razzle came around, well you bet someone did for her. Which was pretty surprising considering I'd been making fun of her for James not that long before. An even weirder thing is that, when anything went south with one relationship, it did with the other. We didn't realize though, not until many years later when your sister was born. "

"That aside, I'm a hundred percent sure you know exactly where these next few letters are going. But, much like with Nikki, there had been a time and events in that time that hadn't been made known to just anyone. Sure, it hadn't been as secretive but it-no one knows exactly how hard that whole thing hit us. All of us. And as much as this may just be about Razzle and what happened before the accident, it also marked the beginning of one of the biggest down slopes all our lives took. Seperate things, collective things, all broken up only by momentary uplifts that in retrospect, seemed pretty small. Those moments though, are the ones that I remember the most."

"So, this had been Hanoi Rocks' first time to America and of course, they were very excited. And of course, that excitement came out the most during their performances, as it should. I guess, one night, Mike was feeling outrageously spontaneous or he really felt an adrenaline rush or whatever because he'd done this amazing stage dive. Which usually worked for him, as I'd been informed. But, that night didn't go exactly as planned and unfortunately for poor Michael Monroe, he'd managed to break his ankle. Though it had not been the biggest of spanners in the works, they did have to stop in L.A for a little while

-November 18, 1984-  
"This place ain't fucking real, mate." Nasty commented, watching as the blonde hooker who'd just been under their table, walk through a door that lead to the back of the building. "Shit, you're telling me."Razzle agreed, adjusting the buttons on his pants. Martha sat next to Nasty, between him and Mick. She hadn't paid the slightest bit of attention, eyes fixed ahead as she daydreamed. There was a lot going on around her, the boys were enjoying the company, getting their nights worth of drugs and alcohol. They were screaming and laughing and banging things around but Martha felt too exhausted to say or do anything. She'd been for about three nights straight, dealing with the boys and spending the little hours that allowed for sleep writhing about in pain. Her neck and arms trembled with such unimaginable pain that she'd cried every night until her body finally caved and gave her two or three hours rest. And that had been beside the gut wrenching pain that came with changing her bandages everyday. It was a fucking nightmare. But nobody knew that was happening, as far as their knowledge was concerned, she'd probably just zoned out because she couldn't care to interact with any of them when they were too out of it to have a proper conversation. Which hadn't been completely incorrect, though it had not been the full truth. She just felt so tired and worn out that she didn't even bother moving unless she had to. "Are you alright?" Andy McCoi asked from the other side of the table, looking at her as though she'd come from another planet. Martha didn't answer at first, because she had no idea he was speaking to her. Only after snapping his fingers, did her gaze break."Huh-what?" Martha mumbled, blinking furiously for a second before looking around to see all eyes on her. "Dude, what the fuck are you looking at?" Tommy questioned, rotating his head to catch a glimpse of what seemed to have caught her attention. "Oh shit."He whisper-yelled, snapping his head forward before ducking as low as he could and clamping his hands to his head."What is it?" Razzle questioned, sharing the same worried expression as most at the table. Nikki looked back and turned back in a fashion similar to Tommy's. "Oh fuck, it's fucking Sweetie." He whispers, pushing his chin against the table. "Aw no-" Vince grumbles. Martha rolls her eyes and sighs, watching the tall brunette sway her hips about ridiculously as she sauntered into the building. Sweetie (as everyone had been told to call her) wasn't very different from all the other woman crawling about these parts in terms of looks and intention,but the mistake was not to be made,she was not like anyone else. And that hadn't meant in the quirky sense. They'd all haf their shared experiences with her crazy ass. Having cigarettes being put out on their skin, cars being keyed, she even pissed all over Vince's pants the one night. "Ya'll ducking like she's coming her for you." Martha snarled, looking directly at Sweetie as she walked to their table. "I don't know what you're talking about, that's a fucking ten." Andy comments, shamelessly eyeing Sweetie. "No, fucking trust me dude, you don't want that one."Tommy spoke, shaking his head rapidly. Before Razzle could comment further, he'd looked to Martha for confirmation. Her eyeslids drooped, nodding slightly."She's coming, fuck dude. Fuck." As the Mötley boys turned their heads in the opposite direction, Martha took a deep breath and stood up, hoping that Sweetie wouldn't cause a scene.

"Oh my favorite boys!" She yelled, her voice surprisingly high pitched, unexpected by those who didn't already know her. "Shit-" Martha heard Vince groan, turning to face away from there. "Sweetie, come on man, go away."Martha said, bluntly, not feeling up to allowing herself some playful banter that night."Marty! I missed you!" she squealed, leaning her palms against the table between Tommy and Nikki. Martha only rolled her eyes, tilting her head backward. The boys of Hanoi stared awkwardly but amusedly, wandering what on earth was to come. "You know nobody wants you here. Go fucking fish somewhere else." Martha said, sternly, snarling harshly. "Oh please, you think I want these old, boring fucks. Im here for the fresh meat." Sweetie said, leaning so far forward that she'd only been inches far from Martha's face. Martha didn't say anything but she cringed, finding Sweetie's so pretentious and unnecessary. Before anyone could say much of anything, Sweetie had reached over and grabbed one of the many shot glasses placed in a long train down the middle of the red table. "Hey those are our-" Nikki complained, not wanting Sweetie to even touch their drinks. Martha felt such uneasiness and annoyance she almost instinctively smacked her out in front of her, wanting to grab at the glass. But before Nikki or Tommy or Martha could properly react, Sweetie's tongue darted out past her red painted lips and locked a lonh strip up the side of the glass before covering the entirety of its opening with her mouth and downing the alcohol in one go. Vince loudly groaned and Tommy shouted. Meanwhile, Nasty, Razzle, Sami and Andy watched in wander and confusion, as Sweetie did this. Martha sighed deeply, looking through tired eyes, shaking her head. "What the fuck-are you doing?" Martha seemed pretty beyond grossed out. "I licked it, it's mine." What in the living fuck? "I did that in pre-school."Sami commented, earning a laugh from the table."Is that how that works?" Martha questioned looking at Mick who only shrugged. And, as instinctive as it had been for her to to reach out her hand to stop Sweetie from taking their drinks, Martha muttered "if you say so," and leaned over to the side. She gripped Nasty's face with a painful force and before anyone processed what was really happening, her tongue poked out. And just as Sweetie had done the cup, Martha had liked a strip up the side of Nasty's face. All the way from his jaw, to the side of his face. There was a silence and then a loud murmur. Sweetie stared her up and down before dramatically scoffing. "I didn't fucking want that one anyways." Came her final words before walking off in the opposite direction. They stayed silent as she walked away and as soon as she had put herself a safe distance from them, they erupted. "God, I can't believe I did that-" Martha groaned, sliding down the seat until her back was at the seam between the seat and the back rest. The boys were all laughing, each throwing their own comments around. "Tha', was the ho'est thing that's ever happened to me."Nasty said, eyes wide as he stared at the ground."Oh please.You've had worse"Martha mumbled, sliding back up the seat and leaning her chin against the table."That may be true, but you haven't. And well, I didn't know you felt that way 'bout me-" He joked, throwing his arm around Martha's waist. "Oh shut up, Nasty." Martha complained though the playfulness of her voice was obvious. "Whatever." He said, pulling her until she was leaning against him,throwing both his arms around her.  
While everyone continued to laugh about, slowly but surely moving away from the strange scene that unfolded before them. And though they'd all continued on, Nasty's arm had not once left Martha's side and on the other seat Razzle's eyes stayed glued to where their bodies came into contact. His distant gaze and sudden minimal contribution to conversation caught everyone's attention respectively, but they didn't say anything. It wasn't something that made anyone think, "Oh shit, is Razzle okay?" or, "Hm, I wonder why he went so quiet.". As far as strange behavior went, nobody gave a rats ass because it probably meant effects of the particular intake of the night. And just like that, everything blended together in one big blur of laughs and chaos and Razzle had suddenly figured something out that he had no idea how to address. 

Martha checked her watch, longing to be in the comfort of her own home. "3:14," she'd said to herself, looking at the now deserted table. The boys had scattered themselves amongst the club, and didn't seem to worry much about her half asleep body left alone at the table. She sighed deeply, losing the will to keep her eyes open any longer. As her eyelids grew heavier, she'd brought her palm up to prop her chin against. Before she was aware of it, her awareness to her surroundings had dimmed and she'd almost fallen asleep. Martha had been so sure she heard Vince's voice and even hummed a response as though he'd spoken to her, but it was only seconds later when she realized that she hadn't been imagining. Soon, she'd been shot back into the world of consciousness when she felt her hand being aggressively jerked away, her chin hitting the table below her with painful force. "Ah!" Martha shouted, though the shocks of pain running from under her chin made it sound more like a growl. Once again, Vince didn't laugh or stare down in delight as he'd suspected, no. Instead he just made a pained expression, realizing what he'd done. "Oh fuck."Tommy whisper yelled from his distance, walking over to the scene and dragging Sami and Nikki with him."Good-fucking-lord Vince. What the fuck is your goddamn problem?"Martha had finally blown a fuse and was screaming. Even Vince had been shocked, and he's the one who'd been trailing on thin ice for months."Seriously man, fucking answer me."this time, she'd most definitely growled. All the frustration coming out."Jesus, calm your shit Martha, you didn't die."Vince tries to hold his ground, but he knows he's out-done himself."Oh-" Martha started, taking a deep breath before letting rip. "You fucking evil, half-wit. DIDN'T DIE?! Of all the most pathetic, insufferable, idiots I'd come across in my life, none have managed to reach your level of entitled-asshole. And you know what, do whatever the fuck you want man, I don't fucking give a shit. You hate me so much huh? And you need everyone to know? Fine! They jn fucking know, they all fucking know. Now leave me the hell alone." Everyone was looking at them, silently and awkwardly. Even Vince felt a weight on his chest as she walked away, toward the exit of the building."Oh, shit."Vince mumbled to himself,realizing he may have pulled the final straw. 

"Fucking...st-idiot. I-swear shit."Martha muttered to herself as she stepped outside. It was dead silent, not a soul in sight. Martha felt relived to be alone, at least no one would bother her while she tried to compose herself. She couldn't recall the last time she'd lost it like that. Where she didn't care who was watching or what she said, but then again, she hadn't remembered when last someone had pushed their luck as much as Vince had. She'd spotted that car she'd arrived in, immediately feeling the need to just sit and gather herself. Martha had seen the driver near the bar and new that car was empty and locked, so she's opted for jumping onto the bonnet and sitting there until she felt she needed to leave. "Bi' lonely outside here, i'nnit?" Came a voice from behind. She didn't turn around to look who had come, she'd recognized it pretty instantly. "Oh you know, it's nice to he alone...sometimes."She'd answered, looking down at the street as the cars passed by."That was a bit mental. What happened back there," the person said again, this time, walking next to the car. Martha didn't say anything. To anyone who hadn't been around longer, she may have seemed irrational and well, crazy. Considering, even if Vince's actions did cause her pain, it was a singular thing that could've very easily been brushed off. Martha had it up to her wits end with Vince and didn't care if anyone believed she'd blown the situation out of proportion, she couldn't even care if she'd never seen Vince again. "Yeah well, it was going to happen one way or the other Razzle." She said, her tone dismissive and her anger evident. "I supoose he's done a lot worse then?" Razzle questions rhetorically, smiling only slightly as he leaned against the front bumper of the car. Martha had her arms wrapped around her knees and her hair had been undone. She must've opened it while watching the road. She laughed sarcastically, turning to face Razzle who still held his small smile. "He's the devil."She whispered, putting emphasis on the word "devil". "He's alright."Razzle comments, turning his head to fully look at her. She smiled too, her eyes turning to slits as she feinged annoyance."At least I know what the bandage is for-" He started, but instantly regretted it when seeing Martha's smile vanish. "You know," he started, bringing his hand up to her face. "I really like your hair. You should keep it down more often." He said, trying to lighten the situation just a bit. "Oh, what do you mean-","A 'thanks' is good enough, Marty."He said. She laughed but she really thought out about how he'd said her name. None of them have ever referred to her by her nickname before. It sounded strange, hearing it in his accent."Thanks...Razzle."She said, her smile returning.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting! Now this is just the prologue and not a lot is mentioned here :)  
> If you're intrigued, please do continue.


End file.
